Fresh Linens

I will tell you that I didn’t wash my sheets for awhile after Steve passed away. I can’t tell you why but it felt like I was clinging  to him until I couldn't deal with dirty sheets anymore. Another piece of him has left me like the closet space when I removed his clothes and used that space. Well technically I haven’t taken over the hanging part yet, it is still his sacred space with my minor encroachment still intact. In preparation for the ThanksChristmas sleeping arrangements, I have thrown, stuff in there to prepare for this weekend. After the weekend I will clear it all out, my clothes included. 

 I panicked yesterday I took my wedding rings off to put on some hand lotion. I got sidetracked by the doorbell and didn’t put them back on. I went into town without my rings on and felt as if I betrayed Steve. I want you to know that forgetting my rings is a normal thing for me to do. I have gone a few days before realizing I hadn’t put my rings back on but to do this now seems much worse, like I am glad he is gone. I want to have my rings on now more than ever as proof maybe that I am still married and I didn’t give up on us. I don’t know, I may need some couch time on this issue.

I can only tell you I am more careful and clingy with my rings, and to any little memento I find. I had to let go of so much in the sale last weekend that it pains me maybe to let go of anything else. This is why I guess I cried so much the other night. I was mourning losing his stuff too. Pieces of Steve are leaving our house and I know it is a good thing to detach and downsize but right now I am trying to get my hands on anything he touched. I actually wanted to have his pillow from the truck and his blanket that he slept under more than our own bedding at home, but that stuff never got back to us. It is okay I guess because I think my daughter and I were going to fight over his blanket.

Why can’t I just be satisfied having one thing like just his wedding ring, why am I feeling and obsession coming on to want all his things?  I certainly didn't want all of them while he was still alive. I was constantly trying to reposition them out of my sight or out of my house because I couldn't understand why he wanted to keep some of his junk. Psychologists everywhere are probably screaming right now saying “Because you are trying to piece him back together and trying to get your old life back”. So why does it hurt to get rid of something? It is just a thing. I am not married to a thing.

I am looking at a picture of him right now, the skinny young man I met a few short years ago. I see a very healthy young Marine and  remember the dreams I had of being old with him in rocking chairs with our grandkids. Of course I never saw him with that old beard he tormented me with in these latter years. He just had white hair, with the same twinkle in his beautiful blue eyes and was smiling with contentment while holding his grandchild. It was when he grew that beard and I questioned him about his attachments to  the ugly thing, he said it was in his dreams of us rocking our grandkids and they were tugging at his beard. I guess both of our dreams were wrong. We can't plan our lives.

It is amazing how blind love can be. I never saw it, or knew how to define it, but Steve suffered with serious depression during our first years of marriage. It wasn’t until we were married twelve years we found out the cause of his depression. It was a hard time for me and the kids. Steve was crazy about me, I knew that, but couldn't ever understand why he didn't want to be with me as much as I wanted to be with him. I didn't realize he was escaping, much like I have set up barriers in my mind now to avoid thinking about reality. Steve had much bigger issues to push out of his mind and he couldn't do it awake. He went to sleep so he didn't have to think. I am very grateful he didn't turn to anything worse like drugs or alcohol but it was still an addiction. It made him feel good not to battle the enemy of his mind. I can’t say it was an easy battle, but it was a struggle for him, but he did start engaging in life with us eventually and over time it got better.

Those were the bed war days; I hated our bed because Steve spent more time with it than with us. We had many an argument about that bed, and I never understood why the fascination to stay in it when daylight was burning away. It is funny, over these past few years since Mary has gone off to college, our roles have reversed a bit. When he was at home, he would get upset if I was still in the bed at 7:00 a.m. He had the nerve to accuse me of lazing in the bed. I believe he felt like I was exacting my revenge on him, paying him back for those miserable years he spent in bed. It was actually me just staying up later than when the kids were younger and staying in bed until I was done. I must confess, sometimes I let him think that way because he harped on me much like I harped on him. I told you I'm not a saint and I have since asked forgiveness for the few times I said "Good now you know what you put me through". Steve didn't understand eight hours of sleep and I am done no matter what. He was ready to play now and I wasn't. The roles were reversed, but I wasn't escaping, I had just become more worn out playing eggshell walking games for so many years.

After his first heart attack, it hurt him to sleep on his side anymore so he spent most of his time on his back. He complained that the new bed was uncomfortable, while I thought it was wonderful. This new bed was more mine than his now since I spent more time in it than he did. I think the bed rejected him but then again, I can pretty much sleep anywhere. It hurt me when he said his truck bed was more comfortable to him than our new pillow top mattress. I would still be in our waterbed if he didn't tsunami me so much through the night when he was home. I seriously thought this bed would be better for him. It was much higher and would help him getting in and out of it easier and it had a firmer mattress.  It is interesting that battle of the bed was never won by either of us.

 I will be getting rid of this big old bed before I leave here, it is too comfortable and way too big for me now. We had the stupidest things to argue about and the bed was something we argued most about. Because of this, I will be glad to be rid of it and just keep the lingering memories. I am glad to have fresh linens once again. It feels like a fresh start to a new release of his life. I guess I have released the sheets to be cleaned, and with this blog now it is my turn to wash up. Cleanliness is next to godliness.