Down in the Mouth

I honestly tried to blog yesterday, after everyone left from our beautiful ThanksChristmas weekend, but I really didn’t have anything in me to lift a finger to type. I was emotionally drained and the effort to type too strenuous a task at the time.  I sat at the computer, checked a few emails and Face book until my computer went down again and I even tried to watch television, nothing worked so I went to bed very early. For two weekends in a row I was revved up with a list of projects to attend to and now, my sense of purpose and urgency is over. Maybe I will relax more, perhaps think more, the quiet seems much louder now than it did a few months ago.

I began this year having to have surgery on my upper lip, a basal cell decided to take up residence there. The blessing being while attending to that the doctor found a melanoma on my arm and that was removed before anything bad could happen. The first part of the year, I was very aware of the scar on my upper lip, but it wasn’t the scar as much as the new dead sensation there. Part of my lip and face was numb and I felt like after you come back from a numbing at the dentist pretty slobbery and silly. I felt like I was drooling and drooping when I ate or smiled and wondered if I would ever smile like usual again. Oh yes, I smiled, but it was not the same smile, it had a scar and a droop. I kept indoors and to myself a bit while I tried to get a grip on this situation. I wasn’t as self conscience of the scar but mostly it was about the functionality of my lip whether it was up or down when I smiled. I consider the scar a battle wound and move on. I am happy to report my smile is functional and more in control now.

The second attack on my mouth occurred the week of Steve’s funeral. I got the most hideous painful sores in my mouth which eventually poured out onto my bottom lip causing it to act like a fever blister. It cracked and bled if I smiled. Talk about an attack on my mouth this year and my smile. This year was especially hard on my smile and I seemed to focus on it a lot. I also took note that it was an attack on my mouth, not necessarily my voice, but the mouthpiece it comes out of. Trust me spiritual people out there, there was no angel, no burning coal placed on this mouth, but it does make me wonder why now when I am blogging instead of talking, I battle my internet service almost daily. My service goes down more now than it ever has, so much so that I have them programmed into my house phone so I don’t have to keep looking up their number. It has been fine all year until the week of the funeral and up until this very morning. I was on the phone with them again. I guess I have something important to say and don’t realize it.

I am just a bit sad and lonely today. I am grateful I can smile, though and will smile my way through this whole crazy situation. It will be like all the family photos ever taken, say cheese and a forced smile will appear on my face today. Okay what is the deal with saying cheese? Cheese does not even make me smile. My mouth doesn't even form a smile for cheese and I don't like it enough to smile about it. I don't feel like talking to anyone today, but I must go to the bank and do some errands and I will need to smile politely. I will think of Hannah, my beautiful granddaughter, and smile my little heart away. It is not their fault I don't feel like smiling so Hannah will be my cheese today. You can't see it, but I just smiled.