Battle Stategy of a Court Jester

I have been working for four weeks now and missing my morning walks. Today I had a day off and took advantage of it by taking my walk.  It was an overcast looking like it will rain any moment morning but I still wore my sunglasses. I am a hopeful, prepared person always ready for the sun to shine on me. Yes I mean this metaphorically as well I always wait on the Son to shine His light and wisdom on me. Who cares what people think when they see me walking in the rain with sunglasses on.  I carried no umbrella if it rained it rained, the optimist in me says, healing rain is good too. So this is my attitude in life now. Its all good.

On the final stretch of my walk, I danced, and I flew for what seemed like an eternity but actually it was just a few seconds, who can really fly? Let me tell you how I achieved such an adrenalin rush and miraculous deed. Minding my own business, walking down the darkening street ahead of me as the clouds above threatened to pour rain on me, I stepped on what I thought was a ribbon or belt or  some other debris in the road. In that split second I realized I had stepped on a horrible dead snake and while my foot was still on it, that is when I did my squeal, EW! OMG!!  OMG!! flap my wings leap in the air several times attempting to fly away dance in the middle of the street. I think I did fly for at least a half a second, but my goodness it was breathtaking. Really I was gasping afterward. I was so grateful that this normally busy street was empty and I was the only one to witness this because I truly might be in a special ward at the hospital by now.

I remember one day late last year some ladies warned me as I was returning from a walk “Oh we don’t walk over there because of snakes” I remember walking on thinking to myself “Those snakes are more afraid of me, I will be ok, my angels will clear the path for me” Ha, I know those angels of mine were laughing right along with me this morning.  After I composed myself and I laughed out loud at my latest walking experience, I said “Lord, I am made to tread on snakes and scorpions, why did stepping on a dead snake freak me out so badly?” I am truly not as brave as I thought I was but then revelation began to bloom in my mind and I could see how strong I am now from where I had started so many years ago. I have practiced with stepping on spiders, and roaches. Why now I can even chase a roach down to kill it. I have touched reptiles at the zoo; I have even held a lizard or a frog. Snakes are too scary for me, with their fangs and sneakiness. I really wish I could squash one like Jim Caviezel did in the Passion of Christ. I confess I have only seen scorpions behind glass and would more than likely run from them too. I am still a fraidy cat and am glad God loves me just as I am.

So here I am thinking, Lord how can I be a soldier in your heavenly ranks if I can’t step on a dead snake? Then my battle strategy started to unfold before me. I will kill my enemies with kindness. I will make them bust a gut and DIE laughing. You see, even that has a place in the kingdom and the court jester has her purpose. I love it. I don’t know if I will ever be able to step on a live snake, or even be brave enough to chase one down and step on it, but I can rouse the troops by stomping on a dead snake over and over again. Well that is a lie, once will do because then I dance and fly. Life is so interesting sometimes.

My Big Fat Lip

Well I am now a working woman. I have completed my first week of paid employment and I have enjoyed the daily challenges of learning new things.  It is my new life and I am so happy to have a job and an opportunity to prove to myself that I am able to start over again. It just so happens on my way to work yesterday I had Steve with me. On January 17th it will be two years since I had minor surgery on my lip to remove a basal cell carcinoma.  I was so grateful for it because if it weren’t for that ugly thing on my lip I never would have known about the melanoma developing on a very innocent looking spot on my arm. Since my surgery there are days when my lip feels very fat and swollen and yesterday was one of them.

The procedure I had also caused Steve to overreact and treat me like I had some really bad form of cancer. I laughed at him and told him I would be fine and that it was not a big deal. He made such a fuss and was so concerned that I gave in and let it be alright that he had asked his work to keep his truck driving routes closer to home during the first six months of 2010. It meant less money but more home time for him which was always a good thing for us. Yesterday morning on my way to work I realized another reason to be grateful for this minor occasional discomfort. Now when my lip feels fat I can remember how good God was to bring Steve closer to home the last year I would ever see him. How special I am that God loves me enough to do that for me. I can’t imagine 2010 without all our extra home time together and family occasions. We often commented on how nice it was that he was home so much that year. Never realizing how precious those times really were and it would be his last spring with us.

