Backlash

Well now the busyness of my life is pretty much over. It has been 18 days since my son was married and life is still moving forward. Laugh as you might, the practice cry sessions (cry runs) worked pretty well because I didn’t shed as many tears as I could have. I laughed most of the weekend and the joy of having family around me for such a perfect celebration drowned out the sorrow part and allowed the memories of Steve to ease out of our mouths without the taint of sorrow to erase our joy. It was amazing watching our family celebrate together and not worry too much about measuring our words while sharing a memory as we have done this past year.  I didn’t fall to pieces and neither did our children and I feel we honored him by being strong and moving on with gladness in our hearts.

Seeing my children together, loving each other and enjoying each other’s company filled my heart so completely. It reassured me that despite everything we have gone through, we raised good and loving children and I am proud of them. They did a wonderful job being attentive to everyone while bringing joy to our guests with their karaoke antics. My siblings were also there supporting us in every way possible as were my mom and dad as always.  My complete family joy cup truly began to run over when my extended family of Ya ya’s arrived to dip their toes in our joyous day. I can only say it was a day of absolute joy for me and I thank God for such a wonderful family. These same people were around me on the worst day of my life and saw me naked and raw experiencing an emotion so foreign to most people that being my deep grief. It is hard to comfort someone in shell shock, but these people managed to close ranks to protect me and my kids. It was so nice to be able to go back to the way life should be run, with the joy of each day as a testimony to life.

Now I will hit the honest button again. I enjoyed the wedding too much, because I would say I had a serious backlash after so much joy. My prior year was geared to getting past all of these first events without Steve and that was the last first of this year so I confess that on the evening before Thanksgiving, I fell to pieces. It was late in the evening when my mind kicked in, nothing more to look forward to, no more diversions to keep my mind busy and from thinking about my present reality. I gave in to a good cry, well it was a little more than a cry. I felt the absence of Steve much more this Thanksgiving and I think it is because I was still in shock last year perhaps. I felt and feel so lonely again, exposed to the holidays I guess because up until three days ago, I felt as though I have been in quicksand. I realize my brain has been working in overdrive as I have struggled to avoid thinking about missing Steve too much. I pushed those feelings away to cope as I missed him at the wedding where I sat alone, without him to turn to or cry with about the beauty of the ceremony. I missed our dance, and him taking care of me. I suppose more reality set in again and it was much more than I had hoped for. You see I have mourned the big stuff I guess it is time for some more little stuff.

I was so disappointed with myself for giving in to this rogue wave of grief. I was blessed that a couple of friends were still up to pull me through a tough night. Nights are the worst still but I don’t usually dwell there, I go to sleep or like tonight I watched How the Grinch Stole Christmas. I love this show and as I watched it tonight I realize, holidays will come, regardless of how I feel, it is up to me to dig for the joy within so I will not dwell on what I am missing, but what I will receive. It is a time for gift giving and receiving and I have received the best gift ever, a Savior, who felt the pain of death for me. The only gift I have to give to Him is to appreciate my life and everything in it. That includes the fact that I have experienced the pain of grief so I can be a comfort to others one day perhaps. Who am I to dwell in the dark places when the light of the world is at hand? I have once again made a choice to be joyful, when I truly don’t feel it but I know the feelings will catch up with the facts. I have a great life and I still have Steve even though I can’t see him, he is still a part of my life I just can’t see him. I just have to keep reminding myself life goes on and so must I and that is the hard part when it is so easy to sit down and feel sorry for myself.

So there it is, the yuck of my emotional garbage for another day. Filter through it and see that although I may moan and complain, neither gets me anywhere might I add, I am still moving forward and working it out one day at a time. I was so paralyzed by the negative that I couldn’t blog. I could not physically lift my fingers to blog about how miserable I was because I was too miserable to do anything and this is the first sighting of land since I was tsunamied by that rogue wave and set adrift. I do know this, that no matter how long I float, someone will spot me or land will be nearby and I will paddle like crazy to find people again. Isolation is the devil’s playground sometimes and it is not very good for me at all. Yes I had those thoughts again, and yes I danced with them but in the end, I left sane and sober. I bind my mind to my new spouse and He will always rescue me. Whew. So Merry Christmas everyone, bring it on. I will be so merry you may think I hit the eggnog too hard.

Steve? Really?

So I decided to join a singles group to start networking and getting to know other people in this town. Most people I know are couples and being the third wheel isn’t too fun and the truth is I just want to hang out with people and have things to do. I went to my first meeting last Tuesday night and had a nice time playing cards and interacting with total strangers. Deciding that they appeared to be a fun group I went for a second outing to karaoke the Thursday after. Of course I didn’t sing, but watched and got to meet a few more people from our group who were not at the meeting on Tuesday and found out I might be the baby of the group. To be honest I had told my mom when I left that I may be home sooner than later if it is only a group of boring old people. No one was more surprised than I was that I stayed and had a fun time.

Now I will share with you the most confusing and unexpected thing that happened to me. A man who wasn’t at Tuesday’s meeting started talking to me and guess what his name was? Yes it was Steve.  I was doing fine with the fact that his name was Steve until he asked me out to dinner and then all I could think of was that his name is Steve. I think I had an out of body experience while I  was l processing that because I saw myself tell this very nice man I wasn’t ready to date yet.  I guess I was in shock because I was totally freaking out that his name was Steve. The last man to invite me out to dinner was my Steve and figure the odds that the first man to ask me out when I wasn’t even going to this group as a hook up place was Steve.  What craziness and then I couldn’t focus anymore I had a brain freeze and I needed to leave. It felt like the walls were closing in on me. This was not what I signed up for, dating? No way, not yet but his name is Steve. Do you get how freaked I was and still am because all I can think about is Steve warning me or laughing at me? Of all the Joes, Tom’s and Alan’s out there I run into a Steve on my second outing I know God is laughing but I am just dazed and confused. I wonder if I was rude to this man during my moment of shock and made him feel uneasy, I sure hope not but I really couldn’t think.

So I shared this with my friends and most of them say I should go to dinner and my daughter pretty much said no way that I wasn't ready yet. I agree with her and hope I handle myself better if the situation comes up again. I must live in a bubble, what did I expect? Well I have hung out with married women, or widowed women who were safe for so long and never thought about being asked out again, ever. I just assumed the world knew this about me. So yes I guess it might happen again someday, and I will be more prepared and won’t be running around bumping into things in my haste to escape the uneasiness of the question I can’t even bring myself to type. You know that thing men ask women out on, dare I type the word Date? Well would it even be considered a date since all my friends say it was only dinner. Maybe it wasn’t even a date and I made the assumption yet again and it was a dinner meeting.  Who knows what it was it all happened too fast.

So here’s another reason I am not ready I think, I am scared to death at the prospect of going out with a stranger alone. I have been safe inside my marriage for so long I forgot how it was to be carefree and fun and not cautious and skeptical. I need some mace I guess since my big knife weighs down my purse too much. A gun is out of the question. There goes my crazy head again. I forgot all this stuff because I never thought I would need to access that part of my brain again. I was so comfortable in my world; I didn’t have to work so hard. Steve knew what I was going to say most of the time before I knew what I would say so now if I ever choose to date, I will have to go through all that getting to know you stuff again and I just don’t know if I can do it again. Yes I am afraid to go through all the teenage dating garbage again the rejection, the excitement, the let downs, and the fun. Fun brings me back to the reason I joined this group. I don’t mind sharing with other women so I guess I have to take the men on too if I want to have any fun.

Fun? This single life will be a lot harder than I expected if I keep thinking I am married. I forget most of the time that I am no longer married. It had been so comfortable and natural to be married all those years and not to have to think about the prospect of going out to dinner with a man who is not my husband. Sigh, I wasn’t looking for Steve either when he came along. I wanted to have fun then and travel the world but my clock was ticking and I fell for him and our life didn’t end up like we had planned. This time there is no clock, just the shock of it all that someone would ask me out. I can’t help but laugh at myself. I forgot where I was in my life. I am back at the beginning again a bit more frightened yet excited about what lies ahead thirty years later but still fun loving and curious. I will ride a Harley with someone before I die, bet you didn’t know that was on my bucket list. The ride may be fun who knows but first I have to find someone with a Harley willing to let me take a ride. I just have to get out of the routine of my old life and get out there and enjoy what life I have left. Who knows I may even go skydiving one day. (Tandem diving kids, don’t worry I am not that crazy yet.) Life might be interesting after all wink, wink.

