Walking through the doorway of breakthrough

Mourning is done..I am officially entering a new place more challenging yet exciting than the last three years of my life. I am moving forward again not drifting or floating but with purpose and direction. The direction is forward and upward. My head is clearer, my heart opening up again and the world just seems brighter. My spring is here and it is summer. There is a season for everything under this sun and I may not be in season with nature but I am in season with me.
Last weekend was our wedding anniversary and I found myself on a road trip visiting with my kids. It was made more enjoyable by the friendly drive I had with a long lost male friend from high school. We made excellent traveling companions and I felt completely safe. What surprised me most was that I was lost in my new life and not in my mourning anymore. I acknowledged the date but didn't grieve it.  I am in my breakthrough finally able to say and mean I have re-entered my life again. I can be of help and assistance and think with a clear head again and not worry about bleeding out onto another hurting soul. It is such a great feeling.
I thank God for all those wonderful people He put into my path to help me process my emotions which can I say were extremely out of sync! I thank God for the widow before me, the widow after me, family, friends all strategically placed in my life to bring me back to life. I have lots of living left to do and plan to use my time as wisely as I can. Thank you to you insane people who cried with me and watched me blog through this awful transition. I am about to put the Mantle to bed and bring out the dancing shoes. God you have turned my mourning into dancing. Woo hoo look out world here I come. I crack myself up sometimes but I am laughing again. Love you all and who knows I may continue to blog the scary exciting new world ahead. ;-)

Creeps In

It has been a year since this time last
And do you realize how much I still miss you
My head is elsewhere on a trip to visit my son
Yet my heart aches to hear your voice
And hear the words I long to hear again
Happy Anniversary my love

I am stunned at my head for not dwelling
On the special holiday we shared for so long
It is true time heals all wounds
Except for those of the heart it seems
For my heart is still connected to yours
Happy Anniversary my love

For the last two years I set aside
This day to mourn our lost love
To remember the love we shared together
And the life we we planned to finish well together
Never dreaming one of us would move on alone
Happy Anniversary my love.

Does the fact that I made plans
To treat this day as any other day
Mean that I am moving on without you
And making my way towards another life
Yet my heart still tugs subconsciously
Happy Anniversary my love.

A dream stirs me awake with your voice still lingering
Instructing and advising me on my pathway in life
Then realization sinks in as I acutally study a calendar and
I see why my heart is yearning to remember a day
So meaningful to me for so many years of my life.
Happy Anniversary my love.

My busy life may obstruct my thoughts
But my heart is never too busy to dwell
On my love who stole my heart so many years ago
And who has gone before me to see our Father
Perhaps you are thinking of me too.
Happy Anniversary my love

So I celebrate the anniversary we shared together
By celebrating my life moving forward without all that sadness
Each year the pain has receded as promised
Leaving me still loving and hurting less.
Feeling your hugs from afar and able to breathe again.
Happy Anniversary, Steve. You were such a gift to me.