So I won't complain again about my lip feeling fat or feeling self conscience about my ugly scar. I am so glad to have that reminder of God’s love for me and my family. Now it reminds me of Steve’s love for me, his concern and I feel good as I allow those great memories of that year to flood in. It was also interesting that as this new revelation set in on the way to work I was in stop and go traffic  after I exited the interstate and all the way until the road became a single lane I rode side by side with a large 18 wheeler. Now that is not a coincidence and it felt like Steve was with me. The only bad part was I cried most of the way to work but fortunately no one noticed when I got to the office. Thank God for waterproof mascara and a busy work environment.

It is amazing the hardships we go through never realizing there could be a reason and a bright side to every difficult experience we have. It took me two years to recognize another reason to not complain about a minor thing that I had called myself being so grateful to God for. My arms got tired of praising so I once again let them drop and started to complain. How quickly we forget how good God is. He has truly been a light unto my path. I am unsure of the movie that this scene was in (probably Indiana Jones or something like that) but there was an invisible path over a deep cavern and this man had to step out in faith and believe that the path was there in that one certain spot. It wasn’t until he stepped onto it that the pathway became visible. I look back on the past year and a half since Steve passed away and I never knew what the next step would be and truthfully have been just moving forward without thinking too hard in my fog of unknowing. Each time I took the step a stepping stone became visible and God has gone before me to illuminate it for me.

Actually I had felt deep inside of me that I really wasn’t going to have a job until after this New Year but I was unsure how much of that feeling was pessimism due to discouragement  or if it was God reassuring me within my spirit. I did my due diligence by walking forward; putting in applications seeking out jobs where I could and I left it at that and knew God had a job for me somewhere because He had taken me so far already that I knew He wouldn’t leave me stranded. I also knew from past experience about throwing me into difficult situations for testing too and I didn’t want another survival test, I wanted an easy assignment one I wouldn’t have to put a lot of effort into. I confess I was becoming a bit disheartened that I had not received any calls fearing I was un-hirable but God had different plans.  I felt like I was ready to move onto the next thing but didn’t have a next thing to move on to yet. He put a friend in her perfect position at work at His perfect time she asked me if I was still looking for a job. It is always about His timing isn’t it?  I am grateful for new hope this new year and seeing His path lit up before me. I only pray my eyes never grow dim again and my hands never fall by my side as I have once again uplifted them in praise. I must be careful not to complain because I notice that is when my arms start to fall.

Thank you God for my fat lip, for my new job and assuring me that I am strong enough to start all over again and I feel you have released me back into the world. My recovery time is now over and I pray I never let you down and that my feet never leave this path. I will try not to complain again.

Becoming Single Minded

I have written but just not blogged since the last “first in my life since Steve died” was over. My daughter graduated from college in December ending the year of firsts and opening a new door in my brain. I felt so close to Steve on the day of her graduation more so than at the other celebrations this year. Perhaps it was closing a door as well and it made me somewhat sad.  I suddenly felt as though I had nothing more to look forward to and the lovely family connectedness this past year of events blessed us with was over and this meant losing another piece of Steve. When we are all together it is like taking a shot of him because he is so much a part of us. I miss him more when the kids are around, but I feel him more when they are around too.

 The ice began to crack under my feet with each event of this past year and despite my best efforts to hold it back, the winter of my soul has succumbed to the rushing spring hidden so well just below the surface. You can’t hold back the seasons of life and now my spring has begun whether I’m ready or not and this means my new life without Steve must now begin. Mary’s graduation was now past, Christmas had passed as well and the New Year was fast approaching. I had started looking very hard for a job again, and even enrolled with a job assistance place and was informed about a program for displaced homemakers like myself. I really was not feeling as hopeful as I wanted to feel especially when people kept telling me how hard it is to get a job. But, hey, never fear, when you have a large family, something always comes up. On December 29 my newlyweds sent me a text informing me I would be a grandma again this year. Yes I said they texted me actually it was a picture of the stick saying pregnant and I started crying because of the goodness of God. God never lets me down and I now have something to look forward to.