Reclaiming the Day

My week with Hannah is over and I had so much fun but admit that I’m pretty tired. She kept me busy and exhausted the whole week but this was God’s divine plan I guess. I saw the storm of the week coming months ahead of time, I prepared the best I could and I rode it out as perfectly as God could have planned for me. I didn’t have time to think, react or even be melancholy. It is now the day after and my life is a vacuum now and only now do I have time to think and it is settling in. I did nothing to commemorate the death of my husband, Steve and I wonder should I have done something? I don’t know how this widow stuff works. Should I have spent some time at a church or with family and friends having a drink at least?

 I went to the zoo with Hannah, my parents and my sister and my niece Julia and enjoyed the day much more than I should have. Is that bad? It was a wonderful day of mourning and I know if Steve were here he would have loved the way I spent the day. Watching those two toddlers squealing madly while running as fast as their little legs could carry them into a resting flock of birds naturally causing them to take flight made me laugh on this day of tears. I would much rather laugh than cry wouldn’t you? It was a good memory made on that dreaded day and I would say I repurposed that anniversary day as a fun zoo day with the girls. Maybe I will plan something fun on that day from here on out to make it a day to look forward to instead of looking backwards. I will reclaim the day while celebrating love of family.

 I will say that the first thought I had that morning when I woke up was how oblivious I was a year ago about how my life was about to change so drastically. We have no clue do we what each day will bring? I still had Steve at the time I arose that October morning a year ago but quickly became concerned because he didn’t answer my phone calls. I had started to get worried but knew I was probably overreacting as I often did. I explained it away telling myself he was probably extremely tired and couldn’t hear his phone. Why not it had happened so often before but this morning I was more concerned. I was going to give him a couple more hours then I planned to call his dispatcher just to put my mind to ease. Then Hannah woke up and I quit thinking about it.  I had flashbacks a several times throughout my day, mostly whenever I looked at a clock. I saw the sheriff officers faces again as they told me about Steve, I saw my friends at my house, and my family coming home, but there is still so many lost moments of that day that I can’t recall. Why did I want to remember so badly? At the end of the day I spent some time in my bed reflecting, trying to push away thoughts of where I was a year ago in bed with my daughter crying ourselves to sleep.

I heard from all my children that day also and because we were at the zoo when everyone called, I had no time to really go to the sad place because I was chasing Hannah around. Talk about a well thought out plan to keep my mind busy. It really was pretty nearly a perfect day.  I am amazed at the strength of my children through all of this. Their love has really been a blessing and a testament to the love Steve and I shared. They are so caring and have been so patient and helpful to me and strong for me when I felt weak. I say my children I want you to know that this includes my daughters in law including my very soon to be one also. Life really does go on and we must go on too. This is why I know Steve would have loved how the anniversary day was spent. Where there is sorrow, joy is the medicine and I had my joy. Hannah was the joy in both of our lives and he enjoyed watching me love on Hannah. Sometimes while I was holding her I would catch him watching us across the room and he would mouth I love you to me as he took in the joy on our faces as we loved on each other. It was as if he knew she would be the balm for my soul one day. His face often showed mixed emotions of pain and joy and I noticed it most when I held her. I thought it was because we didn’t get to see her as much as we wanted to due to the distance from our home but as hindsight gnaws at me I wonder, did he see further than I did?

When I saw him in the casket, I saw a smirk on his face like he knew something I didn’t. He was so peaceful then and I wondered how he could be so peaceful when I was such a mess. I was so mad at him but thank God I am at peace now I think. It has been a year and I survived, and then some and am starting a new life. I will live it as full as before because I know Steve always only wanted the best for me and hated when he did anything to cause me pain. He was the most generous person I knew and am so glad I had 29 years with him. I can’t wait to see him again and tell him all the things I have done since last we saw each other. He will be so proud of our family. My darling, I cry a little but it is only because I miss you and can’t wait to see you again. It hardly hurts at all anymore we are doing well this year after. I never would have believed I could feel good again, but I do. ILYM my darling!

Has it been a year already?

I started blogging last year wondering had it been three weeks already since my husband died and here I am a year later still wondering where the time goes when you are not looking. Has it been a year already? I am amazed at the ground I have covered and that the busyness of my life has kept “that day” and “that month” at bay. I am forced to face tomorrow morning when I wake up though. Tomorrow will be one year later from the worst day of my life. It can also be said that one year ago a new way of life was forced upon me. However you say it tomorrow will come and go as surely as the time ebbs and flows and the running from “the day” is over.  My mind has adapted and I am a widow and have accepted that stupid word describing what I am right now. Even I know I am much more than that now but I remember how I hated that word last year. Last year that word was nailed to my heart and I was forced to take on this hideous moniker much like The Scarlet Letter except mine was black. I tried to hide, finally gave in and now I don’t give it a second thought usually.

I confess I haven’t looked forward to October at all. It was pretty much the end of the detachment phase that my mind had conveniently set for me. October would be a year after and I felt that was a pretty good time to be done with the big grieving and felt that I must let it all go. I fought this inner battle so hard and for so long because every thought of letting go meant abandoning Steve and our life together. I suppressed it and tried not to think of this month or that day nearly every day for a year so it pretty much got lost in my busy life but now it is here.

Have you ever had a dream where you are running from something and you just wear yourself out running all night? Most therapists would say to try to become aware that you are dreaming somewhere in the dream, stop running and turn around and face what is coming. So tonight I stand vigil and turn and face tomorrow and the memories which will shadow everything I do tomorrow. I am blessed because I am taking care of my beautiful granddaughter for this week and it is nearly impossible to be sad with her around. I took great comfort in having her around me last year as well during our one week of mourning together as a family.  Tomorrow I will feel the weight of this last year and as I say my goodbyes to my year of firsts, I know I won’t cry. Who can cry when God has been so good to me all year?

Unfortunately my darling grandson, Brennan, has had some health issues since his birth two months ago and I am watching my granddaughter Hannah for them while his mother takes him to some doctor’s appointments this week. I will say it took absolutely no arm twisting at all to get me to jump in to help. I know Ryan and Shannon are missing Hannah but I appreciate their sacrifice for giving her over to me for this week of all weeks. I know it was a hard decision for them to make but it worked together for the good of us all I hope and poor little Brennan’s will get well in the process.

I have been bathed in love by God through Hannah and my soul has leapt so much that it has nearly left my body on several occasions.  Hannah is a master at squealing with pure delight and it does my heart good when she does it just because she is excited to be with me. It is as if she is so overloaded with joy that it just bursts out in squeals and giggles.  No one has ever shown love to me like that ever. I love to watch her run and laugh in the back yard and explore every nook and cranny at the playground. I love listening to her sing and question everything constantly seeking knowledge. She is a pure bundle of joy. Heaven knows what tomorrow will bring when my parents and I take Hannah to the zoo, but it can only be wonderful. She has been a miraculous protection against the sadness tomorrow should bring to me but won’t because joy comes in the morning and her name is Hannah. I am so blessed.

So you see, I am sad, yet when I face tomorrow with my secret weapon of joy, it will diffuse any assaults of pity which will be lurking in the shadows. Hannah will squeal them away and the sound of our laughter will lighten all the dark areas of grief. You are not forgotten my love, you have just left us for a little while and we will all see you again soon. In the meantime I will continue to take comfort in our family and move forward in my life because it is best for me and I know it is what you want for me. It is a month of closing doors of our old life, darling. Last week I closed on our house and this week is the last first with the exception of a wedding next month.   I don’t remember much about my first fall without you last year, but I promise the memories of this fall will be good ones. October isn’t such a dreaded month anymore and I intend to enjoy this, my second fall, without you this year. I miss you, I love you, and am glad to be moving on. I will see you soon my love in God’s precious timing.

