Hinds Feet, Familiar Places

This morning on my new morning walking routine in the woods out behind our neighborhood, Millie and I saw a beautiful deer. Well actually we saw her running away from us as we interrupted her nice quiet morning. “As the hind longs for the running waters, so my soul longs for you O God” Ps 41:2. I wish she knew we were there for the same reason, peace beside restful running waters. The restful running waters being a drainage ditch but hey beggars can’t be choosy, it is still water.  I love deer. I have always taken them as a wink from God and even though it ran from me, I know it was there and will be back again. Just knowing there are deer around makes me feel better. Don’t ask me why, maybe because it’s familiar to me I guess. I used to see deer many times in my old backyard and for a short season two precious fawns played in the field across the street while their mama stood watching.  I enjoyed this interplay of man and wildlife co existing in the same neighborhood and still do.

I remember while in Ireland striking up a conversation with a couple from Brussels. They were there to take a green vacation to Ireland and were planning one to America because their city has no forests, it is surrounded by concrete. They were in pursuit of nature and the beauty of a quiet woods, grassy field and small furry animals scampering about. So it must be instinctual to crave it as I do and I take pleasure in being immersed in it when I can. I know many people crave the beach and I love the beach too, but only in the early morning or late evening when there are no people to distract from the songs of the waves. Since my dance with skin cancer I had best stick with the cool shady wooded areas anyway. Dappled sunlight suits me best as the forests songs seem more compatible with my soul.

Tomorrow is September and still I have no job, Lord what plans do you have for me? I wonder where you will have me to go and what I will do. I will continue to apply to places, but I refuse to worry because I know there is a place for me somewhere, just waiting on you. Just so you know, the waiting is easier now. I trust and will not be frustrated and I think it is because I had a cushion of family to fall on. I hope to find a church this month at least and a place to plug into and think I will make this a goal of mine. I need a place to volunteer and pour out again. It seems forever since I gave out.  It is time; I trust myself again and think it will be good for me.

That step into the woods was good for me and the confirmation with our deer companion was such an added blessing and I know as long as I seek you in the quiet, I will be okay. I have been so used to having my house alone to pray, scream, or praise and You sent me to once again seek quiet in the outside of my house. It is funny how being around people makes you act differently whether you want to or not. I listen out for mom or dad to call to me or ask me something just as I used to listen out for my children when I sat to pray before the house emptied out and Millie was the only one left with me. I am not saying it is a bad thing because it isn’t, it is just another adjustment. I think how much better I could have spent those solitary moments now that they are gone again. It is fine, I need to get back into the world again and this is fine, but again I marvel at how many times we must adapt. I am so blessed to be able to be able to adapt. It is how it is supposed to be.

I never felt alone when I had that time alone, because I always knew Steve would come home to fill the house with noise again. I made adjustments to things then and so did he. He was in solitude on the truck as much as I was at the house but we talked on the phone so much we lived together on the phone. When that connection was taken, the alone time I treasured so much changed. For the first few months after Steve died I was fine with it, I enjoyed being alone, naked in my raw emotions, with only God and Millie to see. I didn’t have to stop to answer a question or be accountable to anyone. Then as I started to crave human interaction change happened again. I could only take it incrementally like putting my toe into the water and eventually larger crowds were alright too. By the time I decided to leave my house the silence had gotten too loud and was pushing me away and I needed family around to fill my mind with new possibilities and hope. I wanted to be important to someone again and wanted my presence to be a blessing to people again. I felt so dirty with grief if that makes sense. It is like people could smell my sadness no matter how much perfume I put on. Finally I think the odor of grief has lifted and it took all those steps I took to get here.

Perhaps this caterpillar is emerging from her cocoon and I hope to be a butterfly, but moths do love to fly close to the light and I will fly as close to the light of my Jesus as I can get. However I emerge moth or butterfly both can soar into the sky and their perspective is much higher than that of a caterpillar. Here’s to soaring higher than before and being so light and airy that the wind will carry me where it wishes and I will be glad to go. I can adapt to anything because I have been prepared and tested. My strength is returning and I don’t feel fragile anymore. It is such a nice feeling.  I am blessed to have had the time to grieve and to receive healing specifically designed for me at the perfect time. Thank you God, thank you family, thank you friends.

