Sweet September, la, la, la.

This morning I found a treasure. I explored a wooded area while on a walk with Millie my prayer dog, and found our new fortress of solitude. It is the secret place where teenagers go to hide from their parents and I know this by the surprisingly small amount of debris at the end of the path we trod this morning. It is the closest thing to normal for Millie I could find and one day I will allow her to roam free back there so she can have some peace too. Until we get our bearings she will stay leashed for now because I know for sure she will end up frolicking in the canal if I let her off her leash. I could tell by her smile and tongue hanging so close to the ground that she was happy. Since coming here I have not taken her for a walk yet mostly because of the heat, but also I just wanted her to know her boundaries and not long for home. This morning she started acting fidgety and I could tell it was time to get her back to nature and I needed it as well. Thank goodness there is a small bit of it nearby.

I think we will sneak off to our wooded paradise whenever we can now so she and I both can take in a dose of nature. It truly is a balm to our souls. I am not particularly an outdoorsman per se but I miss the wooded lot behind my home and the sounds of nature as I sat with my unleashed Millie on my back porch. My senses drank it all in and it was as if God’s mantle fell on me as I took it all in. Healing just happened.  I seem to think, pray and breathe much clearer in those wonderful green spaces. I hope Millie is up for another trip tomorrow morning. I don’t think I will have to force her since she is happiest when she is with me. Although mom and dad are really giving her extra attention and snacks so I may be getting squeezed out and it is okay with me. I am glad to have other people who love her so if I have to leave her she will be loved. She hasn’t been alone too much since we got her eleven years ago. I have been her mom.

It sounds like I am unsatisfied being here and long to be alone. No I am still adjusting to my new situation.  I feel as though I have been holding my breath for nearly a year and this morning I think I exhaled. Not sure if I fully exhaled, but I feel relief so that is good progress.  Who knows or cares, I feel happy about it. I have often thought of walking the neighborhood, but the thought of having to smile and make small talk when passing all the other walkers defeats my reason for walking, which is sorting through things in my head. There are times I feel very social and other times when I need alone time to self evaluate and listen to God speaking to me. It is a nice feeling to know I have a place to go which doesn’t include getting in my car and I have my guard dog to protect me. Dog spelled backwards you all know what that spells. I am protected no matter what; it is just nice to have my furry puppy nups with me. That is what I called her when she was a cute little puppy.

It feels like a la, la, la day and I can just la, la, la again. Stupid, lazy summer la, la, la day.  I know I need a job and the la, la, la will soon be gone, but I want to enjoy it. The quiet that came after Steve’s death had been so serious and heavy not allowing for much fun. I think I am ready to have fun again and I welcome having fun again. I have had some fun pockets but the seriousness of what I had to get back to, made them too short. These past few months have been so frantic and business minded, the “have to” driven events and even the times I went to the beach. Those were supposed to get my mind off of what I had lost, all I sold, leaving my friends and the loss of my house too. I have done things and had to think about things I don’t normally do or think about and the distraction though helpful, has been more stressful than I had imagined it was until I exhaled this morning.  I just didn’t take time to look backwards too much and now I can. La, la, la backwards stroke as I lie in my imaginary pool and think fondly back on my life and my love.  As I check off my list of have to’s I realize I am nearing the end of my list and I don’t feel as scattered. I am now where I will be until I get a job. I feel like my life this past year has been like one big Pin the Tail on the Donkey where I am blindfolded and spinning around and pinning things all over the place. People point and I pin never really seeing where I placed the tail. It just has to be good enough where it is.

 I am settling into being here and most all those events I dreaded but were eager for are behind me now. I have three more to go. The anniversary of Steve’s death in October, Mathu’s wedding in November,  and Mary’s graduation in December and then I will expel the rest of this breath I have held and the first year will be done with.  It will be bittersweet, but I think now for me, it will be more sweet than bitter. I believe I have swallowed the last bitter just when my grandbaby Brennan was born. I was afraid to handle big family things without Steve but am more confident I will be able to get through them now. It is good la, la, la and I no longer feel so weak like I will cry. I am stronger and can sing again and not feel guilty to have fun. I will have fun and I can really enjoy it and taste it now. I am excited since September holds no big event for me. Come on September be sweet to me. La, la, la September.