New Year's Brown

Wow after 2 weeks away from home and the mess of my life, the reentry was miserable. I had finally felt I turned a corner, but when I turned the key to come into my house it really slapped me back into my present reality, selling this house. I left it like this and came back to it like this. I had forgotten in those 2 weeks the boxes I had piled up at the back door to take out to the shed. I had forgotten the stuff left on the front porch to be taken away. I had forgotten the furniture I no longer had which was sold at the yard sale. And most importantly I had forgotten all the work still left to be done just here in the house so I can sell it. I shrug now as I type and sigh, time to get back to work, so I can get to work. I still have to learn all about a job I will be doing soon. Who has time to do all of this? Eat the elephant again, how disgusting, it is quite rancid now.

I have to say on the ride home I was receiving glimpses into exciting new moments I could now have in my life. Some were disconcerting and inappropriate to be thinking right now such as not having to check my husband’s schedule to do things. It is weird to think I am accountable to only me and don’t have to consult Steve anymore about any decisions. I am my own boss and that in itself is exciting and scary because I might make a bad decision which will mess up what God has planned. There is something to be said about strength in numbers. I number one right now and will be culling information from whomever I can to help me in my decision making but ultimately it boils down to me.

I also will need new clothes to wear for an outside of my own house job. I have some decent clothes per se but will need more. Most of what I have is for leisure but trust me, heels are still no longer in my future. My ankles will never handle those again.  Being out of the work environment for so many years I am hoping I can find something with unemployment so high right now. I am pretty sure I will since God is the one going before me in all of this. I bought my brown pants, and there was much discussion in my mom’s house about brown. On New Year’s Eve brown was the color my sister and I wore and I couldn’t help but take notice of the name of our restaurant, Janie Brown’s. There was even a commercial on television before we left about some Brown’s dairy I think. The point being, brown seemed to be a theme and I looked up the meaning online and it represents humility and God’s connection with the commonplace and ordinary. How perfect to know I am just plain and ordinary enough that God will connect with me this year in a way like never before. I expect good things despite the whining I have done.

My New Year’s resolution is to heal from this grief, move on and stop complaining about it, from this point forward. Now some will say you have to let it out or you aren’t doing this right. They are correct. Most of the thoughts I put down here are at that present time, I would say most of the rest of my day is the moving on part and the moving through it. It is like the house, I forget sometimes how miserable I can be unless I read it.  I will have bad thoughts this is life but I will move through and beyond them after I deal with them. So this morning I release the negativity about the drudgery of all I must do in this house and embrace all I have to look forward to. Things are looking up, really they are. Time to go clean out my closet and put my new brown pants in there.