 

Sweet September, la, la, la.

This morning I found a treasure. I explored a wooded area while on a walk with Millie my prayer dog, and found our new fortress of solitude. It is the secret place where teenagers go to hide from their parents and I know this by the surprisingly small amount of debris at the end of the path we trod this morning. It is the closest thing to normal for Millie I could find and one day I will allow her to roam free back there so she can have some peace too. Until we get our bearings she will stay leashed for now because I know for sure she will end up frolicking in the canal if I let her off her leash. I could tell by her smile and tongue hanging so close to the ground that she was happy. Since coming here I have not taken her for a walk yet mostly because of the heat, but also I just wanted her to know her boundaries and not long for home. This morning she started acting fidgety and I could tell it was time to get her back to nature and I needed it as well. Thank goodness there is a small bit of it nearby.

I think we will sneak off to our wooded paradise whenever we can now so she and I both can take in a dose of nature. It truly is a balm to our souls. I am not particularly an outdoorsman per se but I miss the wooded lot behind my home and the sounds of nature as I sat with my unleashed Millie on my back porch. My senses drank it all in and it was as if God’s mantle fell on me as I took it all in. Healing just happened.  I seem to think, pray and breathe much clearer in those wonderful green spaces. I hope Millie is up for another trip tomorrow morning. I don’t think I will have to force her since she is happiest when she is with me. Although mom and dad are really giving her extra attention and snacks so I may be getting squeezed out and it is okay with me. I am glad to have other people who love her so if I have to leave her she will be loved. She hasn’t been alone too much since we got her eleven years ago. I have been her mom.

It sounds like I am unsatisfied being here and long to be alone. No I am still adjusting to my new situation.  I feel as though I have been holding my breath for nearly a year and this morning I think I exhaled. Not sure if I fully exhaled, but I feel relief so that is good progress.  Who knows or cares, I feel happy about it. I have often thought of walking the neighborhood, but the thought of having to smile and make small talk when passing all the other walkers defeats my reason for walking, which is sorting through things in my head. There are times I feel very social and other times when I need alone time to self evaluate and listen to God speaking to me. It is a nice feeling to know I have a place to go which doesn’t include getting in my car and I have my guard dog to protect me. Dog spelled backwards you all know what that spells. I am protected no matter what; it is just nice to have my furry puppy nups with me. That is what I called her when she was a cute little puppy.

It feels like a la, la, la day and I can just la, la, la again. Stupid, lazy summer la, la, la day.  I know I need a job and the la, la, la will soon be gone, but I want to enjoy it. The quiet that came after Steve’s death had been so serious and heavy not allowing for much fun. I think I am ready to have fun again and I welcome having fun again. I have had some fun pockets but the seriousness of what I had to get back to, made them too short. These past few months have been so frantic and business minded, the “have to” driven events and even the times I went to the beach. Those were supposed to get my mind off of what I had lost, all I sold, leaving my friends and the loss of my house too. I have done things and had to think about things I don’t normally do or think about and the distraction though helpful, has been more stressful than I had imagined it was until I exhaled this morning.  I just didn’t take time to look backwards too much and now I can. La, la, la backwards stroke as I lie in my imaginary pool and think fondly back on my life and my love.  As I check off my list of have to’s I realize I am nearing the end of my list and I don’t feel as scattered. I am now where I will be until I get a job. I feel like my life this past year has been like one big Pin the Tail on the Donkey where I am blindfolded and spinning around and pinning things all over the place. People point and I pin never really seeing where I placed the tail. It just has to be good enough where it is.

 I am settling into being here and most all those events I dreaded but were eager for are behind me now. I have three more to go. The anniversary of Steve’s death in October, Mathu’s wedding in November,  and Mary’s graduation in December and then I will expel the rest of this breath I have held and the first year will be done with.  It will be bittersweet, but I think now for me, it will be more sweet than bitter. I believe I have swallowed the last bitter just when my grandbaby Brennan was born. I was afraid to handle big family things without Steve but am more confident I will be able to get through them now. It is good la, la, la and I no longer feel so weak like I will cry. I am stronger and can sing again and not feel guilty to have fun. I will have fun and I can really enjoy it and taste it now. I am excited since September holds no big event for me. Come on September be sweet to me. La, la, la September.

