Shepherd me, please!

I wake this morning with the 23^rd Psalm on my mind as I awake feeling nauseous and sick of thinking about my house. I am feeling trapped and I could literally throw up my house issues of moving furniture, packing boxes, selling the house, moving away, whenever that may be. I need to visit home for a couple of weeks to just get away from here for a minute. The Lord is removing me from the bush I have found myself wrapped in and is insisting I rest my soul and wants me to lie down in some green pastures. He really is leading me through this shadow of my life and caring for me as only a shepherd/daddy can. I know he is leading me despite my own desperate attempts to bolt and control my life, and has gently brought me back to center and clear thinking several times. I am wounded and it is in my best interest to allow the expert to lead me.

Panic wells up in me as I think of my need to sell my house quickly so I can start to save money and not deplete what little funds I have.  At first I wanted to stay here so I don’t have to ruin my credit by leaving my house, giving me some breathing room. I was so excited about the restructuring of my loan for all of this and I sign papers soon on that, but suddenly I just got the urge to run. What is wrong with me? I trust God to sell my house in his time, he has worked out the details, so why do I now want things on my time again? Fear has entered and is trying to take hold of me and its shadow is casting darkness over me. As I write and realize this I see the Lord walking beside me covering me with his cloak, hiding me from the tall shadows of fear and panic.  Soothing me with whispers and the same loving words I spoke to my children in the night time when they woke from a horrible nightmare. It is only a dream and it can’t hurt you, I am here to protect you. I will not let anything harm you. Rest, go back to sleep and rest my darling, I will sit with you.

Yes I will go home, rest for a bit and start fresh in the New Year after the long night of 2010 passes and my daddy sits with me through it. I look forward to the attempt of not thinking even though I will be thinking, but I won’t be moving boxes or anything around. I am in the phase of house buying where you have found your perfect new house, but have to sell the old one first. Not that I have a new house to move into I will be with my parents for a time, but I will have a new life with new surroundings. Actually it will be a new house since Katrina took my childhood home and my parents are relocated to another one in another part of town. So yes, things will be new and different, if I can only sell this house. There I go putting I in there, Lord until you sell this house, I will live here. I admit, I am impatient and want to move forward quicker than you would have me to move. You are my shepherd and are leading me on the straight paths, to greener pastures.

I hear sheep are dumb creatures, duh, can I relate. I am not really dumb, just inexperienced and naïve. I need someone to guide me along and my spiritual head of my house has been taken. So Lord, lead on, I am not dumb, just a trusting sheep who really needs to be told right now when to eat, when to lie down and where to do all of these things. This grass I have forced myself to eat is awful, I want to throw up, I will allow you to make me sit in a holding pen, until this night is over and I feel better. I surrender the ropes again to you.

I think I am getting anxious to move back to my old home town. I have been away a long time and look forward to living near my siblings and mom and dad again. I never got to see them enough living away all these year so it should be a loving place to get my legs under me again. It is hard to believe I left so many years ago, wanting to leave and see the world. The world is a big place and I never saw as much as I wanted to, but I saw what I needed to. I started dating Steve in Guam and if I hadn't left my home town, I may not have the five wonderful kids I have. I was so blessed in all those years away, I truly left father and mother, and cleaved to my husband and had a wonderful life despite my homesickness for more interaction with my extended family back home.

My urge to leave was strong and necessary to my growth, just like the urge to go back is.I am just another prodical daughter going home. I hope I am wiser, I am stronger and have a smidge more understanding but I feel like I have an odor right now from my wounds. They are still tender and I hope not to offend anyone over the holidays by any melancholy. Holidays are holy days, sacred times to spend with loved ones, celebrating family, love and life. I do celebrate Steve's new life and his celebration in Heaven, but I feel left out and it really is hard to get happy about missing someone. I don't want to be the one to ruin it by the odor of grief on me. Lord do you have one of those pine tree car deodorizers to hang around my neck so I can blend in? I may need a box of them along with some tissues. How bout some pine scented tissues? Just kidding of course. I just remembered the sweet odor of you about my shoulders will be enough to mask any odor I may have. Baaa, baaa lead on Shepherd, I smell a banquet.