October

Today was Steve’s birthday and I had a mini-mourn time this morning during my walk, while in the car, while at my storage shed, while on the phone with my daughter and once or twice during the football game. They come as I think about my last time with him a year ago. I do remember he came in late on the evening of his birthday and he was tired but the part that hurts most is that I didn’t realize how special that time should have been.  I know I cooked him a steak dinner and gave his a birthday card and small gift a shirt I had bought him but we quickly fell into our home routine and he slept a lot. I gave him a stinking shirt as the last gift I ever gave him and this bothers me. I would have loved to have bought him more but we agreed to put our focus on fixing up the house instead of gifts. A shirt that I gave away with all of his other clothes.

 I can’t remember much about his last birthday on earth nor the two days after his birthday but I remember our last day together very well. I can recall our last day together because we ventured from our routine and drove to Montgomery to visit the eye doctor to determine if I was going to have Lasik surgery or not. We looked at flooring to put into our house before our ThanksChristmas celebration. After searching at several places in Montgomery we drove to Prattville where we found a pattern we both liked and purchased it in Prattville which is near Montgomery. We had a nice dinner  before heading back home  to Selma but during dinner his company called him to pick up a load that night forcing us to shorten our day together.  It was hard to see him leave since I knew we had spent far too much time awake and felt he should have had more rest before leaving. I worried all the time about him not getting enough sleep and pushing himself too hard. 

I just can’t shake Steve today or probably this whole month will be hard for me. I guess from now on October will be my Steve month. He was born and died in October and this is just occurring to me a year later as I blog. Not many people are born and die in the same month so it is just more proof that he is special I mean was special. I still have issues with tenses when referring to him.  If I could pick up the remote and fast forward through this month I would. It is so weird that I actually hoped this month wouldn’t happen maybe this is why I am walking. Today I wished I was running and truly felt I could have just run away. The self protect kicked in and I just wanted to escape from October, my reality, and any sort of thinking. On my walk I thought if I could only hurt myself like break a leg or an arm, it could refocus my mind elsewhere. I am too chicken to do it, because it would hurt too much, but I now know why men punch walls.  I would too, if I didn’t know it would hurt so badly, but I really wanted to today. I also thought about cranking my music louder, drinking in excess, walking until I dropped from exhaustion, and just sitting down never to get up again. What did I do about any of these silly thoughts? I just walked it off and fell into my small routines of life and kept on going. I have the tendency to think so dramatically sometimes, but act quite the opposite. I am actually cautious and safe although the thought of skydiving keeps popping into my head.

How many thoughts are never acted on? I Thank God that I don’t act on them because when I am weak, He is strong for me. These crazy things enter my head and my autopilot answers them by steering me on the right course and keeping me there despite my attempts to grab the wheel again. I will get past this month, I will continue to make forward progress and I will have joy in all situations. I tried to bypass being sad but this emotion is a true one and one I have to live with, but won’t allow it to be stronger than joy. I was blessed to have had Steve in my life, I am sad he is no longer here with me. I am glad we had five wonderful children and Steve lives on in them. I am sad because I miss him and no one on earth knew me like he did. I am sad he didn’t get to do all the things he wanted to do, but I am glad I know I will see him again one day. A proper balance of sad and glad I would say. If you catch me in the sad too much, I trust you, my friends, will slap me back to proper balance. October is a beautiful month usually and will be for me again one day. Perhaps next year.

I Walk a Crooked Mile

I found out yesterday morning after my walk that I can’t walk a straight line. I walk the straight and narrow pretty much most of the time and have most of my life but who thinks about how they walk, right? After my walk yesterday I checked my path on this fancy pedometer app I have on my phone. It shows my route and clocks my steps and even plays my music. I like it but was so amused and a bit surprised to view my very crooked walk on my phone. I never think about how straight I walk but the red line on this map showed I walk like a drunken sailor. Please no comments about me once being one. Such is the story of my entire life. I think I am walking straight, but really I am just a crooked walker. There was a crooked man who walked a crooked mile and I am she.

I have noticed while walking with traffic, I tend to veer towards the car coming up behind me then and as it passes by me. I am like a moth to a flame, not wanting to be hit by a car, but my natural magnetic current inside wants to veer and I find myself struggling and thinking hard about not stepping into traffic and then I lose my train of thought. When I pass a person on the walking path I have the same tendencies. Am I naturally attracted to where I am not supposed to be? Steve and I always had this “discussion” as I always ran into him when we walked anywhere. It was the strangest thing, but I always veered his way making him give up ground and walked into him much too many times to tell.  No matter the side he walked on, I wanted it too. He didn’t like to walk with me. I never noticed that I did it and I just thought he was being dramatic and secretly thought he was the crooked walker, not me. So imagine my reality check to see me doing it as I walk alone each morning. He was right all along. I guess I have a hard time walking a straight line.

I also realized how conditioned I am to the rules of the road as I walked along that walking path this morning. I always stay on my side of the path even if no one else is on it with me hugging the edge of the sidewalk like an obedient dutiful citizen. I am programmed to walk like I was trained to drive. (Oh goodness if I am a crooked walker, I must be a crooked driver too, do you think?)On the way back I decided to walk down the center of my concrete walking path and do you know what? I didn’t focus on falling off the edge as much and it made it easier to walk. I had missed out on this for so long (well only a month actually) this wonderful walking freedom.  As I walked in this new found freedom I heard God saying to me it is my choice to walk in the center, the world tries its hardest to get us to stumble off the edge and to strive to focus on not falling off. It is a distraction. If I walk in the middle, the kingdom road, people will have plenty of room to pass if they choose or walk along side, but I need to choose to walk freely unencumbered down the center path.

I noticed after that mini revelation, that I was so much more focused and relieved. I wasn’t constantly wondering if I was going to slip and sprain an ankle or worse fall down face first sprawled out in someone’s front lawn there by making a fool of myself and then I would not be able to walk the path anymore because of the humiliation it would bring. (Yup I took you via that run on sentence to the place my mind wanders while on the edge) I totally owned the middle ground this morning and loved it and continued to the end of my walk. I was also walking faster and thinking clearer because I knew if someone wanted to get around me they could because the path was wide enough. Even if I might have to move one step over to allow a walking twosome by, I still had plenty of room to keep me from the edge. I know this sounds stupid but I am breaking out of an old mindset and setting up a new and improved one for myself.

So now the pressure is off of me. I am a crooked walker and will walk a crooked mile or two down the center of my life’s path. You can walk beside me if you dare and we will walk crookedly together even crossing into each other’s path sometimes.  I also Iearned on my crooked little walk today l that I am attracted to what is bad for me and attracted to what is good for me too, people. I know that as long as I stay in the middle I should be alright and it is my choice to walk right down the middle. So you see, the path can be as crooked as need be to get the job done and that job is moving toward my goal in life to finish well.

The Hissy Fit

So I will be very naked and honest in this blog today hoping someone else can learn by my craziness.

I have been trying to sell my home for nearly 6 months now and had someone who looked promising but the last week of September he was unable to meet the demands of the bank so that fell through. I was disappointed and my realtor promised to keep looking and called me the next day with news someone with cash was looking to buy. She called me back later telling me the very disheartening news that they had cash, but it wasn’t what I needed to cover my payoff and I would have to come out of pocket a few thousand. I tried to counter offer and told her I needed the weekend to pray about it and mourn it through and would let her know my decision on Monday. I was secretly hoping they would come up with more money and God would work on them over the weekend so they could see how badly they were hurting me. I know laughable, but it really seems to be all about me I say blushing at the shame of this revelation.

I can’t begin to tell you how angry I was with God. I am glad He was not in corporal form because I would have mouthed off and maybe got violent. (Yes I am laughing as I type this because I am all talk. I would be dumbfounded and on the ground but at least He knows what I am capable of thinking up to do to Him). I took all this anger and pain with me on our walks and we had it out, mostly I did, He just listened and I felt I heard some truth on Friday but mostly He got the earful. Saturday by the end of my walk I was softening but still grudging everything about the situation. I pleaded for the extra money and at one point accepted the loss then found myself fantasizing about how God would love that I came to this revelation and would find me more money. I half expected this to happen really I did. I thought all the vengeful thoughts I could think about these people and how I could get back at them. I thought, about God’s motives to make me miserable and pay for all my sins through this inaction of His. I even threw in Steve’s death in there at some point just to make Him feel bad. Several times I said “If this is the kind of husband you are going to be, I don’t want you”. Yeah can you believe lightening didn’t strike me?  I threw my temper tantrum and had a pity party for myself that whole weekend as I mulled it over whether to cut my nose off and spite my face. It was ugly I was mean and spiteful and scary but on Sunday the tide turned and thus came love and confirmation.

