A friend came by yesterday, he is also part of the LYSDC (Lost your spouse to death club my new name for widow). He asked if I had read any books on grief yet and I told him no. The truth is, I really don't want to read them I want to struggle through this hand in hand with God and filter everything through Him, but I did accept the offer of the books. If he gets them to me fine, if not that is great too. He surprised me with a statistic he had read that it takes one year of recovery for every six we were married. Lord I can' t do grief for five years, I have life to take care of. Ha there I go trying to manage my life again. Anyway, everyone grieves in different ways, and I believe recovers the same way. I am praying I'll be a quick healer and counting on it with the balm of Gilead I have in my possession.
I really wonder about the roller coaster of emotions I go through. I am happy, then melancholy, then sad, then giddy. But that pretty much is the way of my life anyhow. We had so many ups and downs through our married life that I pretty much could say, I was prepared for nearly anything. I never knew when or if the next drama was coming and have learned coping skills to counter them. So I am good there. I am able to leap away from emotions that tend to get me down pretty quickly too thanks to all the inner healing I have been through over my years here in Selma. It is like I hop into the frying pan but jump back out avoiding the fire altogether, but never avoiding the heat. I have been seasoned with wisdom to weather this and I will of course be holding God's hand through it.
I recognize my limitations, I hope I am not pushing this all down like I used to do. I don't feel like I am because my mind doesn't race and do the crazy stuff like it used to. I am experiencing a freedom, an unburdening as I draw closer to God and allow him to carry it all for me. It really does make it nicer when someone helps out. Many hands make light work is an expression I love to quote so I am allowing people to help as much as they can right now. It is good for them and good for me. So many times I have felt helpless when someone was hurting an often thought if I only had a task to do for them, other than prayer of course. It is healing for both of us. I would never be able to do all this alone and I wouldn't want to, I would have caved in to extreme sorrow by now.
How can I be sorrowful, Steve died suddenly, quickly, hardly any pain at all I was told. He was not crucified, tortured, nor did he suffer an agonizing lengthy illness. He prayed for a quick death and God gave it to him. I love God for honoring his prayer and rejoice in knowing Steve really is in a better place now. I may struggle with jealousy, but really feel secure knowing he is waiting on me and is only a few minutes ahead of me, measured in eternity time of course. Some people don't believe heaven exisists, I am glad for my "delusion" of heaven to get me through this. Hope is always my best answer or else I wouldn't live life to its fullest. I would mope around in fear all the time, being paralysed by my fear of death and what awaits me after. I do not fear death, I welcome it as a part of the end of this life. It means I am done and can move onto the next great adventure, my eternity.
I also pray for a quick death, I don't like pain much, but if any of my suffering can help in the heavenly scheme of things, so be it. We all have our crosses to bear, this was mine and with God's help, it isn't too heavy. I really don't want to carry this big old thing without his help, why do that to myself? Most people avoid the talk of death, like it is taboo, never realizing how much a part of life it is. My belief is we all have a purpose here, a destiny to fulfill and when we are done, we die. Some sweet innocents live only a short period in their mother's womb, and die and whatever their destiny was I believe it was fulfilled. There are so many unanswered questions in this life and God's ways are not ours. Martyrs used to be a part of the church teaching for years. I believe they are still here just in a new packages and labeled differently but still here among us.
There is so much in life and death we do not know, easing my fear and concern of death by my belief in God and heaven is the least I can do for myself. and for my family. If kids can believe in Santa and get their hopes dashed by finding out the truth, what is so ridiculous about believing in God? Let's suppose there is no eternity when you die. How can you then acknowledge you had believed falsely if you're dead and there is nothing at the end. You can't come back and say I told you so therefore where is the harm in believing. I suppose my point is, I choose to comfort myself with belief. I believe it will be ok no matter how bad it seems, and there is always something good close by, I just have to look for it. It is there, I know it.
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