I have just now since venturing out, been taunted by depression. It tries to make me tired and so sleepy that I want to just crawl up in bed and do nothing, but I must push through it so I do. If I don’t, the mantle will be removed, and I will be cold again. But every once in a while I have a night like tonight where I can’t sleep I can only stare at the ceiling, memories flooding my brain, and my heart. Get up and pack. So I crank the praise music, pack, get weary, sit down, type, then I’m up to pack again. I find I am losing heart with the packing, I need a motivation intervention. I always have been a wait till the last minute girl, but I pulled through at the end usually. Most people call that procrastination; I call it extreme stress motivation. Why do I do that to myself, is that what I need to get juiced enough to move? I need more juice now.
I think all this is overwhelming. I have an elephant to eat, and I have been taking one bite at a time, but now it just gets stuck in my mouth and I don't want to swallow. I am full. I have so much to do and so little time to do it in. That proverb has lost it's significance as reality hits hard I need a new one to cling to. I have a time frame and I must get rid of this stuff the first weekend in Dec. anytime before is impossible, any time after not worth it.
I am also trying to prepare for our family celebration of ThanksChristmas. It is two weeks after Thanksgiving and 2 weeks before Christmas. Steve and I came up with the idea 2 years ago to have our own holiday so we could all be in one place together. Holidays are usually split between in-laws so this gave our kids the opportunity to do what they needed for the holidays so they wouldn’t stress out. This will be our third one, I was getting ready for it before life fell in on me. I had already special ordered the cards from online and they arrived the day after Steve died. I think this may be the last ThanksChristmas since I will not have a house to have another one at. We may do a destination one, but to me it isn’t the same as having it in your own home with your own decorations and special ornaments on the tree. Not to mention all the food we would have to bring to feed my small army.
After ThanksChristmas I will have to prepare my house to sell. I know it will sell, but for a lot less than it should. We were in process of fixing it up to sell, perhaps in 4 or 5 years down the line. We were doing it a little at a time as money and time permitted. I really am in new territory now. Wow life comes at you fast when you least expect it. I wonder why I even plan for tomorrow; it may not be here for me. I guess it is the hope in me that keeps me planning. I am glad I expect too much. I expect God will show Himself big for me,again. I just don’t want to take his generosity for granted. I just know he is my Father and wants the best for me.
I ramble on, and pack away as the hours slowly count down until dawn and the busyness in my brain starts to blur and and I get sluggish. Soon I will be too tired to try to think. Then I can just pass out for the remainder of the night. Tomorrow, I will wake early, work hard, and be exhausted tomorrow night since I won’t have much sleep tonight. That is how Steve used to do it on the road and how he delivered his many loads on time. He was so gifted at being able to see the big picture, and analyze it so the solution was just there. I miss the security of that, and I miss watching him in action as a problem presented and he worked it out. The things he thought of and knew that never in this lifetime, would have crossed my mind never ceased to amaze me. I miss him so badly right now. I better get back to packing and not thinking. I will think on that tomorrow, tonight I pack.
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