Sleep may elude me tonight as I anticipate heading to Mobile for the birth of my second grandchild, Brennan. I have purposely allowed myself to run through the emotional scenarios of this weekend to harden me again so the tears that flow will be only joyous ones, and not the sad ones I feel right now. I am finding this preparation has carried me through other first occasions since October but I am apprehensive about seeing Brennan without Steve being there at my side. It may also be that dread clock that has been ticking inside of me since October 19th of last year. Friday will be August 19th exactly 10 months since the worst day of my life. So you see I am trying to see this joyous day as the new birth that it is, but that means letting go again.
My mind says get on with it, your grandson will bring you so much joy you will forget the pain. I am feeling pain because that means releasing Steve some more and I am afraid to let him go. He took up such a large part of my life for so many years. I don’t know how to go it alone and still don’t want to yet. My mind also tells me I must let go, so I can move on, but I feel so unfaithful to Steve whenever I do this. It is hard to put into words the sense of disloyalty I feel to our marriage and to the life we shared and were supposed to still be sharing. I feel as though I am abandoning him even though it was actually the other way around. Steve didn’t make the choice to abandon me, but it is my choice to let him go. Twisted I know but it is what it is, I cannot make myself feel any other way right now. I want him in my life and when I expect to see him or share a moment with him and he isn’t there, I get angry and sad.
I realize how many emotions I may have pent up or have just put off feeling in my bouts of denial and reality checks. This week and other past first events tend to bring reality to the surface. I find that I am uneasy around couples right now. I am jealous, angry, sad and just sick that I feel this way sometimes. I love my family and friends and would never want anything to cause them to separate and be miserable or alone but right now I am particularly sensitive to being single. Honestly, where the heck is normal when I need it? Truly this must be how a bird feels when it has one wing. Nothing really makes me fly right now and being grounded makes for a pretty low perspective. Not that I want to look down on anyone, I just want to be able to fly away into the quiet air streams of greater heights and let the current take me where it may.
Third wheel stinks. Who ever thought of such a term? My kids have their spouses or girl/boyfriends, my parents have each other, siblings have their spouses and the reality hits hard as I feel like a bitter old prune sometimes because I want what they have. I don’t want anyone else right now, just Steve. I can’t even go there and really don’t want to think about the process to get there again. I was settled for life, and now I’m not. Is this my life to be? Am I always to be a sad third wheel? I now understand the loneliness of a friend I had once whose husband divorced her suddenly. People don’t know what to say to me; I don’t know what to say or how to respond sometimes. I need my own people around me, perhaps I need to find a group of other third wheels so we can get this life moving again. I have got to get over this to move on. I am frustrated that the waves keep coming. Is there no end to the waves?
When I get back from this glorious weekend, I will look into the group idea but for now I will put on my best "Me mere" face and be happy for my darlings, so I can welcome my little man Brennan to our family. I really wish I could be as happy as I was when Hannah was born and who knows, maybe this sadness will wear off in three days. Brennan I want your day to be as perfect as Hannah’s was. I will love you for both me and your grandfather who is not here with us to share your special day. I wish he were here to welcome you into this world, but I am sure he knows all about you. I pray my sadness will dissipate the moment I look on your sweet face. I want to be in a better place when I meet you and am doing the best I can to get there. God please don’t let any sadness fall on my precious grandson when I meet him, take it away now and infuse me with your joy. I trust it will happen just as I prayed it. Lord knows I have practiced the sadness away by now.
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