Itching Phase

Well my closet is cleaned out, and as I remove things out of the house, I realize they are not necessary for me to live. I didn’t need all that stuff and I don’t need it now. I am better off living as simply as I can. I once asked when will I stop counting the weeks since Steve passed away, well I am there now. It is harder to keep up with the weeks so now I can say 3 months. It hit me again the other day the reality of all this and I had to bring my mind back to seeing him in the casket again to prove it real. I had thought I was past that stage, but I guess once in a while, reality bites back.

I wouldn’t say I am numb, but life seems to have less flavor than it used to. Since October I seem disconnected with my old life. I don’t do things the same way and I have forgotten where I left off, where my place was in things. My routines have been broken and new habits formed so the old is now gone. I don’t have the same desire for some things I used to do for fun. I suppose play time is over and it is now time to get to work about what it is I am meant to do. Just stepping into this house after the holidays was new to me. Never had I come home to less furniture and such a disorganized mess. I don’t know where a lot of things are anymore, and not sure if I still have them either. So although I am feeling better and thinking clearer, I am still not the same, I am misplaced.

I don’t feel like my friends, prayer group, or city I live in has changed but I have and I don’t feel like I fit in anymore. It is as if I have just awakened and I am disoriented and can’t seem to get back into the rhythm of my life again. Yes it is because I have to change my life in order to adapt and move forward and there isn’t room for all I had in the past. My synapses in my brain are trying to recover the familiar, but it is gone. I am caught between two worlds right now, my past and future. I want both but can have only one of them, my future and moving into it without Steve has thrown me off balance. As my brain restructures and I accept the empty plan ahead of me, I stay in my house and surround myself with as much familiar as I can. Soon enough I will be off with a new destiny but until I sell this house, I am here, between two worlds not able to move forward yet.

I am not frustrated yet, I know God will sell this house when I am ready to allow Him to lead me to the next level, but I am too nosy. I want to control everything in my life, and realize I can’t. Some things I have to leave in His hands and trust Him on. Sure I am doing the small things to get it ready to sell the Lord letting me think I am at least. Busy work is best for me right now and He knows it, but I am starting to want to move forward now. I need to move on with my life so I can do what I am called to do next. So as the final things are moving out of my house so they are within my grieving process. It is a strange parallel I am seeing. I didn’t know what I needed to heal through this, but God did. I didn’t need to go to my parents house right away, I needed alone time to grieve it through otherwise I may have been caught up in self pity. He knows me best and I am glad I allowed Him to take me through this, His way not mine.

I am not feeling the need to blog as much as I once did so I know I am getting better and stronger. I am in the itchy phase of healing. I want to run but I can’t but I feel like I can. My doctor is telling me not yet, even though I know I can. I have to resist the temptation to run, because it may really hurt me and I don’t want to set my recovery back. So for now, I itch and scratch and fidget around looking for something new yet nothing satisfies. It is in this hard place of obedience, submissiveness and eagerness the three medicines of my present state of recovery that I am learning discipline. I only hope the medicine doesn’t kill me.