Bookmark Me

I think better when I am alone, without distraction, and I am more creative too. I thought I was called to the one thing in life, being a wife and mother and I had fulfilled that purpose. I also believe somewhere in that I lost myself and the dreams I had as a teenager. I have been a creative person more or less and have used that talent by creatively stretching a meal, making costumes and props for the kids etc. Since the kids have left the nest, the house has been quieter and I had begun a discovery process on me. I needed an outlet and needed to reconnect with my earlier dreams in life. Steve pushed me to think about my dreams and he wanted me to write them down and put them in a box on his dresser. It took a long time to write one down, because I had pushed them out of my mind for so long, I gave up on them. Now I have been thrown into life again, and I will have to put a bookmark in my life again. 

My process began after Hurricane Katrina. I had helped my parents go through their house to salvage what could be salvaged. I ended up with some water stained pictures which looked to be trash. During my prayer time one morning I saw something new in those nasty photos and ran with the idea that I had found some beautiful art in that mess.  I had been in process over these last years trying to get those photos out to be seen by the world. I found them to be fascinating and beautiful and thought perhaps others might too. I called them Marsh Manna. I created a website, began to have them framed so I could display them somewhere if an opportunity presented itself. As with so many things in our life, money was an issue in getting those to where I wanted them and it was a slow process. I won’t blame it all on that, my inexperience and fear of rejection played a major roll too. Who am I to start a business? Was God setting me up to start me out? I was the failure, not God on that. I fear I may have dragged my feet too long and missed some opportunities there, but I hope others will crop up. I haven’t given up on Marsh Manna yet, I just put it on the back burner for now because I have to get a real job now.

Steve was so supportive of me once he understood and saw what I had seen in those pictures. He constantly threw money at me because he wanted me to succeed at being a business woman and doing something creative. I didn't like the marketing part of it because I am afraid of rejection.  I am against anything that has numbers or math related jargon so my feet tended to drag a bit on the business part of it. I just enjoyed the creative part. Steve encouraged me and tried to motivate(rush) me but I second guessed myself the whole time and self protected with excuses as to why it took so long. I don't think I was confident or knowledgeable enough to take Marsh Manna to the next level fast enough for Steve. My marsh manna revelation came after his heart attack and during his recovery time. He was in his "borrowed time" frame of mind, where life needed to be more accelerated. He felt like everyone moved in slow motion and there was no time for it. I felt I had disappointed him by taking so long to get it to a place to be seen by others and he didn't realize how inexperienced I was. Right now I don’t trust myself or have the self confidence to try something new and risky in the situation I am in so it will sit on the back burner until I can get myself upright again. Besides, I lost my place in the whole forward progress of it so put another bookmark, please. 

I suppose the most disconcerting thing for me is thinking about myself and what I need or want to make ends meet. Steve was our breadwinner, I just cooked it and now my mad momma skills are outdated and useless to helping me find a job. Sure I could babysit or clean houses again but will that cover all my bills? At least I don't have to worry about feeding my army, or clothing them  school supplies, or gas to and from sports fields etc. I can live small, it is only me and Millie. This is a hard adjustment for me to make. I no longer have to put the heat up high to keep others warm at night, now I can turn it down lower so I can sleep more comfortably. I am no longer thinking on Family time, it is now Single Widow time and that is a big adjustment to my way of thinking. I won't stop thinking of my kids totally, but they are adults now and they are standing on their own so now it is my turn to stand.

I saw a movie this year, Eat, Pray, Love. I thought I didn’t like it because I would never do things the way she did, but as I reflect on it, I am in that situation now. I am grieving and looking for my way in life too but I am unable to fly to all the exotic places she did, so I will sit here and surf the internet. My mom had an interesting reaction to that movie because she could not understand how anyone could feel so lost and unsure. I did understand those thoughts in the movie and they are with me now for sure. I won’t eat more but may taste more. I will pray more to God, because I know He exists and I don’t have a problem there. I hope to love more (not the promiscuous way) and who knows, maybe end up writing a book in reverse called I Love to Pray and Eat. Stranger things have happened, the pet rock, need I say more? I have been looking for my niche for a while now and I need to find it quick. Time is not on my side anymore.  Lord show me where you want me and train me in the ways I am to go. Remove the bookmark, I want to finish this book.