Crazy trip, Jump ship.

You want to go on a crazy trip with me today? Well keep reading but I advise you to jump ship right now, I am sorting things out again. Taking the sailing analogy further, there are times I feel adrift in this vast ocean of life. Some days the wind is so strong I move at a life altering pace and other days the wind just isn’t blowing. The sails are flat and the stillness of the air makes it seem thick enough to strangle. Do we call these times dark nights of the soul as some of the ancient saints called them? It sure appears as though the nights are darker out there especially on this vast, wide open ocean of life. Do I steer left or right looking for a good tailwind or wait for one to come along and carry me further on? Sitting still is not what we are called to do since we are pretty much doers by nature so we always move. Unfortunately I have been known to move backwards and this is not where I want to go now. So during these dark times of extreme silence what to do? I say be still but sing. Sing so loud our heavenly father will smile at the effort and perhaps even cringe.

I have sung so badly and loud on purpose just to get His attention that I actually sounded like a drunken pirate on shore leave. Some days I have sung as lovely as I can given the voice He blessed me with always hoping He would be so moved by my improvement and my sincerity that He would have to speak to me. It doesn’t really matter how good or bad, loud or soft, He hears it all and answers in His time. It is the time of testing. He tests us to see how vigilant we will be, how far we can be pushed. I must say at the end of some of my tests of survival and dependence on Him I always come out feeling so much stronger and confident but still I ask why. Much like a child asks “Why do I need a bath, I will just be dirty again tomorrow”.  It always feels good to be clean and truth is yes the dirt will come tomorrow but the game is to see how long you can stay clean.   

So yet another dark night on a large ocean is upon me again maybe? It is funny how the wind slowly dies down and before I know it I am windless. In the past I found myself usually in a mild panic but time has lessened the fear and now I just roll over in my hammock and say it is normal and it is perfectly alright.  I am now more curious and wonder what I will learn this time. As the days come and go the sun beats down on me and I thirst yet again for water and hunger for a wind to once again push me forward toward my destination I reassure myself that all this is normal and I will get through this again. I only pray that I learn quicker so it won’t last too long.

 I will go about my daily chores of cleaning my mind, setting lines out to catch my dinner, and sing to keep my mind busy and on Him. It is much easier in the resting time to focus on Him now instead of my problems. In the old days when I would whine about my problems and focus on them the whole time, the silence stretched out much longer. I have learned it is better to busy my mind with praise so I can get through this new test quicker. I have learned to trust that it is God keeping me sheltered and afloat and He can have His way with me because I am no longer as rebellious as I once was. Isn’t it funny that in my confinement I have become a freer person?

The hardest part of this voyage is the loneliness and the things I learn about myself during those many self analysis sessions. I still cheat a lot when I play a game of solitary, I tend to carry on conversations with myself and always win every argument. Sometimes I dance with a different fantasy partner every night after our meager dinner and I have to sing the melody that we dance to making up all the words. I also tend to be more cautious when attending to more difficult tasks that may cause me to slip or injure myself because these could cause me to lose my life before my journey is over. Stupid I know because I trust in the captain of my ship to steer me and death would only bring me faster to my heavenly home. This darned built in self preservation keeps me from doing things my mind sometimes toys with. Why do we think of worst case scenarios? Is it to prepare us and keep our minds sharp? I think perhaps it can since it has helped me work through some grief before an event such as the birth of my grandbaby. I mourned it out ahead of time in the simulator of my mind so that when I was actually there holding him in my arms my brain shut off the tears and mournful thoughts and brought forth smiles instead.

Quite times help tame my random thoughts and prioritize them better. It also brings forth more insane random thoughts. It is like trying to hear a whisper in a windstorm.  Reading and listening to music soothes me and quiets my mind while stimulating it at the same time. When I go to these happy places I insert myself far away from my present situation and escape. I am no longer bound by the confines of my present life and I am able to enter somewhere else whenever I choose to. It is a satisfying time in the loneliness of the day or night to be able to jump ship and sneak back after my wild adventure.  I have yet to get to the place during these tests where I can sing my praise songs and focus all day and night on God. I know that may happen in Heaven, but my mind still controls me and as these tests come and go, my focus time gets longer and longer on God. When I die, I will be 24/7 for now; I can’t give the odds, but trust me, not close enough. I am still a rambler.

