NEXT....

Well that was quite a wave I rode and I am finally at the other side of it I think. I suppose those idiot grief books have some wisdom to them although I must say, I do not agree with their timelines at all. I don’t want to wait so many years per year I was married to get over this. I want it all behind me now and I think I am doing great at it (today at least). I am dealing in spurts, as new experiences come up, I hit them head on, then I fall flat on my bottom dazed and confused yes birds floating about my head just like in the cartoons, but at least I am still conscious. TKO is the way to go, you look like you still are in the present but really you are in another world LA LA Land where the past is present and the present is present and it is hard pry them apart. It is where you see present circumstances but with distant eyes filled with what ifs and suppositions. Suppose Steve was still here how would things be? What if he was still alive and this was all a dream? Stupid ideas, I know, but it is all part of my brain, parceling out what I can handle in small amounts I guess.

I have just passed another big series of firsts and reality checks and am moving through the Game of Life yet again. Some days I feel like I am just a player on the board but other days I feel like the one playing the game.  I recently connected with an old friend from high school whom I hadn't seen since high school until I attended the funeral of her husband a few short months after moving back home. I offered her my shoulder and it wasn't until just recently when I needed her and she needed me that we saw each other again and decided we needed to form our own support group. It was so nice talking with her and spending time with someone who shares my heart. Most people only can offer a sympathetic ear or heartfelt hug, but we speak the same spoken and unspoken language and I perfectly understand her and the pain. It is such a God event in my life because one of my closest friends became my friend after she moved back home to Selma. I never knew her before, but we became connected through a mutual friend and we became fast friends. She had lost her husband only a few short months before I met her and although I felt her pain then I could never fully connect with her pain like I can now it is almost a different language because most of it is just a silent inner knowing. I bless God for giving her to me then because there are pains we can share with each other that are hard to share with others. So now I am now able to be that person in my high school friends’ life and I now have a Slidell connection and the widow circle grows. I am so glad God knows how to play it forward He goes before us to help us before we know we need it. I am so glad to have someone local to speak to since I have had to leave Selma to come back home. He knows.

I am amazed at how interconnected we are as the body of Christ and how complicated life is but I don’t have to worry so much about the details, God seems to go before me to work those out. For so many years I fought with Him about this, but now it is just easier on me to let Him work it out. I will always be obstinate and have my bullish moments, but He always wins. I sometimes wonder if I have given up on my own life and am just flowing along in denial and then I do something stupid and realize I am still in the struggle for control. My flesh just won’t die like I want it to and that is when I mourn the most and it is when I start to focus on my misery (yes I will say self pity) again, that is when I get new revelation to get out and focus on someone else. I am there again, anyone need help??? I am so available right now.

Anyway, I am confessing to myself with all two of you as my witnesses that I really am still mourning, but I can no longer allow it to consume my identity. I am not ready for a relationship, but I am ready to move on. Yes I know you have heard it, but it is like in church when you hear a reading over and over and you only get it when revelation hits you. Then it is like brand new to you? Well this is my recent revelation I don’t care what you think of me, I don’t care what I think of me, I am moving on physically and spiritually and my emotions will just have to play catch up. Sometimes they get in my way, but really I need to move to the next level because I am so bored with this one that I am no longer learning. It is another season. NEXT….