Two days like yesterday

It was so nice of God to place me on the heart of a friend this morning. She called to invite me to church and I think it was just what I needed. I was starting to isolate and felt myself enjoying me too much yesterday. I realized there couldn’t be two days like yesterday at least not in a row. It is unhealthy to be in a hole too long since it tends to get deeper and messier. I enjoyed seeing the children I hadn’t seen in awhile they have all grown into such beautiful young men and women. Of course there were a few of us older folks who I was equally glad to see, it was a nice morning all in all. The spaghetti dinner afterward was an added bonus and allowed me to visit a bit with them outside of the service.

It was a challenge to go beyond my boundaries and test my tear response time again. It was pretty good for the most part until I saw people whom I hadn’t seen since before all of this. Then there were those sweet people who remind me how great Steve’s hugs, smiles, counsel was and yes I agreed with them all. It is a comfort to hear people speak nice of Steve and share things about him but it also brings it back home to reality. The best thing I can say about today is I wasn’t as lonely as yesterday and it felt good to be back with the Body of Christ again. While in prayer this morning I had felt I needed something because I believed my protective mantle had begun slipping a bit as the voice of the enemy of my soul got louder in my ear. I had become vulnerable to his influence again, and found it harder to be where I wanted to be, smack dab in the middle of God’s will for me. I was starting to lament my situation of straddling two worlds not knowing whether to get a job here or search elsewhere, not knowing where or when I will be free to move on. I know this is old news, but I am chomping at the bit to move on, yet God will not have it yet.

I think it was safe in Louisiana and this is why I am screaming to leave and be done with my place here. Back home I didn’t run the risk of people in town knowing Steve and speaking to me about my loss and sharing memories of him with me. I could get lost there and not have to confront all this, but here, in Steve's hometown, it is in your my wherever I go. I try to avoid places we used to go, even darting in and out of the grocery store where we used to linger for hours talking to everyone. I am dodging people and really trying to get one over on grief, but I’m losing. God will not release me from here until I face it all, then I will heal up and move on. I guess I will jump in and if I drown, it is on God not me but being the good father He is, I won’t drown. I will probably swallow lots of bitter tears, but I will not drown. Well heck I have already done that, so I guess I am already in the healing waters.

So Selma, look forward to seeing more of me, because I will not have two days in a row like yesterday, I will have two days like today. Then I will have two more days like today and then a week like today, where I will be out in the Body, doing the healing and confronting I need to do, so I can move into the next phase of my life. Once this happens, I will be able to focus on others again and this will make me happy. Tomorrow I will press forward in the ice storm we are supposedly having, to train for a small temporary job. I am unsure if this is for me, but I will give it my best shot. Tomorrow will definitely not be like yesterday, but more like today. This is good, I am still moving.