We had Ireland

 Here I sit on a Saturday, amazed at my melancholy again. Where did it come from now? I had been doing so well this week. I stayed in my bed for most of the first half of this day, not sleeping mind you. I just lounged there reading the internet, then reading a book and then I knitted some on my niece’s blanket I had started before all this.  To save myself from embarrassment I won’t tell how long I was there, but I felt stuck. Then to make up for being bad, I decided to move the boxes I swore I would leave for my sons to lift, into the shed just to prove I could still do something constructive. After that it was back to my bed, my safe zone for today.

I watched a movie online and after it was over I cleaned out my kitchen cabinets. Why did I have so many spices I will never use again? I have thrown out so many things in my cleaning adventures that I said I won’t use again. Nevertheless, if I need them I will go buy new spices or soap or cups. I watched the Saints as I cleaned out my cabinets, and then sat to watch and knit through the rest of the game. I joked about cleaning out our liquor cabinet, but I wouldn’t drink alone and there really wasn’t anything good in it anyway. I didn’t want to ruin Julia’s blanket by knitting while under any influence so I took the game like a fan, and listened to it while keeping my computer on to watch people’s comments throughout the game.

I was a bit lonesome today and wanted connection, just not the kind that popped up on my computer. My screensaver displays my photos like a slideshow and there were all my pictures coming at me. I always love my pictures, but today they bothered me but only the ones with Steve in them.  All those beautiful shots in Ireland I am so proud of, the family shots with him last year at the St. Patrick’s parade, Hannah’s birthday, and the Fourth of July all came zooming at me and they hurt me today. Occasionally I would move the mouse so it would stop, but after the allotted idle time, they came back to haunt me. I have seen these pictures many times since Steve’s death,  but today they just pierced my heart. I felt so lonely today and remembered our times together at each of those functions how glad I was to have him there. I have been to so many events without him because of his work, but when we were together it was nice. 

I call this day a pothole. I was on a pretty smooth road but hit a pothole today. Not a pitypothole, but a time to stop and remember pothole. I expect to be out of it by morning and back on the fast track to starting my new life. I had fun remembering Ireland, that was a God given trip if ever there was one. We went for our 30^th anniversary gift a couple years early. It was the best timing for us to go, worst timing for the economy, but we went for it anyway. I am so glad we went and we had so much fun. I remember Steve watching me enjoy myself as we went sightseeing and I still see the love in his eyes. I feel his hand in mine as I remember us walking around the town of Avoca and the Giants Causeway. I enjoyed having him with me as I sat in the church my grandma sat in as a girl and the sweet prayer we prayed together there. We had as much fun as we possibly could have in that two week period. I am so glad I took tons of photos, but sad today because they hurt so badly right now.

Tomorrow, they may not hurt, but to be safe I have changed my screen saver for a little while. That pothole took me by surprise and I hope there aren’t too many more up ahead. Could it be that I may need to slow down and look at the road ahead? Maybe it is a precarious as some of those tiny Irish roads we traveled on two short years ago where you had to pull over so another car could pass. I will be cautious about moving too quickly now as I move on. I have a tendency to stuff it so I can’t see it approach to issues that hurt. I am being forced to grieve this out properly in proper time, and am unable to save it for after I sell my home. I have to deal with it before I can leave, maybe? I accept the challenge and am grateful we had Ireland at least. That was the best quality time we were able to have and actually be together in such a long time. Most of our quality time was on the phone, so to be able to have 2 weeks with him was a blessing I will never forget.