Carrot cake and Bug Spray

 I was going to write a few pages to the beginning of my novel so my teacher can read it and correct it for me, but as I wrote it I started to shake again. Of course my life and the experience of Steve’s death sounds like an idea for a novel, but reliving the emotional pain I have tried so hard not to revisit for 17 months proved difficult. I even tried to reread some of my blogs and of course that also proved more painful than I wanted right now. I want to avoid feeling that pain again and have been running away from it. Do I need to confront it? I personally don’t think it needs to be revisited yet. I will have to develop another fantasy world for a novel; reality is too real right now. So I wrote it anyway just to have it on paper. I want it down on paper so I my kids will know some things about me. That task is checked off.

Work is going great and I think I am doing a good job. I have to say I am proud of all I have learned and am still so grateful to have a job. I am blessed. I went to the St. Patricks Parade with my family and my girlfriend came as well with her husband. As we were leaving the parade she had seen her brother there with his wife and a friend and she was speaking with them and I found myself flirting(Yes me go figure, it was still there somewhere buried) with the friend. Now I know it was the green Margaritas that probably got me to go there because I have been so guarded and protective but yes I opened that door and even swapped phone numbers. I find this hilarious because I had not done anything like that in well over 30 years and it just popped out. Truth is, when he said his name was anything other than Steve, I just went with it. How ridiculous is that.

My friend was shocked and awed as was I when I got back to the crawfish table. She only looked at me mouth wide open then said “Well? Do you wanna tell me something? What was that?” Pretty much all I could say was “Hey he isn’t a Steve.” I just played it off knowing it probably would not go anywhere. I had all but forgotten about it until while driving home from work the following Thursday I got a text from that strange number apologizing for not getting back with me. (Yes I texted him after the parade to ask if he was coming to the concert after since we had spoke about it during out mini meet and greet.) He said something about getting a new phone and learning how to use it. Whatever. We texted for awhile while I drove home another daring stupid thing I know.(I seem to be living for my bucket list events and trying to be edgy.)

He called me when I told him I was texting and driving since talking on the phone and driving is so much safer and we had an awkward conversation. I am so not used to this stuff but decided to roll with it anyway. What harm could it do? When I got home I sat in the driveway and talked for a few more minutes before hanging up to go get some much needed food. He told me if I was bored later to call. So I got bored later and texted. It was fun talking with a new friend we both are in the same boat, moving back to town moving in with family relearning the place we grew up in. He asked to take me for a drive in his convertible on Sunday and I said sure. It is the closest thing to a motorcycle, right? Those plans didn’t work out. We spent a day texting and talking and he asked me out for a Margarita after work which I accepted only if I could have some food to go with it. I have a bad tendency not to eat during the day and I knew that could be bad for me in oh so many ways.

The night came and I kid you not I wanted to back out. I felt so scared and stupid I imagine much like I will feel when I jump out of my airplane one day to sky dive. The thrill, and fear all jumbled together causing me to be an absolute mess. My friend didn’t talk me out of it but we did make an escape plan so I could go home early if I needed to and wouldn't appear rude. The plan was that I would text her a help msg when I took a bathroom break so she could call me back after I got back to the table and I would have to leave. I had seen it in a movie once and it worked there. I was serious. I was so nervous and it was obvious I think because he kept asking if I was scared. The dinner turned out nice and I didn’t have to text her. It was difficult to talk in the restaurant so we left and went to a little daiquiri bar near the store I needed to shop at afterwards so I killed two birds with one stone so to speak.

