I got a bit of a jolt yesterday. I had cleaned out Steve’s side of the closet this week a task I had needed to do for some time. I laughed as I saw how much I had encroached into his fair share of the closet. It was a much smaller space now than when we first moved in here because most of Steve’s clothes were not on hangers anymore. They were in the truck with him or left in the drawers in his dresser. The clothes left hanging were only his dress clothes and some old ties. He didn’t have many dress clothes, but he had his tuxedo and a few other suits which no longer fit him along with some other shirts which no longer fit him. The ties were a holdover from his car selling days and he never wore ties anymore. He also had some old tennis shoes he never wore and steel toe boots which he always wore if working on a construction site. He had several pairs of dress shoes, which didn’t fit anymore because his feet were too wide. So all in all, I could have gotten rid of this stuff sooner, had he allowed me to. Steve didn’t like me to touch his things much less get rid of it. I believe he felt like I was trying to get rid of him. So even though my clothes ever so slightly (about a foot), spilled over into his side, I left his treasures alone, until now.
It wasn’t the purging of his clothing that hurt as much as opening the closet to hang my clothes from the dryer and seeing the empty side of the closet. At first I felt the need to squish my clothes back into my side and then I thought no that is ridiculous there was extra space now. So I hung up my clothes and hogged the entire closet which is what Steve always accused me of doing. This small act really pierced me though and shocked me back into my present reality. Cleaning the house has been sorting through the past and all the memories that go with that. Hanging my clothes on the now empty side which was Steve’s for so many years, really slapped me in the face because it revealed my present and my future.
I had to take a break and deal with this issue. I felt like I was stepping on Steve’s grave and that small act of hogging felt like defiance. Was it breaking off some denial maybe? Steve had been on the road over the last 6 years and though he was gone a lot, the closet always held his place in our home as does his toothbrush. Now reality is swallowing up his side of the closet. Reality is, I am not a closet hog it is that he is not here, and he won’t ever be here again and he doesn’t need the closet space. Wow, it is real. Fighting over closet space all those years seems so stupid. The void in my closet is my new reality and I will tell you I hate it. I hate it, I hate it, I hate it! How is that for anger? I don’t like to say the word hate, but it fits quiet well here. I HATE IT, I HATE IT, I HATE THIS! That was me screaming it. This is not a good reality for me right now and I guess just another stupid step in this grieving process. His toothbrush is coming with me, and there is nothing you can do about that.
That which doesn’t kill me makes me stronger, I know. If I were to be a super hero right now I am Wonder Woman. I wonder a lot about my future, I wonder what I will do without the love of my life here beside me to watch our grandchildren grow up. I wonder about loneliness and growing old alone. I am Wonder Woman and my superpower is wondering. I am sure you have a path set for me; you just want me to “wonder” in my desert and allow me to eat the manna you provide for now. Okay, Lord I will do it; by the hardest I will do it. I am just wondering how this will work. You are wonderful and marvelous and I know you want my best and you have good things for me. You are a wonder, and I am not. I am just curious. I will wait on you. I trust you know what is best.
Sorry about the outburst today, Lord, I know you hate this for me too. But I suppose you don’t use terms like hate, you seriously dislike this, or commiserate with me. I really don’t like my life right now. I felt you hug me when I felt like I was losing it. I am glad to still be under your mantle because your love surrounds me and diffuses these horrible feelings. I submit and release my anger and allow you to love me through this.
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