More triggers

It has been a long time since last I felt the need to write/purge. Life has been a blessing, work is great, I have lots of new friends and plenty to keep me occupied. Yesterday my mother told me a cousin died of a massive heart attack. She said it was like Steve, no lingering just quick and I agreed how wonderful that was. Up until tonight when I started to think. Steve was alone and my mind recreated how I think things went with him. I know he walked with God, but was there a thought of fear and of us left behind. The fear of life undone? Did he feel pain and when he fell in the parking lot of the store he stopped at, did he hit his head? Did he feel that pain at all?
Now I have never given this too much thought before because of the torture I feel when I go there and the guilt I feel at not being there with him when he left me. I really never follow the thought all the way to the ground like I have done this evening. I recall conversations we had about his fear of not wanting to die alone in his truck, and his constant longing to be with his family and not on the road alone. Yes all pure pain I am feeling as I type this, but somehow I feel it is maybe somewhere I need to go right now, perhaps a healing in another area.
I am not really a morbid person and I have kept away from these places for just that reason the what if's and not knowings have protected me thus far and kept me from losing my mind. The recent suddern loss of my cousin has opened a would again and perhaps this time around I can heal somemore. I can't believe after so much joy I am feeling so much pain again.
My darling, had I been there would it have made you more or less fearful? Would it have been harder on you or on me? I see your face again in the coffin when last I saw you and yes, it is real again. I am not mourning your loss again, I am mourning the fact you were alone, and I was alone. This was one of the only things we ever did apart from each other. We made decisions together, we raised our children together, we spoke on the phone and kept each other company and this we did not do together! It is not a choice either of us would have made and I am once again sad you are no longer a part of my life.
I look to you in times when I need comfort and I am not my best comforter and all others are imitators compared to what we had. I say so many things to cajole myself  such as I know your sudden death was good for you because of no lingering after effects, but my life is the lingering after effect. Life without you is so bland and unsure. I miss you so much and am so sorry at the way you died have I told you that? I really don't take any comfort in the suddeness of your death right now, I am still sad. Cajoling has ceased and I see through it now and it is what it is, I am blessed to have known you and sad you are no longer here. The pall is lifting and I am beginning to see it all again, is that the plan?
Again I move on, one day at a time without you, missing you so much. How can one possibly miss someone as much as I miss you.I know I am passed so many areas of healing, and I promise not to ride this wave too long, I just want to see what I blurred out of my mind and confront it head on. I am strong but weak right now. Pray for me darling to get through this mini misery. I will love you forever Steve, Don't forget me.

Bittersweet

Yesterday I received phone call from my son that they were headed to the hospital to await the arrival of their baby boy Steven Beau Travis. My daughter in law was having some preeclampsia issues and to be safe for everyone they went to the hospital and the doctor said that by lunch the next day we should have a baby. I was so excited and prayerful. I went home so excited knowing that today I will have another grandchild.

Mathu and I lined our ducks up early last evening, making sure I could see the baby via Skype on our phones as soon as I possibly could, since I was unable to be there in person. Yes we have an IPHONE but for some reason we could not Facetime and so glad to have found this out hours ahead of time. I went to bed around 10:30 fell asleep shortly before Mathu called at 11:30 to inform me they were about to start an epidural. This pumped me up for about an hour and then I fell back to sleep until around 1:02a.m. when Mathu called back to say the baby’s heartbeat was slowing and they felt an C-section would be best.

This is when I lost it. Who can sleep when you are nervous, anxious and angry all at the same time? Where are you Steve when I need to bury my head in your chest and scream? Where are you when I need my best buddy to pray with me and share this moment of trepidation and anxious waiting? I miss waiting with you, I miss being excited with you and I miss being worried with you and I miss consoling you and you consoling me both of us saying that it will be alright. I know God is in charge but I want to hear it from you and I want to say it to you. I need my "crisis go to" husband with the broad shoulders and arms to hold me with right now.  I miss you and need you during these family times. YOUR ARE SUPPOSED TO BE HERE I am not supposed to be enjoying these moments alone, without you. You should be apart of these times in my life because you helped them come about.

Okay, I will take a breath now, exhale. I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me. Mantra, but where is the love man? Where are the strong physical arms to hold me through this and to dry my nervous tears? Where is the smile from the man who helped create this baby boy who is about to be a father to our third grandchild? Where is the mutual pride patrol committee and support group? I have already had a grandson without you, my head knows this and though it was difficult, not like this is difficult. I am so far away from them and unable to be with them because I have to have a job right now. I can no longer drop everything and run when our children need us or want us to be with them during an important day in their lives. I am once again adjusting to this new life I find myself in and this is so foreign and uncomfortable for me right now. I hurt. I am aching and my heart is bursting right now because I am unable to do what I have done for so many years. I feel like I am in a straight jacket and the struggle is exhausting me right now.

I am pacing, in my bed, in my head wanting to run the many miles to the bedside of my children trying to grab hold of the hand of the man who was by my side helping me be strong all those many years. I need your hand Steve, it made me so strong and I miss it so badly right now. God please forgive me for not being satisfied with your presence and your promises to always be here for me. I know you are here but I want to feel your hand in mine. I want to put my hands into yours much as Thomas did so many years ago. I believe but I also want to feel, I am addicted to physical touch for my consolation and strength. Do you understand? Of course you do, so why do I feel so alone and pathetic right now? I feel like such a liar. Just this afternoon I was ministering to a friend about being strong taking pride in my strength in you through all this mess and here I crumble at the slightest hint of trouble. Is this a test? Probably, and I am failing miserably again. I need to breathe. It is so hard to breath.