 Like a feather on the wind, so goes my mind. I laugh when I saw the movie Tangled the Disney movie about the poor girl trapped in a tower alone, bored and so creative. Yep, that is me except my hair is shorter, and so is my attention span. Give me a task let me do it but will it bore me to pieces or bring some structure to my life. This is what I ponder now as I am seeking a job, some job, anything right now. I am really trying to put my mind in order and refocus because I am not used to being unsteady on my feet. I knew the town I raised my family in for 20 years quite well. I thought moving back to my hometown with familiar things would help, but this is more unfamiliar to me than I expected. Last night I went to the church we attended when Steve was stationed here for about a year. I realized I hadn’t been there since my daughter received her First Communion there many years ago. It looks different, but it was a touchstone. I long to move into the apartments we lived in realizing I won’t, but I just want something Steve familiar. Why do I do this to myself?  I find myself seeking out memory touchstones, some sense of familiarity.

I guess once an addict always an addict. I fantasize about our past life, and our future, and try my hardest to remember all I can so as not to lose him. My mind pieces all this out to me in small chunks for me to process I guess and I am surprised at how dry my eyes are getting and what is my new normal. I know it’s nearly a year, how quickly I seem to be forgetting things.  So I have written all this and sorted through to get to this: I am scared that I am forgetting about my life with Steve.  I also am beginning to understand that my mind has scattered my thoughts so proficiently and won’t allow me to see the whole picture yet so I can only dwell on small healings at a time. The picture is coming into focus though and I believe my emotions are starting to align with my situation. I am grateful it hasn’t all come crashing in at one time. I believe my mind may be realigning itself and who knows, I may be dangerous again real soon. Ok, I am done thinking for now and am thoroughly exhausted. Time for some comfort food.

A sailor went to Sea, see see

Well if anyone asks, practicing the sadness away worked for me especially well during the birth of my precious grandson a week ago. I was able to get through with barely a tear, but that is not to say they didn’t explode on my pillow at night. The stress of holding it all together and holding it in nearly sent me to a bar somewhere when I got home.  Never fear, I restrained myself and find I am better now.

I think out of all the first afters I missed Steve the most during this very special family event. He was my shoulder to cry on, he was my ear to listen to me and my strong arms to hug me and I sorely missed his physical presence. Once again, it was the intimacy I missed his smile and mutual delight in our little Brennan as he smiled at me. I miss sharing that joy with him and talking about how wonderful it was to spend time with Hannah and brag with him about how good and smart she is. So many times I wanted to turn and share a smile with him and experience this emotional, joyous   occasion with me. Whew I guess I better start practicing now for the wedding of our middle child in November. If not I will be a blubbering mess.

I am doing well though and very surprised that life is quickly moving on. I am still looking for a job unfortunately people want resume’s and mine is still very weak. I have to meet more people since it is all who you know. Being a homemaker for so many years in another state makes this particularly challenging. My hometown is filled with new faces and I find myself not knowing as many people as I once knew. Those I do know support me and are doing what they can for me, but it will take time. I know I have a job somewhere, just not sure where and when. My parents are a blessing and not pushing me, the pushing comes from me. In reality it would have been difficult to start a job with so many family obligations to attend to this year, but now I feel I should be able to be more serious about it and won’t have to ask for too many extra days off because of prior commitments.  

Keeping faith that God is still in control has helped me along in my process. I am still as stubborn as ever and want things to go my way, but it is much easier to realize, He is in control, my house will sell in His time, my job will come in His time and there is nothing I can do or say to hurry that along. I just sit still, listen and do my small part like putting in applications and answer questions from my realtor. It is strange watching my ship steer itself not knowing where it will lead, but knowing it is going in the right direction. The days and night are long waiting to see land and sometimes my mind goes where it shouldn’t, but eventually it comes back and I see the prize and realize my father has my best interest at heart and I can trust Him.

