Stormy Weather

There are days you just feel stupid, alone and just plain naive. I thought naming something meant what I meant it to be and not anything deeper, but it didn't happen that way. I got tangled in my own miscommunication with my gentleman friend whom I was keeping company with. Yes that is what I called it but as it goes that was not the case. Things didn't go the way I had hoped and emotions got in the way and we have now parted ways. Hopefully we will remain friends, but I am too much of a hot mess to be able to be trying to have a relationship deeper than friendship right now. Heck I missed so many signals and I hurt him pretty bad and for that reason, I need to be alone. In my search for companionship I end up alone again. Funny thing is, I thought one way and he thought another. Heck it was so easy with Steve because he knew what I was thinking before I even knew and the same goes the other way. We knew each other and it was easier.
Back to the couch for me. I enjoyed the experience of getting out, getting to know someone and experiencing more firsts in my new life. It was an old, new experience. I am finding it harder to be upbeat these days though I get so down on myself for missing things I should know or learning new tricks or meeting new people even. I go to work, keep my head down and hope for the best. I am blessed to have my job and blessed to have my family to keep me busy because I am scared to admit this but I can see how a person could get so depressed and find other pursuits to dull the pain. I say this as I drink a beer alone and blog about my life today. How cliche is that.
I say pain, well it is probably more like a bad ache now, it is not as acute as at first, I live with it. There are days like when the weather in my life turns bad where the pain flares up and throbs and aches so deeply within and I can't really pin point a place of origin. The place of origin though is my heart so why does it feel as though my whole body aches. It sneaks up on you and you just never know how hard it will throb or for how long. Once the weather passes it abates, but never really goes away. I wonder if it ever does? It is just below the surface waiting to attack when I seem to be moving on. I guess I am in a stormy weather pattern right now looking for a sunny day again.
Does anyone out there in Blogville know if pain ever goes away for good? I know it will when I die (Yes I have had the thought a time or two), but is that the only way to kill the pain? If it is I guess I will have to live with it.I wish my kids lived closer to me, you would think spending time with them all looking so much like Steve that the pain you would be harder to deal with but actually it is comforting to be around them. We created a beautiful family together and their joy lifts my spirits so much.
 Right now I feel as though I am walking in a bubble again. I started to feel somethings not normal for me, and got scared so I am processing those feelings to discern if I am OK. I won't blog them out because they are personal, but they do have to do with the big Dating word I was so frightened of. I think I almost dated and got scared. A friend flat out told me I was dating and I really couldn't handle that. It made me feel so ashamed and unfaithful. I am positive when I say I am not ready, but I am closer than I was a few months ago, so that is progress. And I have my gentleman friend to thank for being so kind and patient. I hate that my craziness may have hurt him even though I gave him fair warning, it still feels bad.
So I am spinning my wheels again, same situation, learning slowly, going in and out of waves. Learning about being alone again and trying to find the benefits of it. God is still in control even though I am now trying to take the reigns again, I found out that is not a smart idea. Drive on Lord, where we going now. Steer me free of the stormy weather and into the sunny days again.