Just when I think I turn a corner, a wall comes up to hit me. And then a familiar messaging sound from my phone causes me to jump. Mathu sends me a picture of our Beau so beautiful and pink and I break down crying hysterical, alone in the middle of the night. Just like old times of nearly 2 years ago without the mourning just relief. Well maybe there was some mourning left in me. I know you are fine, I am not right now but once again I say I will be as I am reaching out for your hand once again Steve. It is just like God’s hand now outstretched towards me, and only seen with my mind. I miss the warmth of your touch and the physical manifestation of God’s love you so wonderfully displayed to me. Does this ever get any easier? REALLY? Am I so weak as to crumble and stumble so easily? I am disappointed and tired and filled with the joy of a new grandbaby named Steven Beau and must focus on that. Steve I miss you and am sorry you couldn’t share this night with me. It is a bittersweet time again. ILYM darling.

The Circle of Life

Well I will say I am doing well and then something jumps up and slaps you in the face and makes you reevaluate how far you have to go for full healing. Just this past week a person I am mildly acquainted with who has a pretty good income was having issues concerning his heart. He fought with the idea of having treatment and was so cavalier about taking care of himself as if it were a mere ant bite. When I first heard this, it took everything in my power not to scream at him and slap him in the face and shake him silly. If you have the access to healthcare, why not use it? My husband didn’t have such a luxury and because of his preexisting condition was denied it so we paid out of pocket. This also meant no premium health care for him at the end and sometimes I think this maybe could have helped give him a few more years. Yes I know what I believe, God has a time for all of us, but we also have other things at our disposal to help us.

Okay I didn’t say any of that to this man, and I will let him live his life  because it is his decision not mine to make but I was shocked at my reaction to his behavior. It caused me to cry and get in a gnarly mood as anger crept in silently and I had nowhere to run and had to confront it. I am angry with Steve for not doing all he could humanly do to keep from having another heart attack and not for allowing me to help. I am mad at him for committing legal suicide. Okay so that is a dramatic statement to make, but I have felt that and still do a little bit despite my inner knowing that God is in control. It is my attempt at taking back the reigns one more time and saying with eyes closed, one eye peeking and shrugging my shoulders saying to God “Right?” Wow anger bubbled up again where it had been so flooded with joy. The fountain which flows is one of fire and water and I feel both at the same time.

I know God is in control and things happen in right time and right season, but I always ask what is our part in keeping our temple clean. How does God look at it? I get confused sometimes because I know God is good, I know all things happen for the good of those who love and serve the Lord. But how does illness, play a part in our faith and beliefs. In my lay person terminology if a diabetic is great Christian, loves everyone, does everything in her church and lives a beautiful faith filled life, but continues to gorge on candy and soda pop, is she being obedient or considered rebellious or does it fall under gluttony? Okay so I have no answers, and I am really not trying to judge anyone and not pointing this particular scenario to any one person, since my husband had heart issues and diabetes so it is safe for me to speculate and play what ifs. I have high cholesterol, should I be eating any fried foods ever? May I indulge once a week/month or year? Which makes me most obedient to God’s plans for my life?

I have to do some more soul searching on this issue so these small matters don’t trigger any more stupid anger or tears.  I never want to judge a person and that is basically what I did and for that I am ashamed, but more than that, I am driven to find out the answer for my trigger. I have an idea and it is good to feel it to deal with it again I guess.  It is fascinating this stupid healing layering system little bit at a time. I get so frustrated because I want to be more in control and this where my conflict really lies. I want to be such a big girl about all of this.