We had some nice conversation and I even had a cat wander up and jump in my lap. That was pretty random and interesting but he was a friendly cat probably owned the bar. It was fast closing in on my bedtime so  I asked him if he wanted to walk over and get the mosquito spray I needed for my canoe trip this weekend and he walked me over there. I think mostly to be chivalrous so I wouldn’t walk alone, but it was nice anyway to see that. While we were in the store he said he wanted to buy me something and said that I would love it. We go to the bakery isle and he proceeds to pick up this yummy looking carrot cake. He was so cute because he was so excited about this carrot cake and well no one has ever bought me a carrot cake before. I was laughing inside. He would not allow me to pay for my bug spray either, which was sweet but not what I wanted since this wasn’t a date or anything. I just let it go and thanked him and let that be ok. No one has ever bought me bug spray and carrot cake all in one night either. I know there is a country song  there in the making.

We parted ways, I was no longer the nervous wreck, still nervous but the wreck part was over. I jumped the shark and I am on my way to another wave of healing and living. I got the best advice from my daughter “take it very very slow, mom” I believe she is right, but I took another step (stumble) forward and here I go again. We are talking on the phone a lot and I was just pleased he wanted to talk to me again much less ask me to go somewhere with him this weekend since I seemed like such a bumbling idot to myself. I guess we can keep each other company. That pretty much is what I was going for, right? To get to know people and keep busy.

Gotta run, I have carrot cake calling to me and a canoe trip in the morning. Life is moving ahead again and once again I find myself seasonably connected to my healing process. Spring brings new life and as scary as that prospect is, I am pretty daring right now. I may get up in that airplane sooner than later. Life is short and my bucket list is too long. I have to start checking things off.

Emotional Hangover

I am alerting you the  readers ahead of time, this isn't pretty. I am hungover and I can't think straight right now but I am experimenting with my feelings which pretty much lie to me too much! You may proceed at your own risk or click over to Facebook or check you email. Good luck.

Well I am having a hangover of sorts this week; it actually started on Sunday evening and has continued throughout this week as I write this on Wednesday. I am just now beginning to be able to put my finger on why. I had dinner two nights in a row this past weekend with a male friend and by friend I mean friend. I confess I enjoyed the company, I enjoyed the attention and I enjoyed the discussions we had but I am having some regrets possibly guilt maybe shame and outright fear.  It is so frightening to me how nice it is to have so many things in common with someone else and how comfortable I am talking with him but my biggest fear would be hurting him or anyone else.  I don’t want this yet. I thought I did because my loneliness gets the best of me sometimes and thought I could handle it but I don’t think I am ready at all. I jumped too soon and perhaps that is why I feel so drained this week.

I opened up a lot about Steve this last weekend and I suppose this is why I am mourning again. I thought I was beyond this phase of missing him and the more I spoke about him and reminisced with my friends about him. Wow it still aches badly.  I need a few more months of healing I guess. This line I walk is so narrow and I see where I can really cause myself or someone else harm because I don’t know my pain threshold yet in this mourning process. I am recognizing my vulnerability and think more isolation is good for me. I don’t feel emotionally prepared to put my heart out there again not that I have started putting it out there yet mind you.  

It didn’t help that today, hump day that the wonderful news my newlywed children gave to me was bittersweet. It seems they will be having a boy in August and they will name him Steven Beau Travis. I am so thrilled for them and so pleased they chose to honor Steve’s memory by naming their first born son after him. I ache right now as I type. Bittersweet is the only word to describe the moment I heard his name. I received the news at work. It is hard to cry and answer the phones in a cheery voice on a day you can’t leave to compose yourself because the other girl called in sick today. Whew lots of sucking it up.  The best thing is workday was over early today and I was able to come home and walk it out of me for an hour before going to my nephew’s play tonight with my dad. I am alright now. God always knows what I need before I need it so why do I try to outrun His plans for me always. Mikey you did an awesome job and I so needed this fun night.

