Alone Time

Well after crying for the past week then taking it easy this morning I feel much better. Could it be because I took the time to get it out or is it because I rewarded myself by stripping the wallpaper from my kitchen walls? Whatever it is I am feeling a bit less like a blubbering fool crying over everything. If this is what it is going to be like every three months I need to go on and get the rest of it out now. It was awful, and lonely, and pretty darn depressing, but for the time being it is done. I don’t like feeling vulnerable and weepy.

I call this my alone time. It is through no fault of my friends or family that I am so alone right now. Life’s circumstances just make it an alone time for me. It is maybe not so much alone time but more of a set apart time to get my act together in this place where I can have my withdrawals from my old life without infecting, inflicting or shocking anyone else. I am in a cell of my monastery with God as the administrator and doctor of my wellness center. I know why the prophets ended up in the desert so they could scream and fuss without anyone hearing them. It really is an ugly process. I am not happy with where I am, I feel like it is a setback, but am told by a friend or two, I am right on time and though that may be true, it still feels like I am not getting better.

 I have been able to refocus on my prayer time and my ears are opening up some although I ask myself when did they close? Sometimes a pig just wants to wallow in the mud instead of eat at the trough and while I was wallowing some mud got into my ears and clogged my hearing. My eyes also became covered with mud so I couldn’t see the hope in front of me and the promise’s of a new life and fresh start. I was stuck in the mud again but once I stopped wallowing and got still again I could hear and see the words spoken over me. I am recovering again.

I am once again at the banquet table sipping slowly and savoring each bite again.  I know God is taking me to new places where mud is unacceptable.  He is cleaning me up and bringing me forth into my new destiny. It is only new to me since God has known about it since long before I was born, so I defer to my creator and accept His guidance here in this place apart from the world. Why do I struggle to be released from His grip so often when I know I can’t ever do what is best for me apart from Him? What is it about human nature that we fight so much against what is good and wholesome for us? I announce it to the world today, I am nothing without God and really incapable of making healthy decisions without Him right now. I submit, I wait, and I listen.