You want to go on a crazy trip with me today? Well keep reading but I advise you to jump ship right now, I am sorting things out again. Taking the sailing analogy further, there are times I feel adrift in this vast ocean of life. Some days the wind is so strong I move at a life altering pace and other days the wind just isn’t blowing. The sails are flat and the stillness of the air makes it seem thick enough to strangle. Do we call these times dark nights of the soul as some of the ancient saints called them? It sure appears as though the nights are darker out there especially on this vast, wide open ocean of life. Do I steer left or right looking for a good tailwind or wait for one to come along and carry me further on? Sitting still is not what we are called to do since we are pretty much doers by nature so we always move. Unfortunately I have been known to move backwards and this is not where I want to go now. So during these dark times of extreme silence what to do? I say be still but sing. Sing so loud our heavenly father will smile at the effort and perhaps even cringe.
I have sung so badly and loud on purpose just to get His attention that I actually sounded like a drunken pirate on shore leave. Some days I have sung as lovely as I can given the voice He blessed me with always hoping He would be so moved by my improvement and my sincerity that He would have to speak to me. It doesn’t really matter how good or bad, loud or soft, He hears it all and answers in His time. It is the time of testing. He tests us to see how vigilant we will be, how far we can be pushed. I must say at the end of some of my tests of survival and dependence on Him I always come out feeling so much stronger and confident but still I ask why. Much like a child asks “Why do I need a bath, I will just be dirty again tomorrow”. It always feels good to be clean and truth is yes the dirt will come tomorrow but the game is to see how long you can stay clean.
So yet another dark night on a large ocean is upon me again maybe? It is funny how the wind slowly dies down and before I know it I am windless. In the past I found myself usually in a mild panic but time has lessened the fear and now I just roll over in my hammock and say it is normal and it is perfectly alright. I am now more curious and wonder what I will learn this time. As the days come and go the sun beats down on me and I thirst yet again for water and hunger for a wind to once again push me forward toward my destination I reassure myself that all this is normal and I will get through this again. I only pray that I learn quicker so it won’t last too long.
I will go about my daily chores of cleaning my mind, setting lines out to catch my dinner, and sing to keep my mind busy and on Him. It is much easier in the resting time to focus on Him now instead of my problems. In the old days when I would whine about my problems and focus on them the whole time, the silence stretched out much longer. I have learned it is better to busy my mind with praise so I can get through this new test quicker. I have learned to trust that it is God keeping me sheltered and afloat and He can have His way with me because I am no longer as rebellious as I once was. Isn’t it funny that in my confinement I have become a freer person?
The hardest part of this voyage is the loneliness and the things I learn about myself during those many self analysis sessions. I still cheat a lot when I play a game of solitary, I tend to carry on conversations with myself and always win every argument. Sometimes I dance with a different fantasy partner every night after our meager dinner and I have to sing the melody that we dance to making up all the words. I also tend to be more cautious when attending to more difficult tasks that may cause me to slip or injure myself because these could cause me to lose my life before my journey is over. Stupid I know because I trust in the captain of my ship to steer me and death would only bring me faster to my heavenly home. This darned built in self preservation keeps me from doing things my mind sometimes toys with. Why do we think of worst case scenarios? Is it to prepare us and keep our minds sharp? I think perhaps it can since it has helped me work through some grief before an event such as the birth of my grandbaby. I mourned it out ahead of time in the simulator of my mind so that when I was actually there holding him in my arms my brain shut off the tears and mournful thoughts and brought forth smiles instead.
Quite times help tame my random thoughts and prioritize them better. It also brings forth more insane random thoughts. It is like trying to hear a whisper in a windstorm. Reading and listening to music soothes me and quiets my mind while stimulating it at the same time. When I go to these happy places I insert myself far away from my present situation and escape. I am no longer bound by the confines of my present life and I am able to enter somewhere else whenever I choose to. It is a satisfying time in the loneliness of the day or night to be able to jump ship and sneak back after my wild adventure. I have yet to get to the place during these tests where I can sing my praise songs and focus all day and night on God. I know that may happen in Heaven, but my mind still controls me and as these tests come and go, my focus time gets longer and longer on God. When I die, I will be 24/7 for now; I can’t give the odds, but trust me, not close enough. I am still a rambler.
Like a feather on the wind, so goes my mind. I laugh when I saw the movie Tangled the Disney movie about the poor girl trapped in a tower alone, bored and so creative. Yep, that is me except my hair is shorter, and so is my attention span. Give me a task let me do it but will it bore me to pieces or bring some structure to my life. This is what I ponder now as I am seeking a job, some job, anything right now. I am really trying to put my mind in order and refocus because I am not used to being unsteady on my feet. I knew the town I raised my family in for 20 years quite well. I thought moving back to my hometown with familiar things would help, but this is more unfamiliar to me than I expected. Last night I went to the church we attended when Steve was stationed here for about a year. I realized I hadn’t been there since my daughter received her First Communion there many years ago. It looks different, but it was a touchstone. I long to move into the apartments we lived in realizing I won’t, but I just want something Steve familiar. Why do I do this to myself? I find myself seeking out memory touchstones, some sense of familiarity.
I guess once an addict always an addict. I fantasize about our past life, and our future, and try my hardest to remember all I can so as not to lose him. My mind pieces all this out to me in small chunks for me to process I guess and I am surprised at how dry my eyes are getting and what is my new normal. I know it’s nearly a year, how quickly I seem to be forgetting things. So I have written all this and sorted through to get to this: I am scared that I am forgetting about my life with Steve. I also am beginning to understand that my mind has scattered my thoughts so proficiently and won’t allow me to see the whole picture yet so I can only dwell on small healings at a time. The picture is coming into focus though and I believe my emotions are starting to align with my situation. I am grateful it hasn’t all come crashing in at one time. I believe my mind may be realigning itself and who knows, I may be dangerous again real soon. Ok, I am done thinking for now and am thoroughly exhausted. Time for some comfort food.
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