I will say, the class I am taking “How to write a Novel” may prove to be a more “novel” idea than I had originally thought. As I walk my walks and my mind generates creative scenarios, I believe I may have a novel in the making with hardly too much embellishment necessary.  Well first I want my life to be more interesting so I will have something juicy to write about. This little mundane stuff I blog about is just not interesting enough, it is just cathartic for me mostly. I want to fill all my quiet time with activities which do not involve getting too close to making a mistake. I have birthday parties, a canoe trip a St. Patrick’s parade and who knows what else I can fill my weekends with. I even plan to go camping with my kids on my birthday. It is good to keep the mind busy. I need to stop being so anxious to outrun God’s plan for my life since I know it is all His timing and I am the one trying to get my life to a “normal” status. While running in my hamster wheel, I have tripped again.  I am figuring out what my new normal is as I dust off my pants and rub my bruised hands together. Is normal out there somewhere?

Mrs. Magoo

So life is moving along nicely I believe. I have a great job and am getting my routine of it down, laundry on weekend’s errands too. Weekends are always busy for me but I like busy. I am taking a writing course on Tuesday nights which I am very excited about who knows I may write a book after all one day if for no other reason than to purge my computer of all these saved files.  Poor thing gets as many brain freezes as I do now. Can a computer have CRS too? I don’t know but I surely get it more often these days with my busy, exciting new beginning of my next life. My do over.

I went for a mammogram yesterday in an unfamiliar area of Metairie and my wonderful GPS got me to the location but I didn’t see the building and I thought she was lying to me again. She told me I had arrived at my destination on the right but I didn’t see it. I drove to the next street and I took the next corner and thinking I would drive around the block and sneak up on it again to perhaps see it this time  since I knew where to look for it now. I turned right then took another right but the big yellow sign said dead end so I turned into an entrance to what appeared to be a parking lot behind a strip mall. As I crept into the parking lot, I saw a building that said Diagnostic Imaging and I knew I was where I was supposed to be. I parked my car in the nearest spot, which was right outside of the place I needed to be. I felt like Mr. Magoo, because the Lord seems to push me in the right way all the time, even putting a dead end in my path to force me to take the turn I needed to. So yes in the eyes of God I am Mrs. Magoo.

I really was nearsighted, but had Lasik surgery to correct that vision problem but still have to rely on glasses for reading. Lasik couldn't help with my spiritual vision I am still nearsighted in spiritual matters and I need to rely on God so much more to direct all my steps in my life. I often look back and laugh because unlike Mr. Magoo, I recognize when I have been handled ever so lovingly and gently by my daddy and I feel so blessed and am consoled by knowing that I am covered all the time. Like a good neighbor, I am in good hands; He is my blessed assurance as long as I continue to look up.  I will never stray off His path, because He won’t let me right now. I want to stray sometimes, I confess that, but He loves me so much and wants to protect me, that it is impossible right now.

I tried to donate blood today, and was turned down because of the melanoma I had two years. I don’t know why I cried most of the way home. I was sad that I had neglected to donate for two years and I was just finding this out. I was shocked that the stupid little cancer thing I had discounted as minor and insignificant has become a barricade to something I love to do. And once again I have to tell Steve he was right and this makes me miss him so badly. Ironically I am having a fat lip day too so I suppose it just brought it all home again. Steve is gone, I don’t have a shoulder to cry on or at least the shoulder I want to cry on. When I say I don’t have a shoulder you know I mean physical shoulder because trust me I have cried it out to God, He knows it all and has heard it all from me.  I just want a man hug I guess and miss getting them from Steve.  I guess I will have to find some other way to donate something, time, money etc for the next three years. Is it a new direction the Lord is leading me in? I will have to just take it in stride, and try not to feel so rejected and set my nearsighted eyes on the path I think I am on.

So I am muddling about, head in the clouds, eyes up and down trying to focus on what needs to be focused on. I am adjusting well and thanking God for all of it. One day when I die, I will be satisfied but until then I thirst for holiness and hunger for God’s love and yearn to be led by my Good Shepherd. I am about my Father’s business (most days, wink, wink) and when I am not, I am on my knees.

