I find myself wanting to keep every memento from my last few days with Steve. I found a few receipts today one from his birthday October 9th our last meal we ate out together. I found a receipt for the silly things he bought at our favorite dollar store. Steve left a note on my computer written on an orange sticky note. It said Our love is not ordinary, it is Extraordinary, ILYM. I stroke it as if I am trying to touch him, to connect with him again. I know it is strange, but this sticky note brings me closer to him right now. He signed it ILYM, this means I love you munga. Munga was our word for love you more than I can ever say. We signed all our correspondences with this and it is a special word to us.
It has been difficult going through our belongings alone, lingering too long on a memory from time to time. This is probably the reason it is taking so long to get things ready to sell. I want to keep too much. I want to save most everything Steve had. Truth is I want to keep Steve, but I can't. I find myself backtracking, keeping a thing then tossing it. It is like it sticks to my hand when I try to toss something. Memories keep me going backwards and forward, whatever the direction, I feel like I am spinning my wheels right now. I need to get over this hump and clear the way to move forward. A new life awaits me, a much smaller life and I can't see it yet through these piles of memories which surround me.
I have paths and piles throughout my house. Another memory flashes when I look at the mess I have made just to organize this chaos. Steve would not like this at all. Once, back in 1996 I was painting the boys room and I had the rooms torn down and had things in the living room and hallway that aren't usually there. I knew it was a mess but I couldn't put it all back until the paint was dry. Steve came home late from work and passed out on the couch. Around 4 a.m. I heard thunder and saw strobe lightening, then heard the sound of a freight train. I jumped out of bed, screamed 'Tornado" to Steve as I ran to get the kids into the hallway. Steve jolted from his hard slumber, stumbled over something out of place and hit his head on the corner wall of the hallway. A tornado hit on the other side of our neighborhood and Steve was the only injury in our neighborhood thank God. I felt so awful listening to him curse and stumble his way down the hall to us. He did have to have stitches and he often reminded me of that when I "cleaned up" after that. I made a concerted effort to make sure he couldn't trip over anything again. So my house, in the state it is in right now, reminds me of that time, another memory, I laugh, I cry.
The pictures in the hallway were all family pictures. I packed then unpacked them so I could look again. I am drawn to the ones mostly of Steve right now, the young man he once was. That boy I fell in love with a couple of years ago it seems. His smile always got to me because it never failed to make me feel so loved. It was as if the warmth from his heart transferred directly into mine. It was a direct deposit every time and to see the pictures and see his smile again stirs that deposit of love again and makes it like he isn't really gone. I know I shouldn't do that, but I have to ride this wave for a minute. I know he still loves me and I him, so of course I still feel it strong right now. I am scared of the day it fades. Will it fade? Will his smile fade in my memory? Will the warmth of his love for me fade? Time to jump off the wave.
It doesn't matter where I turn right now, I will just step in another pile of memories. I need to get this sale over with. His toothbrush is still in the bathroom, his clothes still in the closet for now. I just feel after this sale, when I let most of our possessions go, he will be more gone than he is now. Does that make sense? Maybe someone else should have boxed all this stuff up for me and carted it all off. If I only had more time, and didn't have to rush to close this door of my life. I would love to hang around here, in this house, if I could afford to, just to hang out with Steve a while longer. I feel like I am throwing him away each time I put his things into a pile or a box. Yet again I digress and get back on that wave.
Life does go on, but does it have to move so swiftly? Have you ever had to pack in a hurry and you always either left something or felt like you had forgotten something? Well this is the state I am in right now. The current in my life is so swift, my feet are knocked out from under me and I occasionally go under water and come up gasping for air. I just want to be on land for a minute to catch my breathe. Lord I know you are taking me into a deeper trust relationship with you. I want to go deeper, but it is very frightening and very hard to keep from getting tired. I think that if I stop to get my bearings, I may not like what I see, so I guess keep me rolling down the river. I trust you and only you. Don't let me drown.
No comments:
Post a Comment