I want too many things and not enough of the things He wants. This is the part which is hard for me, I once was bound but now I am free but sometimes still living as a bound person. I am not saying being married bound me, my choices bound me. I am now trying to hear better choices for my life and giving up the reigns is hard. (I understand I spelled reins as the way you do when referring to ruling and yes the wordplay is meant as such.) I want to rule my life so badly, but I think if I let go and ask my wonderful Counselor for advise this time, things may go the way they should go instead of the way I steered them. I rowed my boat, it was hard, now I want a boat with rudder and sails to go faster and be taller in the water so I may see further ahead and be seen in return.  A different path for me, I even find myself consciously making opposite choices on silly things such as clothes. If I am drawn to a certain style or color, I look for the opposite and go that way sometimes. I am training myself to think another way.

So you see, I am in training of sorts, I feel like I am doing nothing, but I am. Silent, life altering training takes time and I am blessed by God to be able to get this time even though I feel as though I should be out doing something. It is a slow steady process since it takes a long time to turn a ship this big. Funny how my choices make for a big lumbering ship, yet the boat I rowed my life in was a small life raft. The irony of all this ship talk and my choice to join the Navy makes me laugh. Perhaps I really was meant to be a sailor. This sailor went to Sea to see what she could See....

Sad Happy Time

Sleep may elude me tonight as I anticipate heading to Mobile for the birth of my second grandchild, Brennan. I have purposely allowed myself to run through the emotional scenarios of this weekend to harden me again so the tears that flow will be only joyous ones, and not the sad ones I feel right now. I am finding this preparation has carried me through other first occasions since October but I am apprehensive about seeing Brennan without Steve being there at my side. It may also be that dread clock that has been ticking inside of me since October 19^th of last year. Friday will be August 19^th exactly 10 months since the worst day of my life. So you see I am trying to see this joyous day as the new birth that it is, but that means letting go again.

 My mind says get on with it, your grandson will bring you so much joy you will forget the pain. I am feeling pain because that means releasing Steve some more and I am afraid to let him go. He took up such a large part of my life for so many years. I don’t know how to go it alone and still don’t want to yet. My mind also tells me I must let go, so I can move on, but I feel so unfaithful to Steve whenever I do this. It is hard to put into words the sense of disloyalty I feel to our marriage and to the life we shared and were supposed to still be sharing. I feel as though I am abandoning him even though it was actually the other way around. Steve didn’t make the choice to abandon me, but it is my choice to let him go. Twisted I know but it is what it is, I cannot make myself feel any other way right now. I want him in my life and when I expect to see him or share a moment with him and he isn’t there, I get angry and sad.

I realize how many emotions I may have pent up or have just put off feeling in my bouts of denial and reality checks. This week and other past first events tend to bring reality to the surface. I find that I am uneasy around couples right now. I am jealous, angry, sad and just sick that I feel this way sometimes. I love my family and friends and would never want anything to cause them to separate and be miserable or alone but right now I am particularly sensitive to being single. Honestly, where the heck is normal when I need it? Truly this must be how a bird feels when it has one wing. Nothing really makes me fly right now and being grounded makes for a pretty low perspective. Not that I want to look down on anyone, I just want to be able to fly away  into the quiet air streams of greater heights and let the current take me where it may.

Third wheel stinks. Who ever thought of such a term? My kids have their spouses or girl/boyfriends, my parents have each other, siblings have their spouses and the reality hits hard as I feel like a bitter old prune sometimes because I want what they have. I don’t want anyone else right now, just Steve. I can’t even go there and really don’t want to think about the process to get there again. I was settled for life, and now I’m not. Is this my life to be? Am I always to be a sad third wheel? I now understand the loneliness of a friend I had once whose husband divorced her suddenly. People don’t know what to say to me; I don’t know what to say or how to respond sometimes. I need my own people around me, perhaps I need to find a group of other third wheels so we can get this life moving again. I have got to get over this to move on. I am frustrated that the waves keep coming. Is there no end to the waves?