Battle Stategy of a Court Jester

I have been working for four weeks now and missing my morning walks. Today I had a day off and took advantage of it by taking my walk.  It was an overcast looking like it will rain any moment morning but I still wore my sunglasses. I am a hopeful, prepared person always ready for the sun to shine on me. Yes I mean this metaphorically as well I always wait on the Son to shine His light and wisdom on me. Who cares what people think when they see me walking in the rain with sunglasses on.  I carried no umbrella if it rained it rained, the optimist in me says, healing rain is good too. So this is my attitude in life now. Its all good.

On the final stretch of my walk, I danced, and I flew for what seemed like an eternity but actually it was just a few seconds, who can really fly? Let me tell you how I achieved such an adrenalin rush and miraculous deed. Minding my own business, walking down the darkening street ahead of me as the clouds above threatened to pour rain on me, I stepped on what I thought was a ribbon or belt or  some other debris in the road. In that split second I realized I had stepped on a horrible dead snake and while my foot was still on it, that is when I did my squeal, EW! OMG!!  OMG!! flap my wings leap in the air several times attempting to fly away dance in the middle of the street. I think I did fly for at least a half a second, but my goodness it was breathtaking. Really I was gasping afterward. I was so grateful that this normally busy street was empty and I was the only one to witness this because I truly might be in a special ward at the hospital by now.

I remember one day late last year some ladies warned me as I was returning from a walk “Oh we don’t walk over there because of snakes” I remember walking on thinking to myself “Those snakes are more afraid of me, I will be ok, my angels will clear the path for me” Ha, I know those angels of mine were laughing right along with me this morning.  After I composed myself and I laughed out loud at my latest walking experience, I said “Lord, I am made to tread on snakes and scorpions, why did stepping on a dead snake freak me out so badly?” I am truly not as brave as I thought I was but then revelation began to bloom in my mind and I could see how strong I am now from where I had started so many years ago. I have practiced with stepping on spiders, and roaches. Why now I can even chase a roach down to kill it. I have touched reptiles at the zoo; I have even held a lizard or a frog. Snakes are too scary for me, with their fangs and sneakiness. I really wish I could squash one like Jim Caviezel did in the Passion of Christ. I confess I have only seen scorpions behind glass and would more than likely run from them too. I am still a fraidy cat and am glad God loves me just as I am.

So here I am thinking, Lord how can I be a soldier in your heavenly ranks if I can’t step on a dead snake? Then my battle strategy started to unfold before me. I will kill my enemies with kindness. I will make them bust a gut and DIE laughing. You see, even that has a place in the kingdom and the court jester has her purpose. I love it. I don’t know if I will ever be able to step on a live snake, or even be brave enough to chase one down and step on it, but I can rouse the troops by stomping on a dead snake over and over again. Well that is a lie, once will do because then I dance and fly. Life is so interesting sometimes.

My Big Fat Lip

Well I am now a working woman. I have completed my first week of paid employment and I have enjoyed the daily challenges of learning new things.  It is my new life and I am so happy to have a job and an opportunity to prove to myself that I am able to start over again. It just so happens on my way to work yesterday I had Steve with me. On January 17th it will be two years since I had minor surgery on my lip to remove a basal cell carcinoma.  I was so grateful for it because if it weren’t for that ugly thing on my lip I never would have known about the melanoma developing on a very innocent looking spot on my arm. Since my surgery there are days when my lip feels very fat and swollen and yesterday was one of them.

The procedure I had also caused Steve to overreact and treat me like I had some really bad form of cancer. I laughed at him and told him I would be fine and that it was not a big deal. He made such a fuss and was so concerned that I gave in and let it be alright that he had asked his work to keep his truck driving routes closer to home during the first six months of 2010. It meant less money but more home time for him which was always a good thing for us. Yesterday morning on my way to work I realized another reason to be grateful for this minor occasional discomfort. Now when my lip feels fat I can remember how good God was to bring Steve closer to home the last year I would ever see him. How special I am that God loves me enough to do that for me. I can’t imagine 2010 without all our extra home time together and family occasions. We often commented on how nice it was that he was home so much that year. Never realizing how precious those times really were and it would be his last spring with us.