So here goes, Steve I forgive you for any stupid decisions that you made which may have contributed to your health issues. I forgive you for not involving me in those health decisions that affected our relationship. We were married, we two became one and you took matters of us into your hands only. I am angry about that and I forgive you. Forgive me for contributing to stress in your life which may have led you to those poor decisions about our lives. Forgive me for not seeing that you maybe weren’t feeling well and I forgive you for hiding that from me. Oh God, you know our hearts, and you know the things hidden there. Let me release all this and forgive the man I loved for 30 years for abandoning me. Whether selfish or selfless, I was mad about him hiding his health issues from me, and for leaving me here without him. I need release and I need to forgive.

And as I type this tonight I get a text from my daughter in law that little Steven Beau has sent her to the hospital with contractions 2 weeks early. Do you think we might have a baby tonight? I don’t know but it is just like Steve to push an issue involving healing with something so beautiful and precious. And yes I know God is the one pushing so is that an attribute of God? Pushing? Yes I think so. Sigh, I still have a lot of growing up to do don’t I?

Mick

We went to Ireland in 2009, Steve and I. It was perhaps the biggest and best time we had other than our time on Guam while we were dating. There is something to be said about visiting other places different than the usual places we live in daily. Our visit to Ireland, was a sacred vacation because it was my dream destination and Steve made it his too. He gave me a small pewter box shaped like a heart, and told me to write down places I would like to visit then place them in that box. It was our treasure box. I put Ireland.

At the time there was no other place I wanted to go since I knew nothing about my grandma’s home nor her family. I had always been curious about the country she hailed from, but she was very close lipped about her childhood, and the beautiful land I had only seen in pictures in books and television. My heart yearned for it and I knew I had to go there one day. We took the opportunity to visit to celebrate our not yet 30^th anniversary, and combined it with a surprise visit to crash an Irish wedding. My mother and father had been there once before and had been invited to a wedding of a cousin’s child. I was able to contact a cousin I had previously been a pen pal with to formulate a sneak attack and acquire lodging with “family” for a couple of nights while we attended the wedding and surprised my parents.

We met had met Mick at the wedding reception, he and his lovely wife Mary. We had the hardest time understanding Mick all night long and when he gave us direction to his house his accent so thick and mumbled. Steve and I looked at each other and I laughed at the way Steve so politely pretended to understand him and spent the evening attempting to understand. Mick gave us directions at least twice and, well all I understood was ask at the store. What store, ask for directions at the store, how odd. We drove to town and asked if they knew of Mick and Mary and proceeded to give us the directions as Mick had said they would. We were told to look for the statue of the Virgin Mary, that it was the only house on the street with one out front.

We found it, just as the store keeper had said, and Mick met us outside. He had a smile on his face and a glint in his eye and looked like a kid with a secret as he motioned to us to come see his Mary waiting for us. We didn’t quite get what was going on until we realized he was trying so hard to be quiet as he led us into a room where Mary slept in a chair looking out the window for us. He asked us to snap a picture of her sleeping, which we gladly did for the cute little man who seemed so excited to see us. The flash from the camera woke Mary and the smile that came over Mick’s face as she fussed at him was priceless. I will never forget that sheepish grin and the love that passed between the two of them as they fussed at with each other over her embarrassment at being caught asleep. Mary and her use of thee and ye archaic words to me found only in King James Bible and Shakespeare fascinated me. I loved that.

Mick and Steve attempted to talk and I caught most of it and translated for Steve, but the Guinness was what helped them communicate the best.   I watched this beautiful couple, love us from the moment we stepped out of the car. Their hospitality was probably the highlight of our trip well that and our discussion about God and Steve’s angelic encounter he had. That night we made heart friends and I fell in love with these relatives from across the sea like I had known them all my life. I felt so at home here and enjoyed their company and warm hospitality poor Mary apologizing the night away about the condition of her lovely home and the pitiful food she offered us. It was a feast for us to be there at all enjoying the company of family. I had to tell her not to offer us any more food or tea we really were okay and despite our size, we didn’t eat all day.

