Up, Please

I awoke from a dream this morning. In the dream the trees were blowing so hard that acorns were dropping like missiles, and then my garbage man was delivering me a new can. I guess my life is shaking right now so hard it feels like acorns pelting me. I was the tree and I was the poor person being pelted by the acorns. I am glad to get a new trash can too. I have thrown out so much garbage, I need a new can. My poor old trash man's back is nearly thrown out by the bags of heavy trash he has had to lift out of my can. I only wish that it wasn't just a dream, maybe it is a desire in my heart, to unburden him. To unburden me is more like it. Lord I wish I had a new truck, and new can, so I wouldn't have to hoist this trash into the truck alone, but it is my business so I must deal with it.

My mind wanders so right now that I feel like I am turning in circles. I was blessed to have friends come in with fresh eyes to organize my piles of memories strewn about the house in no certain order. My house truly is a reflection of how I feel right now. I feel the need to withdraw to my bedroom and stay there if I could all day. But as life tugs at me, I have to leave the warmth of my bed, trudge pass the marketplace set up in my living room, to go to the kitchen for nourishment, coffee. Millie doesn't even want to get out of bed today. Ugh, I have business in town today which means I have to get dressed. I will get out of the house briefly, but I feel a rubber band always pulling me back. I would  much rather just stay here, holed in like a hermit. It is comfortable but not.

It will be six weeks tomorrow, that is about the longest Steve had been away from me while out on the road. I am feeling that yearning to hold him again and I need to hear his audible voice. It is not a sexual thing this need for intimacy, it is a familiar thing. When Steve was here, I felt safe and loved. I miss his warm touch when he would rub my shoulders, I miss him teasing me because I fell for another joke of his. I miss his breathing no matter how loud it was to me sometimes. I miss his annoying ways too like leaving Popsicle sticks all over the living room, or leaving his clothes on the floor. I feel like I am in a hole and no one knows I am there. Is this where you have me God? So I can only depend on you? It is beginning to get cold, I need a blanket.

I have so much to do and I just want to stay in bed and pull the covers up over me. Steve prodded me and I prodded him. I miss my accountability partner, we kept each other going. He was my greatest supporter and my cheerleader. I only hope I was for him as well. It seemed when I was up, he was down, when he was up, I was down. We kept a balance in our life like that and now I am down, and he is up but he has left the teeter totter and is never coming down again. That is so unfair and I can't understand what to do. Do I get off the teeter totter or wait for someone to hop on? Who would see me and know I need to be up or even want to be up? Most people like to be grounded because being on the ground means control. I want that feeling only up brings, a rush of whoopee and nearly flying. I want to see things I can't see from down here. I need my up partner back. I need balance back in my life.

I am trying to be up, it is hard to do alone, so God I am trusting you to send me my up partner. I will take anyone, the garbage man, my kids, a friend, even a large dog right now. I am desperately seeking an up partner, because I don't like the scenery, it seems muddy down here. Oh yes tears make for a a great pity party but wallowing in the mud of it really is a downer. I want to be out of the mud too so help me up. So you see how twisted a mind can get, when surrounded by memories and loneliness, shocked into leaving the comfort of one's life. I am normally an up person. I am nearly never the down one, but because my life has flipped over, I am the down person now desperately seeking an up person. This is not my comfort zone at all and I am having a hard time finding my bearings. It is messy here and I am too close to the ground. I feel like a child again with my arms up saying up daddy. I might be screaming it now, "UP DADDY". It is getting creepy down here and I need up. My daddy loves me, I will be up, if I have to start crawling and clawing my way by singing praise even though I don't feel like it. I will be up it is worth the energy I have to exert to get there.

Huh, just sitting here looking back at my dream, the new trash can was the kind where the truck lifts it and dumps it. No one touched it, the truck dumps it but the garbage man operates the mechanism. Hmm, I guess Lord  this is your way of bringing me up. Am I that heavy with all my trash you need a truck to lift me. Ha either way, I was up, right? No matter how much trash I throw in that can, you will lift me and dump my junk out. I like this feeling of up right now, dump me and my stinky garbage too. I guess I will stick with the garbage analogy today because you are showing me I don't need to wait on a person to bring me up, I only need you. You are my hero garbage man and I love your intimate ways of showing me you are here in my life. I may not physically feel your arms holding me, but I know they are lifting me up and this will be good enough for me today.