Naval Gazing

Being alone as much as I have been over the last few years has caused me to be able to function around Steve’s work schedule but I find myself waiting for him to come home this week for some silly reason. I guess I am looking for something familiar and safe right now in my life. My routine is gone as crazy as it was it was still a routine.  I feel empty and lost right now. I feel for him in bed sometimes, or look for him around the corner yet I constantly hear his voice in my head. Whenever this happens, I make myself flashback to the tangible in this reality, his body in that funeral home and then reality sinks in again. God I know you are the one spouse in my life right now, I say it, I believe it, but I want someone to hold on to.

Am I in withdrawals from Steve? People live without husbands and wives all the time so I guess I am withdrawing from Steve’s companionship and his presence in our lives. I have never really been alone before and technically I’m not alone. I am blessed with wonderful family and friends, but when it comes to me being at home, paying my bills, cooking dinner for one, I count only me here and Millie of course. I am more fully aware that I am here, alone in this house with no prospects of cooking a full meal for my man again. I guess it would be different if the kids were younger, but then I wouldn’t be able to have the cry time I have now, because I would be trying to be strong for them. They would be my busy work, so I am grateful for all this quiet time, and the busy work you have set before me, God.

I know it sounds pathetic complaining about an adjustment in my routine. I am resilient if nothing else, but I really miss Steve and I miss my normal life. I cringe when I remember times I could have just beat him silly and wished he were somewhere else or that he was someone else. I am sure he had moments like that about me too. Life wasn’t always perfect, but it was ours, together, in sickness and in health, till death we were parted. We held true and fast for 29 years so we had that. We loved each other through all the bad times, we loved each other through all the good times, and we did all that together as a couple. How do I adjust to being one independent person? I believe there I go again with the identity issues. Who am I now?

Well right now I am a busy woman, looking for the right path to trod, with a lot less baggage. I am grateful for the distraction of selling off all this stuff. I am grateful I have no problem releasing all this stuff. I am so grateful for my great kids and my friends who have helped me through all the hard stuff.  I am grateful I have a tangible flashback so I can move forward when I need to. So when do I release him and do things like close down his Face book page, or close down his other email accounts? I feel if I do this, I will be erasing him and I don’t want to ever do that? When is that right time?

So here’s a terrible thought that keeps circling right now, I am glad I don’t have to cook or clean the way I did when Steve was around? I feel like such a horrible person when those thoughts come into my head but they are there none the less. What is this? Were these thoughts buried in my subconscious all this time?  Did I just suppress these thoughts all these years? Oh my, what a selfish person I am. It was a privilege to do that for my husband and my kids. I enjoyed doing for them and seeing them happy so why does not doing it feel good too? Am I releasing some past responsibilities? Am I realizing these things too soon and stepping on Steve’s memory and his grave? Should I even be thinking them much less putting them down on paper? Oh goodness I have to blot that out, press the erase button in my head. That is so bad, I feel so bad for feeling these things. Thinking is bad for me, I need to get out of this house and focus on someone other than me. The tendencies to get selfish and complacent are there, and I will be in trouble if I give into them. Lord I am binding my mind to yours, correct my thinking, please.

I am in much need of an attitude adjustment right now or how bout a book of instructions. Could this be a coping mechinism kicking in, a survival instinct? Is this part of my process of getting stronger? I seem to have more questions than answers right now, so I defer to your great plan in my life, Lord. Correct my thoughts, steer my thoughts in your right direction for me and protect my heart from hardness. I don't want to become hard hearted in the process of self preservation. Keep me mushy, keep me selfless, and send me people to love so I can stop my naval gazing and get about the life you have for me. Keep my thoughts pure and holy and keep fear and doubt far from me. Keep me, my Lord, in the palm of your Hand and hold me to your bosom so our hearts can beat as one. I am looking up once again. Keep me that way.