It has been a better week than last judging by the tears versus laughs. It might be the prayer, might be spending time with friends, or maybe the weather and it could be all of it together. Whatever the reason, I seem to be in a better, brighter spot. I am adjusting again making decisions I normally wouldn’t make by myself. I was unsure about the car squealing and a dear friend came to my rescue and tightened a belt and put the antifreeze in my car that I bought last week. I thought I had bought it in vain since I couldn’t fit anymore in the radiator but was informed tonight about the reservoir. Who would have known such a thing, Steve did that for me every year. Oh well, the belt is tight, I have brake fluid, oil treatment, and antifreeze so I can drive myself wherever the need arises.
My girlfriends came to my aid this weekend also painting walls and trim work, basically putting lipstick on my house so people can see how nice she can look. I hope it pays off but spending time with them was fun and another much needed a distraction. I am glad it is over, those women can crack a whip, I am much easier on myself than they are, I take a lot more breaks. It looks nice, but it is looking less like my house everyday and this bothers me because I have had to depersonalize it. I am grateful to at least be able to keep my bedroom the same color. It seems as though I am living in someone else’s house until I leave so much more grieving to do over my house now I guess.
My hand has been gripped so tightly around my family, my house and my life and I have cherished it all so much that my hand is nearly frozen in a clutched position. Pulling my fingers back slowly to reveal an open hand is a slow and painful process and one I feel as though God is taking me through while working on my house. I feel it significantly right now in my hand as the soreness from gripping paint brush, putty knife or roller over the last few days makes me want to open my hand to stretch out the pain. It is much better for me to have open palms to receive all that God wants to give me, but I am afraid to release what I have in my hands. Maybe deep down I feel I will lose that too but the constant gripping is causing pain in my hands and is becoming bad for me.
I guess it is time to go Mardi Gras. What I mean by this is the beads and trinkets are thrown from above from the floats and everyone expectantly stands with arms and hands outstretched in a ready to catch everything position. No one ever throws up clenched fists since they could never catch anything like that. I like to catch and release either by putting trinkets into a bag I brought with me and or by wearing the jewelry I catch and getting my hands back up in the air again as soon as possible. I smile and look eager and attentive and am usually ready to catch what is thrown my way but really it is impossible to catch it all. Some days more is thrown your way than others and the bounty differs with each new parade. Look up, blessings will rain down and they are freely given with much joy and gladness.
There are some who follow the parade always looking down, getting accosted by elbows, being stepped on or tripped over but still retrieving what hits the ground. I find that technique ridiculously hard and depressing. These people don’t watch the parade and see the beautiful costumes and floats, and never see the joy of the people on those floats. Their focus is in the filth of the street and they glean their bounty from the low places and trash. Very rarely do they get the pure clean stuff right off of the floats unless they steal it from the up lookers. They miss so much of the beauty of the parade by their constant searching through the muck and they work twice as hard for their treasures.
So that is my Mardi Gras analogy and I think it is time to look up and release what I have in my hands so I can catch more stuff. I know there is much more to be given and what I have already is real and tangible and is already mine. It is time to put it on or in the bag and lift my hands to receive. Will it be a spear, jewelry, a stuffed animal, or a priceless doubloon? Who knows, but it will be new and interesting and the thrill of the catch is always as exciting as the view is beautiful and joyous.
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