When I get back from this glorious weekend, I will look into the group idea but for now I will put on my best "Me mere" face and be happy for my darlings, so I can welcome my little man Brennan to our family. I really wish I could be as happy as I was when Hannah was born and who knows, maybe this sadness will wear off in three days. Brennan I want your day to be as perfect as Hannah’s was.   I will love you for both me and your grandfather who is not here with us to share your special day. I wish he were here to welcome you into this world, but I am sure he knows all about you. I pray my sadness will dissipate the moment I  look on your sweet face. I want to be in a better place when I meet you and am doing the best I can to get there. God please don’t let any sadness fall on my precious grandson when I meet him, take it away now and infuse me with your joy. I trust it will happen just as I prayed it. Lord knows I have practiced the sadness away by now.

Throwing up These Hands

I  am coming off the high of a weekend with my dear friends, signing a purchase agreement with someone interested in buying my house, and of course the first bridal shower for my daughter in law to be. Yesterday I went to a funeral for the husband of an old high school class mate who lost her husband suddenly. I felt strong enough to go to the funeral, and had a few moments of teary eyes as I reflected selfishly back to last October trying to remember what was said and who was there. Today I sit on the ground, tangled in all these emotions. I missed Steve so much this weekend while with my boys in Alabama.  I longed to share it all with him at nights end and a few times in between. That was perhaps the bitter in an otherwise sweet weekend.

I am so excited for the wedding and seeing my new grandbaby be born next week and mixed in all that are the reality moments of it; Steve isn’t here. I tried to explain to my mom that it isn’t the same sharing with friends and family as it is with a spouse who knows everything about you. Steve was proud and happy and sad about what I was proud, happy or sad about because we shared our hearts. Is there anything more intimate than that? I don’t think there is so I don’t mean to discount sharing with friends or family, but there is a missing element our shared heart. I miss that and maybe will have it again someday, but I doubt it.

Acceptance is settling in now. It has been a transition to be home again with all its activities, and lack of activity. The lack of privacy is different not that mom and dad have encroached, but you just can’t do whatever moves you when it moves you, like vacuuming in the nude in the middle of the night when sleep won’t take over. I want you to know I haven’t done that yet, but it isn’t even an option now, it is outside the realm of possibility now. I used to go out in my back yard in my pajamas in the middle of the night watching the sky and listening to the night sounds never having to worry about my neighbors, loved that, miss that. I am adjusting to city living again different sounds, brighter night less stars.  It is much like adjusting to my empty home in Selma, knowing Steve’s laughter would never echo there again. I mourn the loss of privacy, my familiar surroundings, and rural noises and yes that includes the occasional gunshot and crow of a rooster, even that obnoxious braying donkey half a mile away. I miss the frolicking deer in my yard, and even the pesky chipmunks because they were all mine and very familiar to me.

I have had to sleep with ear plugs since moving back home. It is not all about the noisy air conditioner outside my bedroom window, dogs barking, motorcycles zoom and fireworks explode in the night sky on holidays. I know I will get used to all this noise and peace will reign againbut first I must adjust to all that and the faster pace of living here. Everyone seems to be hurried only some smile and take the time for a greeting. I enjoy trying to engage people in conversation. I know it sounds like everyone is unfriendly, they aren’t, it’s just that the small town I just left was very friendly.  People waved to each other as you passed them on the rural roads or if they were out mowing their yards. I found this fascinating when I first moved there. They called it “throwing up a hand.” I remember a neighbor being upset with a neighbor because he couldn’t take the time to “throw up a hand” when he drove by so he in turn wouldn’t throw his up. I have noticed the yard workers looking at me strangely as I throw up a hand as I pass them by. They are wondering if I know them or if I am harassing them probably. I could conform, but I rather like throwing up a hand at someone just to keep them wondering.

I ponder and find myself longing for my Heavenly home some days mostly being lazy and feeling sorry for myself and not wanting to figure all this out. Some days I wonder if I am suicidal, wanting to be done with this world but I really don’t want to die, I want to live, but I want to live with all my loved ones. Yes we all die, no newsflash there, but why don’t we get enough time to say everything we should say. Why can’t we have it all? This is why I welcome death when I can have it all, God, family and freedom. I have some regrets with Steve like never telling him enough (in my opinion) how much he meant to me. Death can come so I can see him and tell him in an instant everything I should have said and vice versa. I will never do anything to hurry my death along, I just long to see my home again and other people I miss, but mainly Steve right now. I imagine the older I get I will know less living people and I will probably long more to see the long list of my dead loved ones more. For now, I have more people here living in the present and I don’t want to miss a moment in their lives.

