I never thought about faces much until now. When I walk out into the world I see people’s faces change when the spot me. It is no one’s fault it is the brain sending messages to the face. Our emotions take over and then the “Oh there’s Renee, poor thing face” comes out. We don’t mean to do it, I do it too. It is like a dimmer switch in a light. People soften their emotions and reign in their glee, sorrow, zealousness and take them down a notch. I guess it is called respect for the dead and respect for the person in mourning.
It was a sad time yesterday going into the home improvement store yesterday to return the flooring Steve and I had bought to put in our house exactly one week before he died. We had such a fun day together looking at flooring and we had finally found some we both agreed on and was at such a great sale price. We applied for the store credit card and got an extra 10% off. Steve was so proud and excited that we were going to finally get this done. Of course we knew we would pay the card off before the end of this year, but we now had something to help us fix up our house if we needed it. We couldn’t bring the flooring home that day because it was too much and wouldn’t fit in our car, but we did bring the underlayment and duct tape home. The plan was for me to return with a truck as soon as I could to retrieve the flooring from their store. This was the major concern in my life right at that point, getting the flooring home, and when could we lay it down in our house.
That weekend, my friends and I went to see a movie and I hoped it might fit in the van we took there so we could bring it home with us. The guy at the store took one look at the minivan and was able to tell us immediately it would not fit. This meant I had to have a pick up truck to retrieve our flooring from their warehouse. We had a pickup but it was being repaired and I didn't have access to it but it should be done soon. I would have to wait on it or find someone to get it for me. Then came that Tuesday morning, one week after our perfectly lovely day and Steve was gone. Flooring was no longer on my mind, so I wondered why the store called me the weekend after the memorial service. They snapped me back to thinking about flooring again wondering when we would get the flooring from their storeroom. I told her what had happened, and the poor girl, I could see her face drop in my mind, as she started to trip over her words of condolences. I could tell she felt bad, but there was no way any of us expected this to happen, least of all her. She noted this in her computer as she expressed her apologies to me and I assured her I would let her know what my decision was about the flooring soon. At this point, I didn't know if I was going to keep it or send it back.
We got our card in the mail the next week. I could have kept the flooring, but really didn’t want it anymore. I still see Steve’s face at the store and our excited conversation afterward in the car ride home. It is a painful memory, since a week before there was so much promise and joy in our lives, and then it all came crashing in within a week’s time. It occured to me this morning that I hadn't even thought about waiting for the other shoe to drop. That used to be a bad habit for me but I have released that and no longer expect negative things to come at me. The shoe dropped hard and I am okay with it. The people from the credit department returned the flooring on the phone for me the next week when they called since I hadn’t taken possession of it and all I had to do was bring in the rest when I could. It took me a month, but I got it all back safe and sound yesterday. I am done with that free and clear of that and it is now in the past. It was just another thing to check off my list. I no longer have to think of flooring.At this moment in my life, I never want to look for flooring again.
The girls at the store remembered us and that day we were in there. The dimmer switch went on and their faces went down a notch when we spoke of how awful it was that this happened. I meanwhile just wanted not to talk, and my mind was screaming "just zero me out so I can leave without crying". I really struggled with my emotions, and was glad I brought my friend Mary with me because I may have broken down without her there. Trying not to cry is like trying to hold a lion back on a leash from a delicious piece of meat. I did very well all things considered. I will start a mourning cheer, “Push it out, Push it out, way out of your mind until you get home at least then you can ride the wave for a little while and jump off before it drowns you". Not very catchy or fluid I know, but work with me, I am not at my best right now.
If you know about extreme sports, that is what going out in public is for me right now. The challenge is seeing how many people I can avoid and if I have to talk to people, how long can I swallow back tears without them busting forth? It does sound like pride, I know, but I don't want to make people feel bad about their helplessness either. Let's talk happy talk, what is going on in your life right now? I am not sure if I am mourning right, putting off my crying, but it seems like the right thing for me to do right now and I will do it. I am a happy person and I don't want to bring any sorrow to anyone. I feel like when I am around people, I will rub off on them. So it is best if you see me, to give me the look briefly, smile, then tell me what is going on in your life. I already know what is consuming mine. If you tell me you love me, I may cry, but it is happy tears, not sad ones so don't start saying I am sorry because you haven't done anything wrong. God sends people like you to give me hugs, not remind me of my loss. I love you all and love your support. Steve is smiling, so I will too and no I am not in denial. This is my grief and I will handle it with joy.
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