So I won't complain again about my lip feeling fat or feeling self conscience about my ugly scar. I am so glad to have that reminder of God’s love for me and my family. Now it reminds me of Steve’s love for me, his concern and I feel good as I allow those great memories of that year to flood in. It was also interesting that as this new revelation set in on the way to work I was in stop and go traffic  after I exited the interstate and all the way until the road became a single lane I rode side by side with a large 18 wheeler. Now that is not a coincidence and it felt like Steve was with me. The only bad part was I cried most of the way to work but fortunately no one noticed when I got to the office. Thank God for waterproof mascara and a busy work environment.

It is amazing the hardships we go through never realizing there could be a reason and a bright side to every difficult experience we have. It took me two years to recognize another reason to not complain about a minor thing that I had called myself being so grateful to God for. My arms got tired of praising so I once again let them drop and started to complain. How quickly we forget how good God is. He has truly been a light unto my path. I am unsure of the movie that this scene was in (probably Indiana Jones or something like that) but there was an invisible path over a deep cavern and this man had to step out in faith and believe that the path was there in that one certain spot. It wasn’t until he stepped onto it that the pathway became visible. I look back on the past year and a half since Steve passed away and I never knew what the next step would be and truthfully have been just moving forward without thinking too hard in my fog of unknowing. Each time I took the step a stepping stone became visible and God has gone before me to illuminate it for me.

Actually I had felt deep inside of me that I really wasn’t going to have a job until after this New Year but I was unsure how much of that feeling was pessimism due to discouragement  or if it was God reassuring me within my spirit. I did my due diligence by walking forward; putting in applications seeking out jobs where I could and I left it at that and knew God had a job for me somewhere because He had taken me so far already that I knew He wouldn’t leave me stranded. I also knew from past experience about throwing me into difficult situations for testing too and I didn’t want another survival test, I wanted an easy assignment one I wouldn’t have to put a lot of effort into. I confess I was becoming a bit disheartened that I had not received any calls fearing I was un-hirable but God had different plans.  I felt like I was ready to move onto the next thing but didn’t have a next thing to move on to yet. He put a friend in her perfect position at work at His perfect time she asked me if I was still looking for a job. It is always about His timing isn’t it?  I am grateful for new hope this new year and seeing His path lit up before me. I only pray my eyes never grow dim again and my hands never fall by my side as I have once again uplifted them in praise. I must be careful not to complain because I notice that is when my arms start to fall.

Thank you God for my fat lip, for my new job and assuring me that I am strong enough to start all over again and I feel you have released me back into the world. My recovery time is now over and I pray I never let you down and that my feet never leave this path. I will try not to complain again.

Becoming Single Minded

I have written but just not blogged since the last “first in my life since Steve died” was over. My daughter graduated from college in December ending the year of firsts and opening a new door in my brain. I felt so close to Steve on the day of her graduation more so than at the other celebrations this year. Perhaps it was closing a door as well and it made me somewhat sad.  I suddenly felt as though I had nothing more to look forward to and the lovely family connectedness this past year of events blessed us with was over and this meant losing another piece of Steve. When we are all together it is like taking a shot of him because he is so much a part of us. I miss him more when the kids are around, but I feel him more when they are around too.

 The ice began to crack under my feet with each event of this past year and despite my best efforts to hold it back, the winter of my soul has succumbed to the rushing spring hidden so well just below the surface. You can’t hold back the seasons of life and now my spring has begun whether I’m ready or not and this means my new life without Steve must now begin. Mary’s graduation was now past, Christmas had passed as well and the New Year was fast approaching. I had started looking very hard for a job again, and even enrolled with a job assistance place and was informed about a program for displaced homemakers like myself. I really was not feeling as hopeful as I wanted to feel especially when people kept telling me how hard it is to get a job. But, hey, never fear, when you have a large family, something always comes up. On December 29 my newlyweds sent me a text informing me I would be a grandma again this year. Yes I said they texted me actually it was a picture of the stick saying pregnant and I started crying because of the goodness of God. God never lets me down and I now have something to look forward to.