I spent most of the day with my sister and brother in law and had a fun time. I felt loved and wanted and realized the next morning the Lord was loving on me through them. It was like Steve used to do to me to shut me up when I was panicked he just hugged me tight until I couldn’t struggle anymore and my strength left me and so did the fight. I made my decision before I went to bed that night that in the morning, I would bite the bullet and take the meager offer on my house.  This is the attitude I had going to bed and upon my rising. I bit a bullet. My girlfriends called that night and they had prayed and cried for me, but came to the same conclusion as they prayed for me.

On my morning walk on Monday, I prayed and the Lord brought me so much peace about it. He is my strong tower and though He didn’t show up the way I expected Him to, He still showed up. This had been the month I have been dreading for a year now. A year ago I was happy and spending time with Steve and on the 19^th of October I lost him forever and I was not looking forward to this anniversary month at all. October 9^th is his birthday also so you see when God brought this opportunity to close the door to Selma to me at the very beginning of October, how could I say no? He is still in control in my life and the money I will lose now, I will recoup later. Besides I am sure He is answering the prayers of my buyers as well. It will be alright for us all. I began to see more truth and my heart began to open. Later Monday afternoon I got a blessing from my prayer group of girls in Selma and a lovely card to hang onto hope. I felt their love and God's embrace through them.

 I found myself praying for the buyers to say yes they still wanted the house after the long weekend and this is when revelation set in and the lesson God was teaching me began to unfold. Fear had entered the picture in such a big way and opened the door to all the shame and control issues I had rid myself of earlier in my life. I became paralyzed with fear once again and that brought out the claws as I fought hard against the only one who always loves me. I had a hard time seeing beyond the bitterness, disappointment and anger that I was feeling so I could get to the root of the issue which was trust. I didn’t trust God with this part of my life; the financial end that is because I never trusted Steve with it. I was trying to control it from day one when I first started to sell my house. I thought I had let it go, but really I wasn’t allowing God to control this. I see this now and as I walked this morning, I bound my stupid trust issues to Christ.

I saw Jesus in the Garden praying for His cup to pass Him by, much like I was doing this past weekend as I prayed they could come up with more money to lessen my pain.  Jesus and I were praying for an eleventh hour save by God hoping He would say “Okay, okay, let’s do it your way, it’s so much better”. So as I repented realizing Jesus had similar issues (I know pitiful isn’t it comparing Death to money problems) and He accepted His death and still drank from His cup, surely I could accept my little ole shot glass of pain. I was so sad that I had blown this so out of proportion, but comforted by God to see I wasn’t alone in my pleading for a different less painful outcome. I began to see how silly my issue was in comparison, but very glad to be in good company as I swallowed the bitter pill and accepted this. Yes my walk this morning was an Emmaus epiphany. I repented the whole way home and began to welcome the idea of being a blessing to someone who needs a house. I like being an answer to someone’s prayers and pray many blessings on the people who will get our house. Can you believe I feel this way now? I can’t, and it is only by giving it to God that I can have this peace and not look on this sale as a curse, but a blessing.

This morning’s daily readings happened (no coincidences with God) to be about Jonah’s disappointment after God stayed His hand and rescued the city of Nineveh. Jonah had gone through hell and back and wanted to see just a little punishment, because he had suffered harassment and wanted to see some consequences fall upon the city maybe like as a reward for his obedience. God sent him a plant to shade him, it died and Jonah complained. It was only God’s mercy that put it there in the first place; he didn’t deserve it at all. I don’t deserve anything either but the good grace of God keeps finding me.   What I expected isn’t what God had planned just like with Jonah’s disappointment and his expectations. God is showing up big for the buyers of my house who am I to begrudge what God has in store for them? He loves them as much as He loves me. So if I take my eyes off of me for a moment, I can see God showing up big and it is that simple.

The blessing is, I am learning to see deeper into my tantrums more quickly, and I recognize them for what they are sooner than later. The poison of anger and bitterness doesn’t have time to work and get a hold on my life anymore. Thank God for that and I can now move forward in peace in this present situation in the knowledge that God truly has my back, my front, and my sides, and he is above and below me.  He still has me wrapped in His mantle of love and He is my good husband and in Him do I place my love and my trust in all things. I hope my next tantrum only lasts a minute and I await the day when I can’t be lured into one at all. I do not like my peace taken from me, especially when I am doing it to myself.

Same walk, Shorter Distance

I have been complaining about not being able to get a job yet when last week my son calls and says he needs me to come to Mobile and stay with Hannah because Brennan needs surgery. I dropped everything and went quickly to them of course, but had I had a job I would not have been able to be of help. Perhaps this is the blessing or a confirmation for me right now to be able to know that God knows of the things to come for me. This ability to drop all things for my loved ones may soon be coming to an end and I needed one last joy ride.

I have loved being there in any way for my family. I remember having to bring things left at home to my kids at school and to Steve as well sometimes and having to run errands from them during the day. I loved helping my family and being available to them and any friends or other family members as well.  Now I have to depend on me to make money to pay my bills and I am responsible for me alone. I have new found empathy for all those single parents, and widows who have small children to care for.  It is hard to be alone and even harder if there seems to be no place in this world for your particular unaccredited skills. The world wants me to believe I am a loser right now, but I am having none of that. It really is hard to filter those thoughts out of my head though. I know without a doubt that I will find a job when I am supposed to. I still have a couple of loose ends to tie from my last life and after those tie up I suppose then the job will find me.

Do I sound optimistic or naive? I sure hope optimistic and I hope it plays out the way I see it play out in my head. I was reminded on my walk this morning about trying to get ahead of myself. On Saturday, my leg began to hurt and by the end of the night it hurt to walk and I felt like I was dragging my leg around. I felt a bit like Igor from Young Frankenstein (probably looked like him too). I have had this same leg problem before so it was nothing new. It first started when I was pregnant with my first born and it comes and goes depending on my activity level. I call it my “baby” leg since it started during my first pregnancy.  I suppose that weak muscle became uncooperative in all my dealings with Hannah over the past week. Up and down, around and back again Hannah used me as her own special plaything and I enjoyed every moment of it.  I gladly give up my normal walk for the time spent with her.  I had so much fun and am so grateful my Brennan is alright too. It was such a blessing being able to be there to help them out.

This morning was the first time I have walked in a week and it was a slow go as I nursed my decrepit old muscle, but I made it despite my “baby” leg. Funny thing is I don’t feel old; my body is just in rebellion right now. While on my walk, I had to laugh at the fresh new banana peel in the road thinking if I slipped on it I would at least have a good excuse for my lovely limp. This peel got me to thinking about my impatience and my eagerness to get over this “baby” leg quicker so I could get back to my 4 mile walks. I have no control over the speed of the healing same as I had no control over how it began to hurt. I just have to walk it out. My usual hour long four mile walk became an hour long two mile walk today. It took the same amount of time, but I covered a shorter distance. Such is my life. My life might go on but the pain will come back and I have to deal with it from time to time as I have to with my “baby” leg issue. I never know when it will act up just as I never know when something will trigger a memory of Steve.

I have to say I thought about Steve more while around Hannah this past week. I guess it started in the car on the way there when I couldn’t call him and talk to him while I drove there. He was my go to man in a crisis. (Okay yes God is my go to man in a crisis, but Steve was second and Steve talked back to me in words, not thoughts mingled with my own) I had a strange peace about all of it though and knew it would all be alright, but I missed my go to man. I especially missed him when I locked my keys in the car after a wonderful morning at the playground with Hannah. Thank God we were at the golden arches and we had some lunch while waiting on a lock smith to rescue me. I was calm for that too. I think I would have been less enthusiastic about having to call Steve and tell him what I did. I would not have had as much peace as I did since I know God won’t rag me about it too much. I was so grateful to be able to pay my bill and get Hannah home for her nap. Habit had me wanting to call Steve, but I felt a shift in my thought process again and realized it was on me to handle it. I guess I am growing up and growing to accept I have to make decisions on my own now.  No table for two anymore. It was the same walk but a shorter distance. The longer distance was Steve was the middle man, the head of my household, and I passed everything by him first. Now I just go the shorter distance and directly turn to God as never before. He is my husband now, my go to advisor. Same walk, shorter distance.

