You know Chocolate is my first true love when I am not at my best but I will tell you my next sinful comfort food is a big hunk of chunky peanut butter on a spoon affectionately called my Peanut Butter Spoon. Both Chocolate and Peanut butter go great together we all know that, but did you know they taste pretty good with a cold beer? Ha I bet you think I have gone to the dark side, no, it just surprised me how well they went together.
Now back to the main reason for my blogging today. I have a birthday coming up, and I have nothing special planned and really don’t care whether I do something or not. I am back to being numb again. Nothing seems to taste good, feel good or look good to me. Is it depression nagging me again? You bet it is, but I will deal again as I usually do. I mean no offense to my very married family, but I am used to being in a married state whether hanging with family or not. It never bothered me until now when I am feeling so alone again. My mind is adapting to being single and all that encompasses and I’m really bored, lonely and not ready for this. I am still fighting anger. I want to rage and hit something again so really I am not good company even for myself. However in the midst of all of this blah I planted sunflowers at various places throughout our yard. I don’t remember where I planted any of them; I just want to be surprised when they sprout up. I am fighting darkness with light the most fun way I know how. Sunflowers are my favorite flowers and I am waiting for my army to grow. I hope they grow quick and tall. I chose to plant the biggest ones I know the Mammoth’s I had grown once before. I need tall flowers because they will be much bigger than any of those small shadows chasing me.
I guess it was inevitable that as I tested the new waters of keeping company that I would be reeling again. I will do what I always do to test the water, dip my toes, recoil quickly, shiver, back up, suck it lots of air to nearly hyperventilate then I jump in. There is minimal pain in the recoil, mostly fear, but jumping requires overcoming the fear of the icy water and feeling the shock again of hitting that icy water after I jump in. There are days when I want to feel pain, yes to feel anything is good. I am also being bombarded by all those negative thoughts again, not that I will act on any of them. I am really becoming very empathetic towards people who succumb to these awful nagging voices in my head.
I am blogging it all out on paper and in public, but by tomorrow I will probably be ok again or maybe not until the day after. The shadows of darkness and depression buzz constantly throughout my brain but I don’t really see them until I slow down. This depression is just something I have started to learn to live with over the last 18 months. I pray it doesn’t get bigger and am praying and trusting God will keep it from me. But just so others you all may know, I know God loves me, but it still doesn’t stop those voices. The big voice within me does only if I stop entertaining them. The fascination in picking a wound to feel the pain brings my back to childhood. I picked my scabs to see if my sore was healing but picking the scab made it hurt worse. Finally you stop the picking and reach for the antibiotic cream. I never said I was a very smart kid, very curious and didn’t like surprises.
So right now, I am waiting for my sunflowers to shoot up and grow and keeping company with my chocolate and peanut butter. I am waiting for my joy to burst forth once again and what makes me ahead of the game is that I know it will happen again. The sun always burns the clouds away because it can’t always be rainy. But with all the rain those flowers will bloom and grow tall and this will bring my joy again. Once again I repeat my mantra that which doesn’t kill me makes me strong.
No comments:
Post a Comment