 On New Year’s Eve we had our second annual mini high school lunch gathering at a local restaurant. Even one of our most beloved, might I say very young looking teachers came to catch up with us too adding to our delightful afternoon.  There were so many cameras clicking I swear people thought we were celebrities. (Of course we were in our own minds and to each other and that was all that mattered.)  I promise we look better now than we did in high school and it is not only because our eyesight may be failing a bit, but we now see each with vision only maturity and wisdom brings. We loved each other well that day embracing each other squealing in pure delight at seeing each other again. We had so much fun catching up and we didn’t want to leave each other but we had to because it was New Year's Eve and most of us had plans. It is interesting that the end of 2011 brought my past back but in a new and interesting way. As we left the building a dear friend asked me if I was still looking for a job, and I of course let her know about my efforts to find a job. She told me to come in on Monday for an interview for the dental office she works at. Divine appointments and divine connections once again and I knew the New Year would be a great new start to my new life. I left there feeling on top of the world, ready for 2012.

Before I left the house for this special luncheon, my niece crawled up into my lap and asked “Ney Ney, are you still married?” I was struck by the directness of her question because I had never thought she would think about such things as this. I was briefly at a loss for words about it because it is something never mentioned  just assumed and not something I think about on purpose. I told her no I wasn't, even though my heart was in conflict saying that wasn't a true statement. Then she proceeded to ask “Where is your wedding ring” and I informed her I had put it away in a very special place, because I never want to lose it. I have lost some weight and it keeps sliding off so to protect it and myself, I don’t wear it daily. I could see her little mind still working as she asked “Ney Ney, do you think you will get a boyfriend?” This just made me laugh. She is five years old processing my loss better than I am and thinking much quicker than I am about moving on.

Monday finally came and I was so pleased to meet with this very nice dentist who actually took the time to meet with me face to face and assess me in person. I bless him because I had filled out so many applications online and not one person called me back for an interview. The whole process had been cold and impersonal up to this point. I was sent home after the interview to fill out my application and as I was filling in the forms for income tax withholding, I stumbled upon boxes that didn’t suit me. They only had boxes for single, married or head of household and nothing for me and what I was. My mind was screaming that I was still married but now I am single not by choice of course. Where was the box for this? I was very annoyed to have to make another connection in my brain which leads me back to Steve’s death yet again. So let me get this straight in the whole scheme of reality I am single. This is my official status? So because I still feel married crawling out of the married box felt so unnatural. There isn’t a box on income tax forms that say widowed; they don’t really care about that. I am single  and to me that always meant looking for someone but I’m not looking so you see  I want to scream onto the tax forms that I am single but NOT BY CHOICE PEOPLE. Where is the box for that? Someone please make a box for me that I can handle. Perhaps single-ish would do for those of us in transition.

So yes, yet again I am still adjusting to my status; geez you would think after fifteen months I would realize by now that this is real. I was very much ready to start work on today but I had a few hoops to jump through and paperwork associated with the on the job training program I am enrolled in. I don’t believe those people at the workforce place realized how quickly God works. I hope to go to work on Monday now.  I don’t understand why God is allowing this week before perhaps just to make me more single minded.  I am filled with anticipation and uncertainty but very eager to get to work and be busy again. I know I needed this processing time to adjust to the ideas of not being readily available to my kids anymore, being single and tying up other loose ends. I will not question God on this and will go with His flow and take advantage of this down time. I feel like tossing my hat into the air shouting here I come world hope you’re read, (heck hope I am).

Backlash

Well now the busyness of my life is pretty much over. It has been 18 days since my son was married and life is still moving forward. Laugh as you might, the practice cry sessions (cry runs) worked pretty well because I didn’t shed as many tears as I could have. I laughed most of the weekend and the joy of having family around me for such a perfect celebration drowned out the sorrow part and allowed the memories of Steve to ease out of our mouths without the taint of sorrow to erase our joy. It was amazing watching our family celebrate together and not worry too much about measuring our words while sharing a memory as we have done this past year.  I didn’t fall to pieces and neither did our children and I feel we honored him by being strong and moving on with gladness in our hearts.