Tomorrow I hope to walk farther with less pain but it will be okay to if I must walk the same amount of time but a shorter distance. At least I can get out there to walk and I refuse to let it sideline me too long and the same goes for the grieving. My “baby” leg reminds me of my first born and the joy of pregnancy and the beginning of our married life together and gives me pause for reflection and thanksgiving. It will be the same when the memories come of Steve.  Pain is a fact of life and will come when I least expect it but pressing through and taking care of myself by listening to my body and slowing when I need to is the only way to get better. I accept it and continue to walk the walk at a slower pace for a time. I can accomplish all things through Christ who strengthens me and walks with me through the dark valleys. He is my companion and my coach as I hobble along my new path in my new life. I Thank God I am moving forward. I thank God I am moving at all.

Forward Progress

I am beginning to enjoy my daily “walk abouts”. I loved Forrest Gump and am beginning to understand the part about him “running” and I believe a “walk about” is just about the same thing only slower.  Since I don’t do running I will walk.  I feel some days I want to just walk until I stop, but living with one’s parents leaves that option out because I know they would worry. Nah, there I go just kidding myself again I really can’t do more than an hour but I want to. During these morning walks I think I am looking to find focus again. At first they were just about doing something, like when you are mad sometimes you just want to hit something, any action seems like a good idea. Yes walking is good for my health, but right now it is also about my mental health mostly and I need forward progress.

I have come a few miles since this time last year and haven’t thought it through too much during my  ignoring it and it will go away stage. I try so hard to focus my mind while I walk but alas, it seems to have a mind of its own too. The first few days I was so serious and diligent about my prayer walking but as I passed the banana peel in the road twice each time my creative mind went straight there. Yes, I wondered if I could actually slip on it. Where did the first gag about bannana peels come from and who first slipped on one. I found myself playing out different scenarios in my head and laughed as I saw myself laid out in the street people looking at me all because I just had to see if I could slip on it. I confess, I had to step on it to seize control over it so I could refocus on the task at hand, prayer and walking. Yes, I think about the strangest things sometimes but then sometimes I hit gold.

I also find my mind wandering to Steve alot as I walk when a place or sound jogs a memory free and I find myself walking a ways down the road with him. Usually it is Ireland but there are other special times from long ago which also pop into my head and I relive them with him. I’m not as sad anymore as I hear him say things I know he would say to me as we walk with a purpose, which is moving me along to work things out in my head. Some days it is the memories and other day’s its tasks which keep my mind working as I walk. Thinking of what I have to do next in my life like GET A JOB and all that entails. I know there is not much I can do right now but I am evaluating my strengths and weaknesses and trying to make sense of it all and walking makes me feel like I am working even though I’m not. At least I am doing something.  I am somewhat comforted in the forward progress of my walk even though I never go far and I always come home. On my walks I’m able to push myself and press onward never really going to a place but perhaps preparing for something to come.

 This morning as I was walking under a street light a crow landed on top of the one in front of me and began cawing. He was cawing so loudly that he nearly intimidated me into not wanting to go near him but I would not let him win, I went under as he called out to his friends. Soon there were several bird buddies cawing so loudly that I struggled to hear the music playing in my headphones.  I felt the Lord showing me this as a natural sign of how difficult it is sometimes, even with the best intentions, to hear His voice because the natural sounds of this world can be so overwhelmingly loud. However through it all the music continued to play and I had to refocus and turn up the volume in my own ears. I had the choice to turn it up or keep it at the level that the birds nearly drowned out. I chose to crank it up because that cawing was nerve wracking and I needed music. Perhaps God was showing me how subtle it is to be hearing music one minute and the world the next. It is so distracting yet it took a conscience effort to crank up the volume instead of struggling to hear through it.

You see sometimes I do find gold in my quiet walks, anything that brings me deeper awareness of the presence of God in my daily life is good with me. I used to have some of my best prayer time in the bath tub or in the quiet of my house but for now I have taken it on the road. It is not that I can’t pray at the house because I do, but this is where it is happening for me right now. Prayer is familiar to me while the neighborhood is different and my life is different I can still take time to pray and do something familiar in a different way. I have found my new prayer closet and it is much bigger than the last few. Who knows that might change next week, life is fluid and I am making forward progress by walking in circles.

Blow Wind, Blow

Today is such a glorious, beautiful day outside. It is a physical manifestation of my how my life seemed to be for me over the past few months. It has been raining and gloomy since last Thursday due to a slow moving tropical storm named Lee. Sure I ventured out in the rain a few times on Saturday to have lunch with a friend and see a movie as well but for the most part, I have been holed up for four days longing for the sunshine again. Today I got what I wanted most and then some. The sun is shining brilliantly but added to the splendor of my day was the beautiful cool breeze and seemingly no humidity that accompanied the beautiful sunshine. It is the most glorious day I have experienced in a long, long time.

This is pretty much how I am feeling these days much lighter and able to breathe because the blanket of stifling humidity has left me and gloominess of grief lifted. I am ready to get out and moving again. I took a nice long walk today, the first one really, exploring this new neighborhood I am now living in. Last week before the storm, I ventured out enough to find solitude in the wooded area behind our neighborhood but today I stayed in the streets after my nature time in the woods.  This is a really large neighborhood I find myself in, nothing familiar to it at all like the one I grew up in across town. The wind kept me just cool enough as I soaked in as much sun as I dare take in. I am inside right now, but my body is itching for the outdoors.

I realize grief is awfully  confining, and I eventually needed to be out in the world after all the sleeping, eating and slugging around was finally over. Isolation has its good and bad points, and I am not really sure why I had to have it for so long, but I am glad it is over now. I am walking around the neighborhood to prepare myself to run my life again. I mean that figuratively of course since this girl don’t run, but I am running in my spirit. I am feeling again, the warmth of the sun, the cool breeze and even emotions I have put on hold or in check are resurfacing. I may be strong again, I haven’t tested it yet, but I am feeling it. It is so amazing, God’s timing in my life. I am feeling a bit sad now as I realize I will be getting a job soon and won't be able to be this free again but I know things are working as they are supposed to and I am excited about it now. I am getting anxious to see what He has in store for me.

I am not feeling rejected yet about not finding a job because I know it isn’t His time yet. I realize I may have tried to speed my healing up and sweep some of this under a rug instead of doing a proper healing. I did throw myself into busy things, I threw myself into nothingness too and now as I focus on Him and my new life I see possibilities. God is my spouse and the one I turn to now for everything and it should have been this way all along. I loved Steve and still do, but he should have been number two in my life and I see where I held him number one too many times.  People say I am stronger than I really am; I am weak and can do nothing without God who strengthens me. I am so grateful for all God’s love and support throughout this long drawn out testing period as I feel it coming to a close. I feel a change of seasons coming on and that means a change in my direction, maybe a job. I know there are more hot and, humid days ahead, that is just a fact of life, but I will stop to appreciate and enjoy the beautiful mild days like today and enjoy the gift that they are.

Blow wind blow, blow away the sorrows that yesterday held, blow in fresh breezes of fragrant air from your throne room to refresh the weary and invigorate their hunger for you and your plans for their lives. Blow wind blow. I am but a leaf upon your mighty breathe, send me where I am to go, and grant me wisdom when I light upon the ground you place me. Blow wind blow .May your peace and mercy proceed me always and may your love always abound in my heart. Blow wind blow, cleanse the earth and the hearts of man so we may all live to do your will and may peace reign in our hearts so that we may delight you once again. Blow wind blow, have your way with us.