Steve, I am once again throwing this into the airwaves, hoping it catches a good wave and you are able to receive it and know how much you meant to me. This whole grandparent, wedding stuff will be hard without you but I hope you know, you are the only one I can wholly share this with and I am off balance right now. You really did complete me. I will be throwing up a hand from time to time darling, hope you see them. In my present circumstances I will be throwing them up in surrender. I feel defeated today because you didn’t make it to these happy times with me. I shouldn’t be the only one standing in for us at these joyous occasions in the lives of our children. I surrender, I don’t understand but I know it is alright somehow. I will make it save me a seat.

Thoughts of Pearls

Ok so the day has come, tomorrow is the day Steve and I would have celebrated our 30^th wedding anniversary which is the Pearl one. I didn't know this, but Steve knew and he had me pick out a pearl necklace at a jewelry store back home. He was looking forward to buying me a pearl necklace for our anniversary this year and was disappointed when I chose a single pearl necklace. Pearls are nice, but I tend to be a minimalist and loved the beauty and simplicity of that one teardrop pearl I selected.  It turns out it doesn't matter anyhow because we never made it to tomorrow.

Happy Anniversary my love,the words just fly through the air and I hope they hit their intended target, YOU.  it will be the most lonely one I have ever had. I remember complaining when you weren’t home for our anniversary a couple of times, being out on the road on those long hauls, but nothing compares to the distance of this year. I would gladly take back those whiny disappointments because there always came a celebration, no matter how long delayed. I long to share a simple meal, a laugh and perhaps even some wine with you tomorrow. So it will be a busy day again, as I look for some distraction to ease my sadness. It is funny how we have two days for my sadness to bubble up, tomorrow and the anniversary of our first wedding at the Silver Bell Wedding Chapel in Las Vegas. That was our official day, but Aug 2 was the day we got to share with family and friends and have the church bless our union.  This was the day we chose to celebrate because it was a standalone celebration for us with no holiday activities to interfere with our day.

I looked forward to this milestone year as did you. You were like a little kid about that pearl necklace making me choose one so far ahead of our day. I bet you couldn’t wait until this anniversary so I suspect I would have gotten it in possibly for Christmas then tomorrow something else to match it. I know you Steve.  It may not have happened that way exactly but it’s so nice to know how excited you were, and this memory carries me through tomorrow. I have a very vivid imagination and see it played out nicely and perfectly in my head. All I keep saying is “Thank God we celebrated with Ireland already”. That was big and I have the pictures to prove it. I am eternally grateful to God you were there with me and we had a fun trip. Steve did you know your time here with me was coming to an end. Is that why we blessedly did that trip in advance? Is that why I knew a year ahead I would be getting a pearl necklace?

Tomorrow is Aug 2, 2011 A.S. just another day in the life of me. It will fly under the radar and the day will ebb and flow just like all other days. I will be sad, but I am much happier than sad to have had so many years with you. I spent more days with you than apart, and these will carry me through tomorrow as they have each day since last year. I keep telling you that you married a strong woman. I keep telling myself that too so I won’t forget it. God is my strong tower and He will keep me through the day tomorrow by sending angels my way to keep me busy.  He has already gone before and arranged my distractions. We will be blessed with another visit from my sister and my nieces tomorrow, and believe me no one can be sad with those precious angels around. On Wednesday I will see my beautiful daughter and Thursday I travel for the weekend to see my YaYa's and visit with my sons in Alabama for the first bridal shower. How exciting for me to be lavished with so many precious gems over this anniversary week. Love surrounds me still, who can be sad, well maybe just a little, but how can it remain? I won't be inviting  it to stay.

So again I say Happy Anniversary darling. I am so glad you got everything you ever wanted and have a parking spot up front. You were always favored here on earth and I am sure that is where you are in Heaven too. Just so you know, I never wanted pearls anyway, I just wanted you to be happy, and so you are. Happy Anniversary to me to know you have the best gift ever.