Steve was the first to leave us in 2010, then in 2011 mom’s cousin whose wedding we crashed passed away and this year, last night, it was Mick. I know there is a joyous homecoming somewhere, but right now I grieve with Mary as I grieved with Rita last year. I was so blessed to be able to have time with these strong Irish women and their precious husbands. Isn’t life strange? I know things always happen for a reason, still trying to figure this one out. Mary is a strong woman and I know she will be alright because her faith is so strong and her family bonds so tight. As I finish this blog, I see that twinkle in Steve and Mick’s eyes I saw in Ireland as they drank silently watching their women across the room visiting with each other. They understand each other perfectly now, and have gone before us just to say I told you so probably. My circle of widows is widening as I grow older. Is it because I am older or because of a calling on my life? This I am watching to see.

Happy Anniversary Darling

Hey sweetheart. I loved when you would call me that. I knew you meant it and I miss you saying that to me. This is our second anniversary apart and I have been doing so well. Steve I know you would be so proud of me as you were always my biggest cheerleader. I want you to know I am strong about tomorrow although today I had a couple of rough moments as I thought back on that stupid day when you died. I say stupid, because although we were together 30 plus years I choose to go back to then that awful day. There are so many better days to think back on and I am choosing those for tomorrow and future anniversary dates.

You told me a few times, that you held me back from becoming the woman I should become. I remember arguing with you so often about that statement. That was such a lie, because it wasn’t my time yet. I had to have all the experiences under my belt so I could come out and flourish as I am meant to. You were part the best part of my training. You taught about unconditional love and you made me feel beautiful whenever your eyes fell on me from across the room. You taught me about faithfulness because you never glanced inappropriately at another woman in my presence or told me how beautiful she was. You always made a point of lifting me and reassuring me of my beauty and helped me recognize and feel secure about the beauty of God within me. Even when I had my surgery and I felt hideous, you adored me and loved me with your care and concern for my well being as you nursed me back to good emotional health about the wretched scar that I now embrace. When it feels swollen I am taken back to the time I was so loved by you that you sacrificed for me and stayed close to me and was even more concerned about my health than I was. I love you for this.

Through our many ups and downs you taught me about creative financing paying bills and shopping for groceries all wonderful life skills I use daily. I was pushed to be able to think outside the box to provide meals, make costumes, create games, and low budget fun filled birthday parties for our family. I learned how to repair holes in walls, paint the walls, fix flat tires and fix perfect pancakes because of your love for me and your desire to keep me from being helpless. You always told me I could do anything I put my mind to and you pretty much were right. I am learning this right now as your words of love and encouragement ring in my ears.

You helped me be strong and courageous through many trials in our lives. I stood through them all, next to you despite everything, we still stood together, until you were no longer there. Now I stand alone without you to support me, but I am strong enough now to stand alone. I can weather any storm now because I am deeply rooted and because of your support, standing tall and straight as an arrow. I know you prayed many prayers for me as I did for you and our love kept us strong and will keep me going into this new life I am in.

My darling, I could not let this day pass without some form of public recognition for all the great love you showed me and poured into me during our wonderful moment together. In God’s eyes it was only a moment but we will share eternity together some day. I cry as I type this, but my tears are no longer the copious tears of a weeping pathetic widow who can do nothing without her man. I stand strong and proud to have been your wife and my tears are because you told me so and I didn’t listen until now. I am the person you told me I was during those many years when I seemed to be losing my identity in the everyday life of wife and mother. You still saw the ambitious, adventurous woman you married and saw my potential long before I found it again.   

Thank you Lord for giving me the person I needed to bring me to where I am now as a woman of God. I never would have thought to do some of those things to get me to step up, but hey what do I know. I love you and am so grateful for the man you put into my life. He was my helpmate as much as I was ever his helpmate. We both brought different sets of baggage to the marriage, but eventually, we sorted through it all and at least he got rid of all of his and I am down to a makeup kit. You are awesome and truly aware of our every need and Lord if you ever see fit to bring another man into my life, what can I really do about it anyway. I will train him too wink, wink.

Steve I love you munga my sweetheart, I will never forget you. Thank you darling for all you did for my spirit, I only wish you were here so you could tell me so in person. I commemorate our 31st anniversary this night and want you to know you will never be forgotten, only cherished more each year as I am able to remember more of our conversations now that my mind is less tramatized.