Ramblin's of my Inner Child

I guess when the juices flow you must answer and get to a keyboard. Tonight I am trying to sleep an old song is going through my mind. I will sing it to you since you can’t hear my voice but it is quite alright to cringe at the sound of my imaginary voice, I do. “Just what makes that little ole ant think he can move a rubber tree plant, everyone knows and ant can’t move a rubber tree plant” (everyone sing with me) “But He’s got High hopes, He’s got high hopes, He’s got high apple pie in the sky hopes”. Now if that isn’t how the song goes, my apologies to the writers, but it is the way it’s rattling around in my head tonight. I guess my spirit is trying to tell me something, huh?

Could it be my great expectations for my future now that I have my voice back again so I can sing? I was humming a lot today too. Have you ever wondered why we sing or whistle when we are content or doing a task?  The bible talks about groanings from our spirit and yes I agree sometimes my singing voice sounds more like a groan, but when it bubbles up I can’t help  but have a song on my lips. If you have seen the Disney movie The Little Mermaid when Ariel offers her voice up to the sea witch in return for her legs it sort of bubbles up and out of her and this is the word picture of how I see my “groaning”. How many times have I hummed or sung the words to a song I haven’t thought of in years, like the rubber tree plant song. Really? Who sings that song on a daily basis and I can’t even remember the movie it was in. But the message my spirit wanted me to sing and proclaim is to have high hopes, crazy high apple pie in the sky hopes (what does this actually mean?) Is this like the cow jumped over the moon high? I believe it is stupid, giddy, crazy dreaming hopes that I laid down so many years ago to mature into this wonderful adult person that I am now. I abandoned my inner child.

I set aside my dreams of chocolate palaces and of ever getting my fantasy television wrist watch so I would never miss an episode of I Dream of Jeannie.  These are high apple pie (I really prefer chocolate pie) dreams that appear to be beyond my imagination now. Beatrix Potter, Dr. Seuss, Walt Disney, Steven Spielberg imaginations. My imagination went dormant when I got mature enough to grow up. I left it behind except for the few times I told a wild tale to keep me or someone out of trouble. Yes those incidences will forever be my secret so doesn’t ask. Yes they were lies I confess, but surrounded by a great tale of imagination.

 So where do imaginations go? Where does our childlike enthusiasm go? Well I have seen flashes of childish imaginations when fans dress up for football games in silly makeup or costumes. Imagine being so filled with absolute joy that is bubbles out in a whoop or a holler and perhaps a dance around the living room floor after a touchdown. If that sounds familiar, you still have spark of your inner child alive and well and that is where I believe hope lives too. Glimpses of childish glee is fine for starters, but I want it all back except the part about not being able to talk or walk and messing in diapers. Yeah, yeah I know old age, but have you noticed how some older people have that twinkle in their eyes as they start living in the past of their childhood. Some older people have had to be so serious all their lives that the twinkle left in childhood.

I think it's good to get back in touch with our inner child, so we can see hope again and dream big dreams and maybe even pursue them now. Why just me rambling on in this blog is childish don’t you think? It's just like a kid to give you all the details of their life even the stuff you don’t want to hear. It's just as if the child down deep has kicked the door opened and burst in screaming "I want some apple pie!" Yeah and I will have it in the sky, with a guy, with diamonds on his face. (Yes this is the actual thought that went through my head as I typed that. So childish I know). I know the spirited inner child is trying to get my life kick started again, but this time I will integrate her with my adult self and the spirit of God who dwells within me will add the wisdom I never knew to ask for before. I am now a child fully loaded. Watch me roar! (Or purr, it depends on the circumstances.)

Hinds Feet, Familiar Places

This morning on my new morning walking routine in the woods out behind our neighborhood, Millie and I saw a beautiful deer. Well actually we saw her running away from us as we interrupted her nice quiet morning. “As the hind longs for the running waters, so my soul longs for you O God” Ps 41:2. I wish she knew we were there for the same reason, peace beside restful running waters. The restful running waters being a drainage ditch but hey beggars can’t be choosy, it is still water.  I love deer. I have always taken them as a wink from God and even though it ran from me, I know it was there and will be back again. Just knowing there are deer around makes me feel better. Don’t ask me why, maybe because it’s familiar to me I guess. I used to see deer many times in my old backyard and for a short season two precious fawns played in the field across the street while their mama stood watching.  I enjoyed this interplay of man and wildlife co existing in the same neighborhood and still do.

I remember while in Ireland striking up a conversation with a couple from Brussels. They were there to take a green vacation to Ireland and were planning one to America because their city has no forests, it is surrounded by concrete. They were in pursuit of nature and the beauty of a quiet woods, grassy field and small furry animals scampering about. So it must be instinctual to crave it as I do and I take pleasure in being immersed in it when I can. I know many people crave the beach and I love the beach too, but only in the early morning or late evening when there are no people to distract from the songs of the waves. Since my dance with skin cancer I had best stick with the cool shady wooded areas anyway. Dappled sunlight suits me best as the forests songs seem more compatible with my soul.

Tomorrow is September and still I have no job, Lord what plans do you have for me? I wonder where you will have me to go and what I will do. I will continue to apply to places, but I refuse to worry because I know there is a place for me somewhere, just waiting on you. Just so you know, the waiting is easier now. I trust and will not be frustrated and I think it is because I had a cushion of family to fall on. I hope to find a church this month at least and a place to plug into and think I will make this a goal of mine. I need a place to volunteer and pour out again. It seems forever since I gave out.  It is time; I trust myself again and think it will be good for me.

That step into the woods was good for me and the confirmation with our deer companion was such an added blessing and I know as long as I seek you in the quiet, I will be okay. I have been so used to having my house alone to pray, scream, or praise and You sent me to once again seek quiet in the outside of my house. It is funny how being around people makes you act differently whether you want to or not. I listen out for mom or dad to call to me or ask me something just as I used to listen out for my children when I sat to pray before the house emptied out and Millie was the only one left with me. I am not saying it is a bad thing because it isn’t, it is just another adjustment. I think how much better I could have spent those solitary moments now that they are gone again. It is fine, I need to get back into the world again and this is fine, but again I marvel at how many times we must adapt. I am so blessed to be able to be able to adapt. It is how it is supposed to be.

I never felt alone when I had that time alone, because I always knew Steve would come home to fill the house with noise again. I made adjustments to things then and so did he. He was in solitude on the truck as much as I was at the house but we talked on the phone so much we lived together on the phone. When that connection was taken, the alone time I treasured so much changed. For the first few months after Steve died I was fine with it, I enjoyed being alone, naked in my raw emotions, with only God and Millie to see. I didn’t have to stop to answer a question or be accountable to anyone. Then as I started to crave human interaction change happened again. I could only take it incrementally like putting my toe into the water and eventually larger crowds were alright too. By the time I decided to leave my house the silence had gotten too loud and was pushing me away and I needed family around to fill my mind with new possibilities and hope. I wanted to be important to someone again and wanted my presence to be a blessing to people again. I felt so dirty with grief if that makes sense. It is like people could smell my sadness no matter how much perfume I put on. Finally I think the odor of grief has lifted and it took all those steps I took to get here.

Perhaps this caterpillar is emerging from her cocoon and I hope to be a butterfly, but moths do love to fly close to the light and I will fly as close to the light of my Jesus as I can get. However I emerge moth or butterfly both can soar into the sky and their perspective is much higher than that of a caterpillar. Here’s to soaring higher than before and being so light and airy that the wind will carry me where it wishes and I will be glad to go. I can adapt to anything because I have been prepared and tested. My strength is returning and I don’t feel fragile anymore. It is such a nice feeling.  I am blessed to have had the time to grieve and to receive healing specifically designed for me at the perfect time. Thank you God, thank you family, thank you friends.

 

Sweet September, la, la, la.

This morning I found a treasure. I explored a wooded area while on a walk with Millie my prayer dog, and found our new fortress of solitude. It is the secret place where teenagers go to hide from their parents and I know this by the surprisingly small amount of debris at the end of the path we trod this morning. It is the closest thing to normal for Millie I could find and one day I will allow her to roam free back there so she can have some peace too. Until we get our bearings she will stay leashed for now because I know for sure she will end up frolicking in the canal if I let her off her leash. I could tell by her smile and tongue hanging so close to the ground that she was happy. Since coming here I have not taken her for a walk yet mostly because of the heat, but also I just wanted her to know her boundaries and not long for home. This morning she started acting fidgety and I could tell it was time to get her back to nature and I needed it as well. Thank goodness there is a small bit of it nearby.

