Has it been 3 weeks

I am used to being alone, my husband was a truck driver for the last  six years. Right now I am poking my head out of a very thick layer of protection, a mantle set upon my head by God's people by their prayers. I woke this morning thinking how I used to say I was 29 and holding for each birthday after 29. Well I can now say I was married 29 and holding when asked how long I am married. I feel like I am in holding, but in reality, I am still married to the love of my life on earth, Steve. We are separated but when we took our vows God was there too.  God signed up with us so you see if either of us died, we wouldn't ever be alone, our spouse is always with us. So now more than ever, I feel God's presence all around me. He is going before me working out the details of my life as I am entering this next phase of life.
Interesting this all happened in the fall. I turned 50 this year, and if our lives are seasonal, I consider myself  in fall. Fall, how interesting since that is a concern of mine right now. I don't want to fall, I want to walk, not crawl through all of this. I have wondered if I am mourning right. What is right? I guess I am pretty strong, all those years of saying "that which doesn't kill us makes us stronger" must have stuck.
Some days I am so at peace with where Steve is, that he is no longer in pain, and doesn't have to "chase money down the road ". It scares me and I wonder, did I love him? Did I love him enough? Why am I at peace and not missing him as badly as I should? Did God go before me and allow this truck driver stuff to prepare me for his absence? I sometimes wonder, but every time the phone rings, or doesn't ring, I really miss him. Steve I love you, I miss you, but we talked about this so much I feel like I was preparing for a life without you already. Although, we never really did get this financial part together I trust it will come This is how I feel at this moment, in a second I may change.