Seeing my children together, loving each other and enjoying each other’s company filled my heart so completely. It reassured me that despite everything we have gone through, we raised good and loving children and I am proud of them. They did a wonderful job being attentive to everyone while bringing joy to our guests with their karaoke antics. My siblings were also there supporting us in every way possible as were my mom and dad as always.  My complete family joy cup truly began to run over when my extended family of Ya ya’s arrived to dip their toes in our joyous day. I can only say it was a day of absolute joy for me and I thank God for such a wonderful family. These same people were around me on the worst day of my life and saw me naked and raw experiencing an emotion so foreign to most people that being my deep grief. It is hard to comfort someone in shell shock, but these people managed to close ranks to protect me and my kids. It was so nice to be able to go back to the way life should be run, with the joy of each day as a testimony to life.

Now I will hit the honest button again. I enjoyed the wedding too much, because I would say I had a serious backlash after so much joy. My prior year was geared to getting past all of these first events without Steve and that was the last first of this year so I confess that on the evening before Thanksgiving, I fell to pieces. It was late in the evening when my mind kicked in, nothing more to look forward to, no more diversions to keep my mind busy and from thinking about my present reality. I gave in to a good cry, well it was a little more than a cry. I felt the absence of Steve much more this Thanksgiving and I think it is because I was still in shock last year perhaps. I felt and feel so lonely again, exposed to the holidays I guess because up until three days ago, I felt as though I have been in quicksand. I realize my brain has been working in overdrive as I have struggled to avoid thinking about missing Steve too much. I pushed those feelings away to cope as I missed him at the wedding where I sat alone, without him to turn to or cry with about the beauty of the ceremony. I missed our dance, and him taking care of me. I suppose more reality set in again and it was much more than I had hoped for. You see I have mourned the big stuff I guess it is time for some more little stuff.

I was so disappointed with myself for giving in to this rogue wave of grief. I was blessed that a couple of friends were still up to pull me through a tough night. Nights are the worst still but I don’t usually dwell there, I go to sleep or like tonight I watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I love this show and as I watched it tonight I realize, holidays will come, regardless of how I feel, it is up to me to dig for the joy within so I will not dwell on what I am missing, but what I will receive. It is a time for gift giving and receiving and I have received the best gift ever, a Savior, who felt the pain of death for me. The only gift I have to give to Him is to appreciate my life and everything in it. That includes the fact that I have experienced the pain of grief so I can be a comfort to others one day perhaps. Who am I to dwell in the dark places when the light of the world is at hand? I have once again made a choice to be joyful, when I truly don’t feel it but I know the feelings will catch up with the facts. I have a great life and I still have Steve even though I can’t see him, he is still a part of my life I just can’t see him. I just have to keep reminding myself life goes on and so must I and that is the hard part when it is so easy to sit down and feel sorry for myself.

So there it is, the yuck of my emotional garbage for another day. Filter through it and see that although I may moan and complain, neither gets me anywhere might I add, I am still moving forward and working it out one day at a time. I was so paralyzed by the negative that I couldn’t blog. I could not physically lift my fingers to blog about how miserable I was because I was too miserable to do anything and this is the first sighting of land since I was tsunamied by that rogue wave and set adrift. I do know this, that no matter how long I float, someone will spot me or land will be nearby and I will paddle like crazy to find people again. Isolation is the devil’s playground sometimes and it is not very good for me at all. Yes I had those thoughts again, and yes I danced with them but in the end, I left sane and sober. I bind my mind to my new spouse and He will always rescue me. Whew. So Merry Christmas everyone, bring it on. I will be so merry you may think I hit the eggnog too hard.

Steve? Really?

