Fill in the Blanks

I look back on the day; I pause as always. I have a hard time completing this sentence. I usually say I look back on the day, and then hesitate, and think in my mind, the day Steve died, my life changed forever, my world turned upside down, or I lost control. Fill in the blanks with the least dramatic word for now. I look back on the day Steve died. Do you ever wonder how will I handle a situation? I must say, on TV things are much different and I have found myself judging peoples reactions to tragedy. I have witnessed many women pass out, act a fool, become violent, or zombie out, when told of a death of a loved one. Then again, who would ever think it would happen to you. Shock, good word for the jolt to your brain. I wonder what the officer who came to my door thought as I reacted to the news about my husband’s death. The poor man to have to deliver news like that.

We must have gone inside the house, that is a blank. I remember he squatted in front of me I think he may have said something about a prayer list at church. Where did the other man go I thought there were two of them? I see his face, then blank,  then trying to call my friend Mary and my fingers and mind not working to dial a telephone. then blank. The officer did call Mary to come once I could find her on my phone list. How long did it take her to get there? What did he say to her? I can only remember bits and pieces the rest a blank. I fill in blanks by guessing or asking people. I remember wanting to tell my oldest son Josh so he could call the rest of my kids and telling  Mary to keep calling him he was sleeping.

Shock, who knew it could take your mind and your voice. My sisters say they spoke to me, and even my mom couldn’t understand what I said on the phone to them. It was garble to them, but it was clear to me what I said, Steve is dead, get here quick I need you! Lots more blank time until my dear friend ordered me something to take the edge off. Now I don’t like to take drugs at all. I want to be in my right mind but this was the first time a pill put me back in my right mind. I never would have believed it.

My memory is still spotty about that day, who came to my house, what I did, what they did. It seemed to take forever to hug one of my kids. They were all at least 3 hours away, and my parents over four hours. My friends did pray away a migraine which was starting. There was cleaning going on too and the phone call which lasted forever from the hospital about donating Steve’s eyes and tissue. I consented not knowing how grueling that would be, but I knew he would have done it because we talked about it before. Steve was a giver and loved helping people so I went through it for him.

I remember the devil tormenting me with regret, anxiety, and all the negative, self pity stuff he could put on me. (I didn’t remember that this happened on the day Steve died, until another friend told me I had told her about this on that day, blank).  I did the strangest thing, I laughed every time a thought came into my head like that. I knew it was a lie and a trap being set for me at least my spirit knew this and was protecting me. Selma has been a place of spiritual growth for me, and in my weakest time, the enemy of my soul was trying to take back ground. My spirit fought back.

 I believe this is one of the reasons I am doing so well. Negative things could not stick to me. It was like when I visited the beach with my friends the following week. My daughter Mary and I walked the beach, our feet felt heavy and sand would not come off of our feet, it was sticking to us and gathering more sand. We had sand shoes, like if we had stepped into heavy mud.  If you were wondering if there was still oil on the beach, the answer is yes we were BPeed on. Well in all fairness it could have been dispersant our feet turned orange but it was still BP. The gooey stuff looked like wet brown sugar on the shoreline, and the warmth of our feet caused  the goo to melt and stick to us, and then more and more collected as we walked the contaminated shoreline. Fortunately we  grew uncomfortable in these new shoes and didn’t allow too much to collect. We got back to the beach house, scraped our feet and washed them off with dish soap. We dealt with it pretty quickly. Just  think this could have been my soul too, if my spirit hadn’t fought to keep the negative thoughts from collecting. I could be toting around a heavy burden right now. I believe this accelerated my healing process, to laugh in the face of danger.

There was some blanking also on the day of Steve’s memorial service. The service was great, but I don’t remember too many faces there or things that were said. I do remember smiling and thinking that is so sweet a few times as people spoke. I think whatever was said went directly into my soul and my ears were not working. I confess I did have to medicate before the service, so maybe that is why. Either way medicated or not, I think it was destined to be a blur.
I am fascinated how all that affected my body too. I had  serious sores in my mouth for nearly a week after this.  I see why they say stress can kill. My poor friend Mary had a good friend die the same morning as Steve and I called her to my house? Of course I didn’t know about her loss until she got to my house. She needed to go to the beach too because she had stress issues with her health after that week. The analogy of the body being one, if one part is a bit off, so is the body, I am glad the body also covers, protects and heals the spot affected. It all connects and it did connect to help us begin to heal even though my physical body was manifesting stuff.

 I will always be indebted to my dear friend Mary for taking on such a burden. I am grateful to have my mind back. So I walk forward with parts of my memory of that day gone, it is okay. If you were there, that day I thank you for your love. The important thing about the day I lost my mind is I remember that I was loved that day.