Steve got lonely out there, away from us all the time. He also heard so many stories about trucker’s wives and what they did while hubby was away. Steve and I trusted each other completely but I am sure that had to bother him somewhat. He was from a divorced family so he expected me to leave him. Many times he tried to push me away while were having problems in our marriage because that was what he knew to be the solution. You do know no marriage is perfect, ours wasn’t, but we made it through because of our commitment, our covenant with each other and God. God was the third party and I entered into this union with both of them. Before Steve realized I would never leave him, he could never understand why I never left. I believe he tried his best to push me away, because he had so much emotional pain that he never wanted me to hurt. I know that he loved me that much and I loved him enough not to abandon him in his pain. I always told him, till death do us part. Honey, I hate to say I told you so. I am so sorry it was this way. I really thought we would be together till we just rotted away in each other’s arms.
He had a heart attack in 2006 in Charlotte, NC. He put a nurse on the phone to tell me what had happened because I thought he was joking on the phone when he said he had a heart attack. He always joked that way with me, so I needed proof. The nurse told me he was having a heart attack and they were going to put a stent in his heart. I freaked out, called mom and dad and of course the kids. I waited around for the doctor to call after the procedure, then met two of my sons and drove up there. That was a grueling ride, which seemed to take forever. We got there around 9:00p.m. He looked good, but scared, as was I, but just being able to see each other was all we needed. The boys had to empty out the truck so the company he drove for could come get their truck. If you could see all the stuff he had on that truck, you would know why my boys were very grateful not to have emptied his truck this time around.
The doctor told us it was a major heart attack, The Widow Maker was the non technical name. It was a miracle he was alive then. We knew it was serious business, and took it that way. Steve was in the hospital for 5 days and was told he had to have 2 more stents when he got back home and he should be good. Steve called his three stents the Trinity and I felt it countered the name of his heart attack well. The Widow maker, I had often in jest told people I felt like a widow, since I always had to go places alone, as a third wheel. I vowed to never say that again and I didn’t. I felt I had cursed him in some way and realized my words had weight in the atmosphere. Now don’t think I don’t know God took Steve when it was his time, I know this, but my words must be measured because someone is always listening.
Steve came out of that experience with a passionate urgency for life. Our conversations were deeper, he said what was on his heart much more and he struggled with a fear. His fear was, he didn’t want to leave this earth and be in heaven if his loved ones weren’t going to be there too. His passion was trying to turn the hearts of his family to more serious spiritual matters of salvation. His favorite thing to say was he didn’t have time, or time was short. Did he know something then? I wondered as I just wrote it off as a fear of another heart attack. His phone calls got longer his thoughts deeper and more serious and he would get frustrated with all of us if we had to get off the phone. I believe he knew and was cramming a lifetime worth of conversations into us. He loved us so much and we loved him too but we didn’t understand his sense of urgency, until now.
God knew, and he even knew his death would be special. Steve had a funny feeling, parked his truck at a filling station and stepped out then collapsed. He never wanted to be one of those truckers who died in his truck and wasn’t found for a few days. I understand Steve wasn’t able to be revived even though they worked on him, he went quickly. I am consoled by that. I am consoled to know this happened in the best possible place, Minnesota, where he bought his truck and where his company is based out of. They went to pick it up, cleaned it out for us, and his wonderful boss helped me sell it back to the dealership for more than our pay off. God took care of Steve and his family. God took care of me, because I entered into covenant with him and Steve 29 years ago. We didn’t give up, and I am not giving up now, God you are stuck with me. You have prepared me to be a widow. Is this why Steve was a truck driver so I could get used to the alone time?
We never know when our last breath will be on this earth, we all have a time to live, and a time to die. This is a matter Steve and I spoke about often while watching war movies. Yes that first heart attack probably was a widow maker and maybe was Steve's time to die but I think God gave him the extra time he needed to finish, and now he is waiting for us in the next place we will be, Heaven. I , more than Steve, needed the extra time to learn to walk alone, but never alone, as a widow under God's mantle. Thank you God for that extra time.
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