So I decided to join a singles group to start networking and getting to know other people in this town. Most people I know are couples and being the third wheel isn’t too fun and the truth is I just want to hang out with people and have things to do. I went to my first meeting last Tuesday night and had a nice time playing cards and interacting with total strangers. Deciding that they appeared to be a fun group I went for a second outing to karaoke the Thursday after. Of course I didn’t sing, but watched and got to meet a few more people from our group who were not at the meeting on Tuesday and found out I might be the baby of the group. To be honest I had told my mom when I left that I may be home sooner than later if it is only a group of boring old people. No one was more surprised than I was that I stayed and had a fun time.

Now I will share with you the most confusing and unexpected thing that happened to me. A man who wasn’t at Tuesday’s meeting started talking to me and guess what his name was? Yes it was Steve.  I was doing fine with the fact that his name was Steve until he asked me out to dinner and then all I could think of was that his name is Steve. I think I had an out of body experience while I  was l processing that because I saw myself tell this very nice man I wasn’t ready to date yet.  I guess I was in shock because I was totally freaking out that his name was Steve. The last man to invite me out to dinner was my Steve and figure the odds that the first man to ask me out when I wasn’t even going to this group as a hook up place was Steve.  What craziness and then I couldn’t focus anymore I had a brain freeze and I needed to leave. It felt like the walls were closing in on me. This was not what I signed up for, dating? No way, not yet but his name is Steve. Do you get how freaked I was and still am because all I can think about is Steve warning me or laughing at me? Of all the Joes, Tom’s and Alan’s out there I run into a Steve on my second outing I know God is laughing but I am just dazed and confused. I wonder if I was rude to this man during my moment of shock and made him feel uneasy, I sure hope not but I really couldn’t think.

So I shared this with my friends and most of them say I should go to dinner and my daughter pretty much said no way that I wasn't ready yet. I agree with her and hope I handle myself better if the situation comes up again. I must live in a bubble, what did I expect? Well I have hung out with married women, or widowed women who were safe for so long and never thought about being asked out again, ever. I just assumed the world knew this about me. So yes I guess it might happen again someday, and I will be more prepared and won’t be running around bumping into things in my haste to escape the uneasiness of the question I can’t even bring myself to type. You know that thing men ask women out on, dare I type the word Date? Well would it even be considered a date since all my friends say it was only dinner. Maybe it wasn’t even a date and I made the assumption yet again and it was a dinner meeting.  Who knows what it was it all happened too fast.

So here’s another reason I am not ready I think, I am scared to death at the prospect of going out with a stranger alone. I have been safe inside my marriage for so long I forgot how it was to be carefree and fun and not cautious and skeptical. I need some mace I guess since my big knife weighs down my purse too much. A gun is out of the question. There goes my crazy head again. I forgot all this stuff because I never thought I would need to access that part of my brain again. I was so comfortable in my world; I didn’t have to work so hard. Steve knew what I was going to say most of the time before I knew what I would say so now if I ever choose to date, I will have to go through all that getting to know you stuff again and I just don’t know if I can do it again. Yes I am afraid to go through all the teenage dating garbage again the rejection, the excitement, the let downs, and the fun. Fun brings me back to the reason I joined this group. I don’t mind sharing with other women so I guess I have to take the men on too if I want to have any fun.

Fun? This single life will be a lot harder than I expected if I keep thinking I am married. I forget most of the time that I am no longer married. It had been so comfortable and natural to be married all those years and not to have to think about the prospect of going out to dinner with a man who is not my husband. Sigh, I wasn’t looking for Steve either when he came along. I wanted to have fun then and travel the world but my clock was ticking and I fell for him and our life didn’t end up like we had planned. This time there is no clock, just the shock of it all that someone would ask me out. I can’t help but laugh at myself. I forgot where I was in my life. I am back at the beginning again a bit more frightened yet excited about what lies ahead thirty years later but still fun loving and curious. I will ride a Harley with someone before I die, bet you didn’t know that was on my bucket list. The ride may be fun who knows but first I have to find someone with a Harley willing to let me take a ride. I just have to get out of the routine of my old life and get out there and enjoy what life I have left. Who knows I may even go skydiving one day. (Tandem diving kids, don’t worry I am not that crazy yet.) Life might be interesting after all wink, wink.