I think we will sneak off to our wooded paradise whenever we can now so she and I both can take in a dose of nature. It truly is a balm to our souls. I am not particularly an outdoorsman per se but I miss the wooded lot behind my home and the sounds of nature as I sat with my unleashed Millie on my back porch. My senses drank it all in and it was as if God’s mantle fell on me as I took it all in. Healing just happened.  I seem to think, pray and breathe much clearer in those wonderful green spaces. I hope Millie is up for another trip tomorrow morning. I don’t think I will have to force her since she is happiest when she is with me. Although mom and dad are really giving her extra attention and snacks so I may be getting squeezed out and it is okay with me. I am glad to have other people who love her so if I have to leave her she will be loved. She hasn’t been alone too much since we got her eleven years ago. I have been her mom.

It sounds like I am unsatisfied being here and long to be alone. No I am still adjusting to my new situation.  I feel as though I have been holding my breath for nearly a year and this morning I think I exhaled. Not sure if I fully exhaled, but I feel relief so that is good progress.  Who knows or cares, I feel happy about it. I have often thought of walking the neighborhood, but the thought of having to smile and make small talk when passing all the other walkers defeats my reason for walking, which is sorting through things in my head. There are times I feel very social and other times when I need alone time to self evaluate and listen to God speaking to me. It is a nice feeling to know I have a place to go which doesn’t include getting in my car and I have my guard dog to protect me. Dog spelled backwards you all know what that spells. I am protected no matter what; it is just nice to have my furry puppy nups with me. That is what I called her when she was a cute little puppy.

It feels like a la, la, la day and I can just la, la, la again. Stupid, lazy summer la, la, la day.  I know I need a job and the la, la, la will soon be gone, but I want to enjoy it. The quiet that came after Steve’s death had been so serious and heavy not allowing for much fun. I think I am ready to have fun again and I welcome having fun again. I have had some fun pockets but the seriousness of what I had to get back to, made them too short. These past few months have been so frantic and business minded, the “have to” driven events and even the times I went to the beach. Those were supposed to get my mind off of what I had lost, all I sold, leaving my friends and the loss of my house too. I have done things and had to think about things I don’t normally do or think about and the distraction though helpful, has been more stressful than I had imagined it was until I exhaled this morning.  I just didn’t take time to look backwards too much and now I can. La, la, la backwards stroke as I lie in my imaginary pool and think fondly back on my life and my love.  As I check off my list of have to’s I realize I am nearing the end of my list and I don’t feel as scattered. I am now where I will be until I get a job. I feel like my life this past year has been like one big Pin the Tail on the Donkey where I am blindfolded and spinning around and pinning things all over the place. People point and I pin never really seeing where I placed the tail. It just has to be good enough where it is.

 I am settling into being here and most all those events I dreaded but were eager for are behind me now. I have three more to go. The anniversary of Steve’s death in October, Mathu’s wedding in November,  and Mary’s graduation in December and then I will expel the rest of this breath I have held and the first year will be done with.  It will be bittersweet, but I think now for me, it will be more sweet than bitter. I believe I have swallowed the last bitter just when my grandbaby Brennan was born. I was afraid to handle big family things without Steve but am more confident I will be able to get through them now. It is good la, la, la and I no longer feel so weak like I will cry. I am stronger and can sing again and not feel guilty to have fun. I will have fun and I can really enjoy it and taste it now. I am excited since September holds no big event for me. Come on September be sweet to me. La, la, la September.

Crazy trip, Jump ship.

You want to go on a crazy trip with me today? Well keep reading but I advise you to jump ship right now, I am sorting things out again. Taking the sailing analogy further, there are times I feel adrift in this vast ocean of life. Some days the wind is so strong I move at a life altering pace and other days the wind just isn’t blowing. The sails are flat and the stillness of the air makes it seem thick enough to strangle. Do we call these times dark nights of the soul as some of the ancient saints called them? It sure appears as though the nights are darker out there especially on this vast, wide open ocean of life. Do I steer left or right looking for a good tailwind or wait for one to come along and carry me further on? Sitting still is not what we are called to do since we are pretty much doers by nature so we always move. Unfortunately I have been known to move backwards and this is not where I want to go now. So during these dark times of extreme silence what to do? I say be still but sing. Sing so loud our heavenly father will smile at the effort and perhaps even cringe.

I have sung so badly and loud on purpose just to get His attention that I actually sounded like a drunken pirate on shore leave. Some days I have sung as lovely as I can given the voice He blessed me with always hoping He would be so moved by my improvement and my sincerity that He would have to speak to me. It doesn’t really matter how good or bad, loud or soft, He hears it all and answers in His time. It is the time of testing. He tests us to see how vigilant we will be, how far we can be pushed. I must say at the end of some of my tests of survival and dependence on Him I always come out feeling so much stronger and confident but still I ask why. Much like a child asks “Why do I need a bath, I will just be dirty again tomorrow”.  It always feels good to be clean and truth is yes the dirt will come tomorrow but the game is to see how long you can stay clean.   

So yet another dark night on a large ocean is upon me again maybe? It is funny how the wind slowly dies down and before I know it I am windless. In the past I found myself usually in a mild panic but time has lessened the fear and now I just roll over in my hammock and say it is normal and it is perfectly alright.  I am now more curious and wonder what I will learn this time. As the days come and go the sun beats down on me and I thirst yet again for water and hunger for a wind to once again push me forward toward my destination I reassure myself that all this is normal and I will get through this again. I only pray that I learn quicker so it won’t last too long.

 I will go about my daily chores of cleaning my mind, setting lines out to catch my dinner, and sing to keep my mind busy and on Him. It is much easier in the resting time to focus on Him now instead of my problems. In the old days when I would whine about my problems and focus on them the whole time, the silence stretched out much longer. I have learned it is better to busy my mind with praise so I can get through this new test quicker. I have learned to trust that it is God keeping me sheltered and afloat and He can have His way with me because I am no longer as rebellious as I once was. Isn’t it funny that in my confinement I have become a freer person?

The hardest part of this voyage is the loneliness and the things I learn about myself during those many self analysis sessions. I still cheat a lot when I play a game of solitary, I tend to carry on conversations with myself and always win every argument. Sometimes I dance with a different fantasy partner every night after our meager dinner and I have to sing the melody that we dance to making up all the words. I also tend to be more cautious when attending to more difficult tasks that may cause me to slip or injure myself because these could cause me to lose my life before my journey is over. Stupid I know because I trust in the captain of my ship to steer me and death would only bring me faster to my heavenly home. This darned built in self preservation keeps me from doing things my mind sometimes toys with. Why do we think of worst case scenarios? Is it to prepare us and keep our minds sharp? I think perhaps it can since it has helped me work through some grief before an event such as the birth of my grandbaby. I mourned it out ahead of time in the simulator of my mind so that when I was actually there holding him in my arms my brain shut off the tears and mournful thoughts and brought forth smiles instead.

Quite times help tame my random thoughts and prioritize them better. It also brings forth more insane random thoughts. It is like trying to hear a whisper in a windstorm.  Reading and listening to music soothes me and quiets my mind while stimulating it at the same time. When I go to these happy places I insert myself far away from my present situation and escape. I am no longer bound by the confines of my present life and I am able to enter somewhere else whenever I choose to. It is a satisfying time in the loneliness of the day or night to be able to jump ship and sneak back after my wild adventure.  I have yet to get to the place during these tests where I can sing my praise songs and focus all day and night on God. I know that may happen in Heaven, but my mind still controls me and as these tests come and go, my focus time gets longer and longer on God. When I die, I will be 24/7 for now; I can’t give the odds, but trust me, not close enough. I am still a rambler.

