Wow today has really taken me by surprise. I am pretty much paralyzed by who knows what. I will say yesterday was a particularly stressful, emotional day. I didn’t think signing the papers for my restructuring of my house notes would be so hard on me. Don’t get me wrong, I am extremely happy and grateful to be able to stay here with these new lower payments until I sell my house. Those emotions mixed with seeing just my name on these papers without Steve’s through me for a loop. I rode a tsunami all the way to my house and then some. I stayed in my car for ten minutes trying to gather myself together to go inside to my friends who were visiting in my house while I was gone to the bank. It didn’t work too well I still broke down when I walked in the door.
I did most of my crying with my friend Steph, who was here helping me to go through and remove stuff from my house to stage it for selling. After my meltdown we got to work, another friend arrived and the three of us made great progress in de-cluttering my house. Of course this means we cluttered the shed instead and we were all sore and tired when I decided we had done enough for one day. I just didn’t have it in me to do anymore and I didn’t want to take advantage of my girlies too much. It was quite amusing watching us gimp around like old ladies. We did our best to laugh it off ending our day at the house of a dear friend celebrating her birthday. We all found ourselves getting sleepy much too early to call ourselves party girls that night. It was quite an emotionally charged day mixed with some physical activity, good company and food. All this made one heck of a sleep inducing concoction as we sat on the couch wondering why it was only 8:00 p.m when it seemed like 11:00 p.m. The soreness in my body was only outdone by the pain in my heart and I couldn't wait to get to bed to make it stop.
Another thing that set me to crying yesterday was receiving some Christmas cards addressed to only me. It was very startling to see the cards with my name only just like earlier that morning on the loan papers. It is all crashing down I can feel it. Today I just can barely move and feel as if I have been hit by a truck. I am just in a funk, like a dead zone and I am walking around like a zombie. It feels as if all the life has drained from my body, so instead of traveling back home today for a much needed visit, I will leave tomorrow instead, I hope. I just do not have anything left in my tank and it makes me feel great about my decision to go home for Christmas. I am in much need of some rest and relaxation right about now. I am dreading the drive because the effort to drive is enormous right now. My bed truly is calling me very loudly and just typing this is draining me. I feel like a wet noodle no really it is more like a gelatinous puddle sitting here blobbing and blogging. I have no energy and this really stinks. I have got to pull myself together to have fun for my favorite holiday.
I am scrooged right now and feel so blah. Lord pick up my spirits so I can continue on in what I am supposed to do. I feel lost and unsure, and although there is no snow, I am cold and feel as though hypothermia is tugging at my soul. I want to stay awake for my favorite holiday, the night is so dark, the bed so comfortable, stay awake with me. Keep me awake this night, and tomorrow so I can see the warm morning light come into my soul to warm me. Help me feel the rays of your love from my family and your precious son, Jesus as we celebrate the greatest gift ever, the birth of your son. Bring joy to my heart and place it on my lips again as I greet my loved ones and sing hymns at our Christmas service this year. I trust you to get me through this dark night, I hear your voice I know your touch, thaw me out precious Father so I can feel again, the warm feelings of your embrace. Get me through this in one piece, please. My emotions pull me in too many directions, I feel as if I am torn to bits. All I want for Christmas is the peace and joy that Mary felt that first Christmas morning. Despite the chaos in her life, she had peace and joy and I know it is coming to me too.
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