Today I go back home, alone, well me and Millie our dog. It is amazing how much comfort one of God’s creatures can give just by their presence. She is my prayer dog, she only needs to come and sit with me and I feel better. Since all this happened, I have spent a lot of time outside the house when I can, burning trash and swinging. God sure is louder outside of my house. I can see a squirrel or hear the birds singing and I just feel so connected. It is because my Creator is in all his creation and is drawn to my soul. I feel hugged by it all.
I went to the beach with friends after Steve died. It was cold and windy but so beautiful to me. I took solace as I woke early each morning, went downstairs and either sat in the swing, or went out onto the beach. I was hugged by God with each breeze that kissed my face with sand. My feet were caressed by God as I walked in the sand each day. The gulls sang songs of searching and hunger as the hunger for God welled up in my spirit. There was a crane standing vigil in place of my prayer dog Millie, in our area most days and stray cats prowling nearby. I felt safe in the dark as I sat looking upward into the heavens as they overtook my sense of loneliness. I was not alone; I was being loved by God through the beauty of His creation. The song the waves played as they pushed toward the shoreline soothed me like a mother’s lullaby. I heard an unevenness in the wave song as some make a louder crack sound at times. It was here I realized what I had been saying was true, mourning comes in waves. Some waves crack harder than others, it is the motion of life. I find myself crying harder at times, sometimes less and sometimes not at all. There is no guilt in the amount of tears and there is no set pattern. Everyone is different. Every wave is different.
So I will be waving today again, as I travel home to my quiet house. I waved all the way here remembering the many places Steve and I stopped along to way to visit our kids here over the years. I remember with gratitude this past Fourth of July when we came here and had a fun time. I believe the key is to ride the wave, but know when to jump off. Who can drive with tears on your glasses, right? This venturing out from under this mantle of God has been tough. I would much rather stay under covers with Him but then life would pass me by, and I would miss doing my part. So today I do the wavy walk. Life goes on.