 Like a feather on the wind, so goes my mind. I laugh when I saw the movie Tangled the Disney movie about the poor girl trapped in a tower alone, bored and so creative. Yep, that is me except my hair is shorter, and so is my attention span. Give me a task let me do it but will it bore me to pieces or bring some structure to my life. This is what I ponder now as I am seeking a job, some job, anything right now. I am really trying to put my mind in order and refocus because I am not used to being unsteady on my feet. I knew the town I raised my family in for 20 years quite well. I thought moving back to my hometown with familiar things would help, but this is more unfamiliar to me than I expected. Last night I went to the church we attended when Steve was stationed here for about a year. I realized I hadn’t been there since my daughter received her First Communion there many years ago. It looks different, but it was a touchstone. I long to move into the apartments we lived in realizing I won’t, but I just want something Steve familiar. Why do I do this to myself?  I find myself seeking out memory touchstones, some sense of familiarity.

I guess once an addict always an addict. I fantasize about our past life, and our future, and try my hardest to remember all I can so as not to lose him. My mind pieces all this out to me in small chunks for me to process I guess and I am surprised at how dry my eyes are getting and what is my new normal. I know it’s nearly a year, how quickly I seem to be forgetting things.  So I have written all this and sorted through to get to this: I am scared that I am forgetting about my life with Steve.  I also am beginning to understand that my mind has scattered my thoughts so proficiently and won’t allow me to see the whole picture yet so I can only dwell on small healings at a time. The picture is coming into focus though and I believe my emotions are starting to align with my situation. I am grateful it hasn’t all come crashing in at one time. I believe my mind may be realigning itself and who knows, I may be dangerous again real soon. Ok, I am done thinking for now and am thoroughly exhausted. Time for some comfort food.

A sailor went to Sea, see see

Well if anyone asks, practicing the sadness away worked for me especially well during the birth of my precious grandson a week ago. I was able to get through with barely a tear, but that is not to say they didn’t explode on my pillow at night. The stress of holding it all together and holding it in nearly sent me to a bar somewhere when I got home.  Never fear, I restrained myself and find I am better now.

I think out of all the first afters I missed Steve the most during this very special family event. He was my shoulder to cry on, he was my ear to listen to me and my strong arms to hug me and I sorely missed his physical presence. Once again, it was the intimacy I missed his smile and mutual delight in our little Brennan as he smiled at me. I miss sharing that joy with him and talking about how wonderful it was to spend time with Hannah and brag with him about how good and smart she is. So many times I wanted to turn and share a smile with him and experience this emotional, joyous   occasion with me. Whew I guess I better start practicing now for the wedding of our middle child in November. If not I will be a blubbering mess.

I am doing well though and very surprised that life is quickly moving on. I am still looking for a job unfortunately people want resume’s and mine is still very weak. I have to meet more people since it is all who you know. Being a homemaker for so many years in another state makes this particularly challenging. My hometown is filled with new faces and I find myself not knowing as many people as I once knew. Those I do know support me and are doing what they can for me, but it will take time. I know I have a job somewhere, just not sure where and when. My parents are a blessing and not pushing me, the pushing comes from me. In reality it would have been difficult to start a job with so many family obligations to attend to this year, but now I feel I should be able to be more serious about it and won’t have to ask for too many extra days off because of prior commitments.  

Keeping faith that God is still in control has helped me along in my process. I am still as stubborn as ever and want things to go my way, but it is much easier to realize, He is in control, my house will sell in His time, my job will come in His time and there is nothing I can do or say to hurry that along. I just sit still, listen and do my small part like putting in applications and answer questions from my realtor. It is strange watching my ship steer itself not knowing where it will lead, but knowing it is going in the right direction. The days and night are long waiting to see land and sometimes my mind goes where it shouldn’t, but eventually it comes back and I see the prize and realize my father has my best interest at heart and I can trust Him.

I want too many things and not enough of the things He wants. This is the part which is hard for me, I once was bound but now I am free but sometimes still living as a bound person. I am not saying being married bound me, my choices bound me. I am now trying to hear better choices for my life and giving up the reigns is hard. (I understand I spelled reins as the way you do when referring to ruling and yes the wordplay is meant as such.) I want to rule my life so badly, but I think if I let go and ask my wonderful Counselor for advise this time, things may go the way they should go instead of the way I steered them. I rowed my boat, it was hard, now I want a boat with rudder and sails to go faster and be taller in the water so I may see further ahead and be seen in return.  A different path for me, I even find myself consciously making opposite choices on silly things such as clothes. If I am drawn to a certain style or color, I look for the opposite and go that way sometimes. I am training myself to think another way.

So you see, I am in training of sorts, I feel like I am doing nothing, but I am. Silent, life altering training takes time and I am blessed by God to be able to get this time even though I feel as though I should be out doing something. It is a slow steady process since it takes a long time to turn a ship this big. Funny how my choices make for a big lumbering ship, yet the boat I rowed my life in was a small life raft. The irony of all this ship talk and my choice to join the Navy makes me laugh. Perhaps I really was meant to be a sailor. This sailor went to Sea to see what she could See....

Sad Happy Time

Sleep may elude me tonight as I anticipate heading to Mobile for the birth of my second grandchild, Brennan. I have purposely allowed myself to run through the emotional scenarios of this weekend to harden me again so the tears that flow will be only joyous ones, and not the sad ones I feel right now. I am finding this preparation has carried me through other first occasions since October but I am apprehensive about seeing Brennan without Steve being there at my side. It may also be that dread clock that has been ticking inside of me since October 19^th of last year. Friday will be August 19^th exactly 10 months since the worst day of my life. So you see I am trying to see this joyous day as the new birth that it is, but that means letting go again.

 My mind says get on with it, your grandson will bring you so much joy you will forget the pain. I am feeling pain because that means releasing Steve some more and I am afraid to let him go. He took up such a large part of my life for so many years. I don’t know how to go it alone and still don’t want to yet. My mind also tells me I must let go, so I can move on, but I feel so unfaithful to Steve whenever I do this. It is hard to put into words the sense of disloyalty I feel to our marriage and to the life we shared and were supposed to still be sharing. I feel as though I am abandoning him even though it was actually the other way around. Steve didn’t make the choice to abandon me, but it is my choice to let him go. Twisted I know but it is what it is, I cannot make myself feel any other way right now. I want him in my life and when I expect to see him or share a moment with him and he isn’t there, I get angry and sad.

I realize how many emotions I may have pent up or have just put off feeling in my bouts of denial and reality checks. This week and other past first events tend to bring reality to the surface. I find that I am uneasy around couples right now. I am jealous, angry, sad and just sick that I feel this way sometimes. I love my family and friends and would never want anything to cause them to separate and be miserable or alone but right now I am particularly sensitive to being single. Honestly, where the heck is normal when I need it? Truly this must be how a bird feels when it has one wing. Nothing really makes me fly right now and being grounded makes for a pretty low perspective. Not that I want to look down on anyone, I just want to be able to fly away  into the quiet air streams of greater heights and let the current take me where it may.

Third wheel stinks. Who ever thought of such a term? My kids have their spouses or girl/boyfriends, my parents have each other, siblings have their spouses and the reality hits hard as I feel like a bitter old prune sometimes because I want what they have. I don’t want anyone else right now, just Steve. I can’t even go there and really don’t want to think about the process to get there again. I was settled for life, and now I’m not. Is this my life to be? Am I always to be a sad third wheel? I now understand the loneliness of a friend I had once whose husband divorced her suddenly. People don’t know what to say to me; I don’t know what to say or how to respond sometimes. I need my own people around me, perhaps I need to find a group of other third wheels so we can get this life moving again. I have got to get over this to move on. I am frustrated that the waves keep coming. Is there no end to the waves?

When I get back from this glorious weekend, I will look into the group idea but for now I will put on my best "Me mere" face and be happy for my darlings, so I can welcome my little man Brennan to our family. I really wish I could be as happy as I was when Hannah was born and who knows, maybe this sadness will wear off in three days. Brennan I want your day to be as perfect as Hannah’s was.   I will love you for both me and your grandfather who is not here with us to share your special day. I wish he were here to welcome you into this world, but I am sure he knows all about you. I pray my sadness will dissipate the moment I  look on your sweet face. I want to be in a better place when I meet you and am doing the best I can to get there. God please don’t let any sadness fall on my precious grandson when I meet him, take it away now and infuse me with your joy. I trust it will happen just as I prayed it. Lord knows I have practiced the sadness away by now.