Why is it so hard to be motivated right now? My kids are coming, Christmas is coming, and my house needs selling what more motivation could I need? So here I sit, blogging my brains out again. My get up is gone again. I can only move boxes around the house so long, and then I need a break. I don’t normally take so many breaks, maybe they are emotional breaks and my body is in overdrive saying, you’re done for now, walk away, and regroup. I keep thinking how freaked out Steve would be to see my messy house right now. I will never lie and say I have always kept a clean house, but it looked much better than it does now. I can’t find anything anymore and it is a direct reflection of my brain right now.
I have managed to stack things that are super important to me and my direct needs in my bedroom, in a place I can easily access. So what once was a sanctuary is now a war zone. I am not multitasking as well as I once did, and this bothers me. I can focus on one big thing at a time. I once was able to talk on the phone and do mundane thoughtless tasks like washing dirty dishes or folding clothes and on good days play a game on the computer. Now when the phone rings, I have to sit down and visit with the caller or else I lose my place in this mess. I found a dirty dish in the refrigerator I guess I was bringing it to the sink while I was on the phone. It has been the hardest adjustment to me right now, sitting and talking through a call when I used to do so much of the boring tasks of life while on the phone with Steve.
You have to understand, Steve called me so many times during the day that it was hard to do anything else. It really was my job to be his lifeline so to speak. Our conversations kept him awake, kept him from extreme boredom and I suspect in his mind kept me from running off on him. Steve heard too many hard luck truck driver stories on the road about men married as long as we were or even longer than us, whose wives found other men or drugs while they were driving. He was insecure and I knew it, so we kept the lines of communication open all day and night, much like a truck stop. If you knew Steve, you know I listened mostly which is why I got so much housework done on the phone I guess. I didn’t listen as well as I should have and now I have to be fully engaged in the conversation. Well I suppose that explanation works for me. Deep down he knew I would never leave him, but he felt he was missing out on our life together.
Ok so now I am seeing the benefit to blogging it out. I know why I can’t talk on the phone and do other things, now we need to figure why I continue to feel like I am chasing my tail. I go from room to room, looking at the packed up boxes. I am restructuring left over piles from the yard sale, sorting boxes to keep with me, boxes to put in the shed to store for my two youngest kids and sorting out stuff to stage a house for selling. A friend offered the suggestion to use color coded stickers and to make a list with the key to it. My problem with that beautiful idea is I couldn’t find the list tonight or my shopping list for ThanksChristmas. I let it be okay and walked away but I am having issues with my memory. I used to pride myself on being a creative thinker who in her heyday would have thought about wearing an apron to keep up with the markers and tape I have been losing around the house. I can’t tell you how many times I laid them down and still can’t find them. I have resorted to face book to help me solve my issues. I type my exasperated status onto face book and voila my good friends think for me and give me the useful ideas I once could have thought of on my own. I do get by with a little help from my friends, don't I?
I haven’t begun the deep cleaning process yet. My family will just have to over look that and I’m sure they will. I haven’t even listened to one beloved Christmas tune because I haven’t given it a thought yet. This is my favorite holiday; I have to get motivated if not for me, for my kids and my little Hannah. I am hosting this event, I have a makeshift tree, some candles and presents in bags. You have no idea how low key my holiday decorating is this year. I have my closet crammed with my Christmas decorations and refuse to unpack a box in the midst of packing so many. I would love to indulge myself and get creative and deck my halls, but who has time when so much else needs to be done?
Is this my instinct kicking in, protecting me from being too overwhelmed? When I got overwhelmed Steve always said to me “How do you eat an elephant? One bite at a time”. I want you to know it takes a long time to eat such an enormous beast. The meat is tough and I believe it is taking me so long that the meat is beginning to spoil. I have invited some of my family and friends to dine with me, and they have helped whittled him away somewhat, but after they leave, the big stinky thing is still here in my house, in my life!
Ok, I believe that is called anger and denial. I don’t like elephant, I never did it is too large a cut of meat for me. I would rather have a smaller animal, say a cow. I don’t want this in my life and forcing me to eat it is making me sick. One of my favorite sayings is “that which doesn’t kill you makes you stronger” well it could also make you sick while building up immunities like when you have an immunization, fever or swelling occur sometimes. I know people who get sick from a flu shot, but it is a better sick than if they get the actual flu they are immunized against.
Denial says if I keep busy, I don’t have to work so hard at realizing this is reality. I am not much of a crier or else I would probably be sitting in my living room floor bawling right now. Instead, I turn in circles steady pressing on at the task of chewing the elephant, but taking more breaks than most people in the entire universe. My protective mantle, God, breaks me, so I can give myself a break. Perhaps this too is revelation from my blog today. Don’t get down on yourself, my beloved, take a break, walk away, regroup as the mantle draws tighter around my shoulders and I reach out for help on Face book. Friends, you are there for a reason and I appreciate your responses (hugs) when I reach out. I don’t have the time to jump in the car and I don’t have people in close proximity to me right now. So I say hooray for facebook, they help me get by with a little help from my friends. Hey I could be a commercial for them.
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