 On New Year’s Eve we had our second annual mini high school lunch gathering at a local restaurant. Even one of our most beloved, might I say very young looking teachers came to catch up with us too adding to our delightful afternoon.  There were so many cameras clicking I swear people thought we were celebrities. (Of course we were in our own minds and to each other and that was all that mattered.)  I promise we look better now than we did in high school and it is not only because our eyesight may be failing a bit, but we now see each with vision only maturity and wisdom brings. We loved each other well that day embracing each other squealing in pure delight at seeing each other again. We had so much fun catching up and we didn’t want to leave each other but we had to because it was New Year's Eve and most of us had plans. It is interesting that the end of 2011 brought my past back but in a new and interesting way. As we left the building a dear friend asked me if I was still looking for a job, and I of course let her know about my efforts to find a job. She told me to come in on Monday for an interview for the dental office she works at. Divine appointments and divine connections once again and I knew the New Year would be a great new start to my new life. I left there feeling on top of the world, ready for 2012.

Before I left the house for this special luncheon, my niece crawled up into my lap and asked “Ney Ney, are you still married?” I was struck by the directness of her question because I had never thought she would think about such things as this. I was briefly at a loss for words about it because it is something never mentioned  just assumed and not something I think about on purpose. I told her no I wasn't, even though my heart was in conflict saying that wasn't a true statement. Then she proceeded to ask “Where is your wedding ring” and I informed her I had put it away in a very special place, because I never want to lose it. I have lost some weight and it keeps sliding off so to protect it and myself, I don’t wear it daily. I could see her little mind still working as she asked “Ney Ney, do you think you will get a boyfriend?” This just made me laugh. She is five years old processing my loss better than I am and thinking much quicker than I am about moving on.

Monday finally came and I was so pleased to meet with this very nice dentist who actually took the time to meet with me face to face and assess me in person. I bless him because I had filled out so many applications online and not one person called me back for an interview. The whole process had been cold and impersonal up to this point. I was sent home after the interview to fill out my application and as I was filling in the forms for income tax withholding, I stumbled upon boxes that didn’t suit me. They only had boxes for single, married or head of household and nothing for me and what I was. My mind was screaming that I was still married but now I am single not by choice of course. Where was the box for this? I was very annoyed to have to make another connection in my brain which leads me back to Steve’s death yet again. So let me get this straight in the whole scheme of reality I am single. This is my official status? So because I still feel married crawling out of the married box felt so unnatural. There isn’t a box on income tax forms that say widowed; they don’t really care about that. I am single  and to me that always meant looking for someone but I’m not looking so you see  I want to scream onto the tax forms that I am single but NOT BY CHOICE PEOPLE. Where is the box for that? Someone please make a box for me that I can handle. Perhaps single-ish would do for those of us in transition.

So yes, yet again I am still adjusting to my status; geez you would think after fifteen months I would realize by now that this is real. I was very much ready to start work on today but I had a few hoops to jump through and paperwork associated with the on the job training program I am enrolled in. I don’t believe those people at the workforce place realized how quickly God works. I hope to go to work on Monday now.  I don’t understand why God is allowing this week before perhaps just to make me more single minded.  I am filled with anticipation and uncertainty but very eager to get to work and be busy again. I know I needed this processing time to adjust to the ideas of not being readily available to my kids anymore, being single and tying up other loose ends. I will not question God on this and will go with His flow and take advantage of this down time. I feel like tossing my hat into the air shouting here I come world hope you’re read, (heck hope I am).

Backlash

Well now the busyness of my life is pretty much over. It has been 18 days since my son was married and life is still moving forward. Laugh as you might, the practice cry sessions (cry runs) worked pretty well because I didn’t shed as many tears as I could have. I laughed most of the weekend and the joy of having family around me for such a perfect celebration drowned out the sorrow part and allowed the memories of Steve to ease out of our mouths without the taint of sorrow to erase our joy. It was amazing watching our family celebrate together and not worry too much about measuring our words while sharing a memory as we have done this past year.  I didn’t fall to pieces and neither did our children and I feel we honored him by being strong and moving on with gladness in our hearts.