Reclaiming the Day

My week with Hannah is over and I had so much fun but admit that I’m pretty tired. She kept me busy and exhausted the whole week but this was God’s divine plan I guess. I saw the storm of the week coming months ahead of time, I prepared the best I could and I rode it out as perfectly as God could have planned for me. I didn’t have time to think, react or even be melancholy. It is now the day after and my life is a vacuum now and only now do I have time to think and it is settling in. I did nothing to commemorate the death of my husband, Steve and I wonder should I have done something? I don’t know how this widow stuff works. Should I have spent some time at a church or with family and friends having a drink at least?

 I went to the zoo with Hannah, my parents and my sister and my niece Julia and enjoyed the day much more than I should have. Is that bad? It was a wonderful day of mourning and I know if Steve were here he would have loved the way I spent the day. Watching those two toddlers squealing madly while running as fast as their little legs could carry them into a resting flock of birds naturally causing them to take flight made me laugh on this day of tears. I would much rather laugh than cry wouldn’t you? It was a good memory made on that dreaded day and I would say I repurposed that anniversary day as a fun zoo day with the girls. Maybe I will plan something fun on that day from here on out to make it a day to look forward to instead of looking backwards. I will reclaim the day while celebrating love of family.

 I will say that the first thought I had that morning when I woke up was how oblivious I was a year ago about how my life was about to change so drastically. We have no clue do we what each day will bring? I still had Steve at the time I arose that October morning a year ago but quickly became concerned because he didn’t answer my phone calls. I had started to get worried but knew I was probably overreacting as I often did. I explained it away telling myself he was probably extremely tired and couldn’t hear his phone. Why not it had happened so often before but this morning I was more concerned. I was going to give him a couple more hours then I planned to call his dispatcher just to put my mind to ease. Then Hannah woke up and I quit thinking about it.  I had flashbacks a several times throughout my day, mostly whenever I looked at a clock. I saw the sheriff officers faces again as they told me about Steve, I saw my friends at my house, and my family coming home, but there is still so many lost moments of that day that I can’t recall. Why did I want to remember so badly? At the end of the day I spent some time in my bed reflecting, trying to push away thoughts of where I was a year ago in bed with my daughter crying ourselves to sleep.

I heard from all my children that day also and because we were at the zoo when everyone called, I had no time to really go to the sad place because I was chasing Hannah around. Talk about a well thought out plan to keep my mind busy. It really was pretty nearly a perfect day.  I am amazed at the strength of my children through all of this. Their love has really been a blessing and a testament to the love Steve and I shared. They are so caring and have been so patient and helpful to me and strong for me when I felt weak. I say my children I want you to know that this includes my daughters in law including my very soon to be one also. Life really does go on and we must go on too. This is why I know Steve would have loved how the anniversary day was spent. Where there is sorrow, joy is the medicine and I had my joy. Hannah was the joy in both of our lives and he enjoyed watching me love on Hannah. Sometimes while I was holding her I would catch him watching us across the room and he would mouth I love you to me as he took in the joy on our faces as we loved on each other. It was as if he knew she would be the balm for my soul one day. His face often showed mixed emotions of pain and joy and I noticed it most when I held her. I thought it was because we didn’t get to see her as much as we wanted to due to the distance from our home but as hindsight gnaws at me I wonder, did he see further than I did?

When I saw him in the casket, I saw a smirk on his face like he knew something I didn’t. He was so peaceful then and I wondered how he could be so peaceful when I was such a mess. I was so mad at him but thank God I am at peace now I think. It has been a year and I survived, and then some and am starting a new life. I will live it as full as before because I know Steve always only wanted the best for me and hated when he did anything to cause me pain. He was the most generous person I knew and am so glad I had 29 years with him. I can’t wait to see him again and tell him all the things I have done since last we saw each other. He will be so proud of our family. My darling, I cry a little but it is only because I miss you and can’t wait to see you again. It hardly hurts at all anymore we are doing well this year after. I never would have believed I could feel good again, but I do. ILYM my darling!

