Retesting

An imaginary ton of bricks weighs a lot and when they fall on top of you it is hard to catch your breath. Let me tell you what I mean by that. Last evening I was packing up some of Steve’s things, organizing them into a sturdier box. I sorted through the condolence cards and decided to read them again seven weeks post. I thought for sure I would be alright, but it really hit me like a ton of bricks and I couldn't catch my breath from bawling so much. Some of the cards from strangers were so kind and I was touched that they would take the time to send a card. I found that I was embarrassed that I didn’t remember who had cared enough to send us such sweet cards like it was my job to remember all this.  I found thank you notes which came in our funeral package, I think.  I got mad at myself because I haven't thought about them and realized I may never send one to everyone because some of the envelopes with addresses weren't here among the funeral remains.

Steve's obituary put me into a sobfest again. This was more torture than helpful, I think. Earlier that day I had thought about wanting Steve's obituary  to put into my bible and this started the repacking of Steve's things. I am amazed I had the presence of mind to put it all together in one place so I could stuff in a box somewhere. I don’t think I have cried that hard since the day of the actual memorial service. I guess this is what I get for having a day off yesterday. I had thought it had gone so well, and really I guess God rested me because I needed a good cry again since I have been stuffing my tears down until after I get my work done.

After I packed the box and put it away I sat down to watch a Christmas program last night. It made me cry all over again. I think I might be scared of losing it again at Christmas. I don't want to ruin my favorite holiday.  I keep throwing up barriers in my mind with distracting thoughts of house issues so I don’t have to think about the upcoming holidays.  This is why I want to be away from people and why I want to be around people. I know crazy, huh? I don’t want to be the sad one who people look at with pity about my awful holiday situation. The looks, the whispers, the attention is unbearable and makes me reflect back on my circumstances and then the self pity is right there trying to take hold again. I am fearful of wallowing in it because it is such a strong negative emotion that can really stall my progress.

Yes I suppose it could be a pride issue too, I am a proud woman and I am always the one who wants to be strong for everyone else. My parents brought me up to be that way. I remember being told several times that since I was the oldest I needed to set an example, so perhaps this is why I am so strong now. Throughout my childhood I hated those words because it usually meant I did something wrong, but now I see how it helped to strengthen me for the life ahead of me. Steve and I had some rough patches and my resolve to stick things out helped to keep us together and strengthened our relationship. So I am relying on that strength, developed through adversity and patient endurance to pull me along. It has become a part of me and my strength bound to the strength of my heavenly Father, has and will continue to get me through everything. This I know for certain.

Some people wonder about why they go through certain traumas. Some tests are harder than others, each test perfectly suited to the make and model of the person being tested. Just as we all have different unique fingerprints, I think our tests in life are the same thing, specifically crafted for us. I wouldn’t say God is up there playing with our lives like a chess game, but more like a loving Father throwing you into the pool to swim, after he has taught you the strokes of course. We need to learn how to swim, it is a necessary survival skill which is why our father throws us into a pool. He is always standing by coaching, encouraging and sticking out his hand when we need him. I think about some of the tests I have failed, or thought I failed. I went back to the books of life, studied more and waited for my retest. There is always an opportunity to pass and some tests take longer to pass than others. Some saints pass them very quickly but alas I am a chronic re-tester and I really think mom dropped me on my head a few times.

This test I have studied for several times. I can say this will be the third new beginning for me, the only difference being is this time I walk it alone. This test deals with trust and security of which I leaned mostly on Steve for over these past years. There were times Steve didn’t have a job, or was battling depression or some other issue, this is when I turned to God more and more. I removed my trust in Steve where it didn’t belong and put it on God. I said “God, as our one true spouse I am trusting in you to take care of our financial issues, job security issues and any other issues that comes up”.  Steve and I both did this and we released life's burdens to God to deal with and removed our misplaced security in the world to security in God only. During most of my married life, I looked to Steve to be my provider and should have been looking to God. When we finally removed our eyes from him and moved them up higher, things turned around for us. You see Steve looked to me for security also, nearly to the point of smothering me so we were an anchor around each other’s neck until we sorted it out. Then life became fun and new again, and the burden lighter.

I don’t like grief and I hated taking tests in school but they are a part of life. There are so many times I have grieved for different things or people in my life. A boyfriend broke up with me once and I tortured myself with sad songs so I could bawl my eyes out and feel sorry for myself. It was so ridiculous, but it was how a teen ager dealt at that time. I grieved when my grandparents died, it hurt a lot but I moved on too. I recognize that this is more personal and may take a bit more time, but it will not incapacitate me. Life goes on, people lose loved ones every day, I am not special in that. It is a part of life I must deal with and the sooner I deal with it, the sooner I can move onto the next level. The good news is I am moving and studying hard.