Sweet Dreams

 I awoke this morning relieved it was only a dream only to realize I was thinking incorrectly. The dream was only a dream and my life was the nightmare I dreamed about. I dreamed about Steve for the first time since he died I know how sad that sounds. I have stressed about not dreaming about him thinking I must not have loved him enough to see him in my dreams. It was like I had a block and wasn’t doing too much dreaming at all about anything. The night before I had a dream and all I remember was seeing a truck like his driving past my house to a neighbor’s house to park for the night and being sad because it wasn’t Steve. Last night’s dream was he came home to me and I was so excited but mildly panicked because I had been removing him from my life. In my mind as we were hugging I was thinking is this real if it is I have to put his Face book page back up and tell everyone he isn’t really dead.

The dream was a great homecoming but I was angry at him for being out of communication for so long and putting me through so much grief.  It was easy in my dream to forgive him and just enjoy him being in our house at the dinner table with me. When I woke up this morning, I felt for him in the bed so grateful to have him there with me, until I felt the empty cold place where he should have been. Then I realized which was the dream and which the nightmare. It was so nice seeing him again and feeling him hold me. It was a very familiar feeling as if he were home for one of his overnight home visits and the time was just as short. Now back to the reality of life, there will be no more bittersweet reunions except in my dreams.

I’m not crying about it though, I am just in a haze wishing it were true and maybe it was for a time. At least I got to see Steve’s face again and maybe my dreams will pick up again. I haven’t had too many dreams since this happened and I hope my brain has kicked into gear again and I can escape into my dreams. It was a good dream and I awoke feeling warm and secure, the way I want to feel so yes I want more dreams. It was nice to be normal for a night even though his visit was just an over nighter. We had many of those over nighters. Steve would come home, we threw his laundry in the washer, I cooked him or us dinner, watched a bit of television, and then off to bed early but I would stay up until the clothes were dry then folded and put back into Steve's bag then set at the front door. We slept for a few hours then he got up in the wee hours anywhere between three and five to drive away again. So yes last night was very much and overnight visit which didn't last long enough.

I guess this is why I am not crying, because it is a familiar feeling and it feels like he will be back for a visit and I can only hope to see him in my dreams again for a sweet visit like last night. Last night I was only mildly panicked and mildly angry at him but mostly overjoyed that he was alright and still alive. This is what I truly believe anyway that he is alive in heaven and he couldn’t call me so who could be mad at that. I am feeling such peace right now in my spirit and I know though he isn’t here, I will see him again, soon.