Seeing my children together, loving each other and enjoying each other’s company filled my heart so completely. It reassured me that despite everything we have gone through, we raised good and loving children and I am proud of them. They did a wonderful job being attentive to everyone while bringing joy to our guests with their karaoke antics. My siblings were also there supporting us in every way possible as were my mom and dad as always.  My complete family joy cup truly began to run over when my extended family of Ya ya’s arrived to dip their toes in our joyous day. I can only say it was a day of absolute joy for me and I thank God for such a wonderful family. These same people were around me on the worst day of my life and saw me naked and raw experiencing an emotion so foreign to most people that being my deep grief. It is hard to comfort someone in shell shock, but these people managed to close ranks to protect me and my kids. It was so nice to be able to go back to the way life should be run, with the joy of each day as a testimony to life.

Now I will hit the honest button again. I enjoyed the wedding too much, because I would say I had a serious backlash after so much joy. My prior year was geared to getting past all of these first events without Steve and that was the last first of this year so I confess that on the evening before Thanksgiving, I fell to pieces. It was late in the evening when my mind kicked in, nothing more to look forward to, no more diversions to keep my mind busy and from thinking about my present reality. I gave in to a good cry, well it was a little more than a cry. I felt the absence of Steve much more this Thanksgiving and I think it is because I was still in shock last year perhaps. I felt and feel so lonely again, exposed to the holidays I guess because up until three days ago, I felt as though I have been in quicksand. I realize my brain has been working in overdrive as I have struggled to avoid thinking about missing Steve too much. I pushed those feelings away to cope as I missed him at the wedding where I sat alone, without him to turn to or cry with about the beauty of the ceremony. I missed our dance, and him taking care of me. I suppose more reality set in again and it was much more than I had hoped for. You see I have mourned the big stuff I guess it is time for some more little stuff.

I was so disappointed with myself for giving in to this rogue wave of grief. I was blessed that a couple of friends were still up to pull me through a tough night. Nights are the worst still but I don’t usually dwell there, I go to sleep or like tonight I watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I love this show and as I watched it tonight I realize, holidays will come, regardless of how I feel, it is up to me to dig for the joy within so I will not dwell on what I am missing, but what I will receive. It is a time for gift giving and receiving and I have received the best gift ever, a Savior, who felt the pain of death for me. The only gift I have to give to Him is to appreciate my life and everything in it. That includes the fact that I have experienced the pain of grief so I can be a comfort to others one day perhaps. Who am I to dwell in the dark places when the light of the world is at hand? I have once again made a choice to be joyful, when I truly don’t feel it but I know the feelings will catch up with the facts. I have a great life and I still have Steve even though I can’t see him, he is still a part of my life I just can’t see him. I just have to keep reminding myself life goes on and so must I and that is the hard part when it is so easy to sit down and feel sorry for myself.

So there it is, the yuck of my emotional garbage for another day. Filter through it and see that although I may moan and complain, neither gets me anywhere might I add, I am still moving forward and working it out one day at a time. I was so paralyzed by the negative that I couldn’t blog. I could not physically lift my fingers to blog about how miserable I was because I was too miserable to do anything and this is the first sighting of land since I was tsunamied by that rogue wave and set adrift. I do know this, that no matter how long I float, someone will spot me or land will be nearby and I will paddle like crazy to find people again. Isolation is the devil’s playground sometimes and it is not very good for me at all. Yes I had those thoughts again, and yes I danced with them but in the end, I left sane and sober. I bind my mind to my new spouse and He will always rescue me. Whew. So Merry Christmas everyone, bring it on. I will be so merry you may think I hit the eggnog too hard.