Has it been a year already?

I started blogging last year wondering had it been three weeks already since my husband died and here I am a year later still wondering where the time goes when you are not looking. Has it been a year already? I am amazed at the ground I have covered and that the busyness of my life has kept “that day” and “that month” at bay. I am forced to face tomorrow morning when I wake up though. Tomorrow will be one year later from the worst day of my life. It can also be said that one year ago a new way of life was forced upon me. However you say it tomorrow will come and go as surely as the time ebbs and flows and the running from “the day” is over.  My mind has adapted and I am a widow and have accepted that stupid word describing what I am right now. Even I know I am much more than that now but I remember how I hated that word last year. Last year that word was nailed to my heart and I was forced to take on this hideous moniker much like The Scarlet Letter except mine was black. I tried to hide, finally gave in and now I don’t give it a second thought usually.

I confess I haven’t looked forward to October at all. It was pretty much the end of the detachment phase that my mind had conveniently set for me. October would be a year after and I felt that was a pretty good time to be done with the big grieving and felt that I must let it all go. I fought this inner battle so hard and for so long because every thought of letting go meant abandoning Steve and our life together. I suppressed it and tried not to think of this month or that day nearly every day for a year so it pretty much got lost in my busy life but now it is here.

Have you ever had a dream where you are running from something and you just wear yourself out running all night? Most therapists would say to try to become aware that you are dreaming somewhere in the dream, stop running and turn around and face what is coming. So tonight I stand vigil and turn and face tomorrow and the memories which will shadow everything I do tomorrow. I am blessed because I am taking care of my beautiful granddaughter for this week and it is nearly impossible to be sad with her around. I took great comfort in having her around me last year as well during our one week of mourning together as a family.  Tomorrow I will feel the weight of this last year and as I say my goodbyes to my year of firsts, I know I won’t cry. Who can cry when God has been so good to me all year?

Unfortunately my darling grandson, Brennan, has had some health issues since his birth two months ago and I am watching my granddaughter Hannah for them while his mother takes him to some doctor’s appointments this week. I will say it took absolutely no arm twisting at all to get me to jump in to help. I know Ryan and Shannon are missing Hannah but I appreciate their sacrifice for giving her over to me for this week of all weeks. I know it was a hard decision for them to make but it worked together for the good of us all I hope and poor little Brennan’s will get well in the process.

I have been bathed in love by God through Hannah and my soul has leapt so much that it has nearly left my body on several occasions.  Hannah is a master at squealing with pure delight and it does my heart good when she does it just because she is excited to be with me. It is as if she is so overloaded with joy that it just bursts out in squeals and giggles.  No one has ever shown love to me like that ever. I love to watch her run and laugh in the back yard and explore every nook and cranny at the playground. I love listening to her sing and question everything constantly seeking knowledge. She is a pure bundle of joy. Heaven knows what tomorrow will bring when my parents and I take Hannah to the zoo, but it can only be wonderful. She has been a miraculous protection against the sadness tomorrow should bring to me but won’t because joy comes in the morning and her name is Hannah. I am so blessed.

So you see, I am sad, yet when I face tomorrow with my secret weapon of joy, it will diffuse any assaults of pity which will be lurking in the shadows. Hannah will squeal them away and the sound of our laughter will lighten all the dark areas of grief. You are not forgotten my love, you have just left us for a little while and we will all see you again soon. In the meantime I will continue to take comfort in our family and move forward in my life because it is best for me and I know it is what you want for me. It is a month of closing doors of our old life, darling. Last week I closed on our house and this week is the last first with the exception of a wedding next month.   I don’t remember much about my first fall without you last year, but I promise the memories of this fall will be good ones. October isn’t such a dreaded month anymore and I intend to enjoy this, my second fall, without you this year. I miss you, I love you, and am glad to be moving on. I will see you soon my love in God’s precious timing.