I Blog

Why do I blog and not jot this stuff down in my prayers journals as I have done for a few years now? I think subconsciously Steve will see them maybe. They are going out into the airwaves and like a message in a bottle, or a note released on a strong prairie wind, he may find this blog about him and know he is missed. It could be that God wants me to practice my typing skills for a job in my future, I don’t know but I am compelled to do this. For the two people out there who read them, enjoy them I do not know how long I will be doing this, I guess until I am blogged out. It really is quite cathartic though and I am enjoying the purging.

There is 29 years of life behind us and who knows how much left in me. Some things can’t be blogged about those private things will remain in my heart forever, but I want Steve to know he meant something to me and others. His life was meaningful and he fulfilled his destiny. He thought he was destined for other things, bigger things, but God had other plans. Small destinies are often the most powerful, remember David and Goliath. Dynamite does come in small packages and boom our life exploded with wonderment on a daily basis. It is in the smallest of moments and experiences that I have seen miracles within our lives.

My yard sale is over, I did fantastic and even if I didn’t I would say I did because of the wonderful people I met. Not only the people I met, but the supportive friends who trudged through this with me. It is a lot to ask anyone to wake before dawn, in the cold, to set junk outside for people to rummage through. What a witness to friendship, what a witness to family, what a witness to witness the whole day long. We were so exhausted, I could barely speak. For those who know me, that is a feat unto itself. I couldn’t look at the computer screen must less type. Today my son helped me in the morning move some of the heavy things around, then he had to leave. I plopped in my chair and couldn’t extract my behind from it. I feel so old and described my weariness to a friend as what a sink must feel like after the plug was removed and the water was drained.  I imagine I was so released from all the busyness of the last 6 weeks that I just crashed. I hope tomorrow I can hit the ground running again; I have ThanksChristmas to prepare for. I am excited the kids will fill my house again, for a fun time.

I wasn’t planning on putting up a tree this year, I really haven’t caught the spirit yet, but I did manage to piece some greenery together to compose a makeshift tree for my granddaughter. It is our of leftover yard sale stuff that I will throw away after next weekend. Hannah needs a tree no matter how ugly and I will decorate the bottom with gifts. My big concern is did I get gifts for everyone. I stopped in mid present buying and lost my place. I will have to figure this out as well. So I will continue to be busy, but it won’t be a pressing, and I don’t have a deadline.

It is weird seeing life going on despite everything. I am glad to move forward, but there are times I feel a twinge of guilt about it. Yes Steve I know it is how you would want it and all that stuff people say, but I have to say, it doesn’t seem right. There is a hole in our lives, there will be a hole in our holidays especially this year and I hate that. I hate that I will be hosting alone and you won’t be there to tell your stupid jokes, or make us laugh. I miss your laugh, and how your eyes lit up when you saw your kids. Wow, you are really gone from us, really. How many times will I say really gone? How much longer until it sinks in? I speak from exhaustion right now, and could use a back rub from you, so yes I miss you right now. You gave the best back rubs and selfishly I am missing them right now. I even feel a twinge of guilt for missing that small thing you did for me when my back hurt.

I blog because I’m happy, I blog because I’m sad, I blog because if I see it on paper it may become a reality to me. So darling if you catch a blog on the wings of some angel, read it so you will see how much you are missed by me, and not just for what you did for me in the form of back rubs. I miss your love and companionship not to mention your support. You held me up when I felt I was crumbling and I think I crumbled a bit today. I long to hear your voice again, I think I will go replay my answering machine again just to hear you. It sounds silly, but it brings me comfort and I can do it if I want to no matter how silly it seems. I only need it occasionally now like chocolate, it soothes me.