Lazy Grief

Ok so yesterday was a bad day and most of today was the same. I started out blobish but perked up towards evening. I am kind of like my own weather system right now. Today I was partly cloudy with a chance of clearing skies tonight. Tomorrow I predict blue skies, with a slight chance of pop up afternoon showers but all in all it should be a beautiful day. I just never know when or where a thunderstorm may pop up causing my life to rain.

Today I also started reading a grief book I said I wouldn’t read but promised a friend I would read. It turns out I am tracking fine with this grief stuff. I cracked up at the laziness of grief part which is how this book describes my blobishness. I tend to prefer my description since it so accurately pinpoints my exact lazy blobby feelings. If I say lazy it means I don’t want to do a thing but laze around eat or watch TV but, blobbing is the act of being unable to move like you normally can. You are in a sort of trance and you just ooze from one place to another not knowing or caring how you got there. You are so apathetic to anything and everything around you and although a TV is on, you don’t really watch it or soak it in the same with reading a book. Another important thing to know is that oozing is different than leaking. To leak means you have to feel, oozing means you feel nothing.

Ok, so it isn’t Shakespeare or rocket science, it is only the truest form of how I feel some days. I want to get the clearest picture on it that I can and I don’t know why it matters.  I hate to blob, I feel so useless, unconcerned and so removed from the world, I am desensitized for awhile I guess. Are we supposed to wallow a bit, I haven’t gotten to that chapter yet if it exists, but sometimes the urge is so strong, you just have to dive in. I have to say as the day and evening wore on and I spoke with my son, my spirit picked up a bit. I will try to do better tomorrow.

The good news is I am doing it my way and I haven’t given up on God, I just can’t talk some days because of the melancholy, but I think to Him. I am not yet at the mad at God phase and don’t know if I will get there. Ok so I question Him, but I am not mad, I’m just saying maybe if He would have done things another way, like my way, things may have had different results. Then again I am not omnipotent, and I can’t see all the ramifications of my actions so He probably is right. Ok God your way, I know you can’t mess me up, only I can do that. Lead on and lead me not into blobishness too much, it is icky. You say I have to rest, well okay if that is your word for blobbing. That book says a lot about giving me permission to do things and I will heal properly. This is the hardest part about all of this allowing me to focus on me. I had been accused of being selfish a few times and have tried to be the opposite, but still it follows me. I don’t want to selfishly indulge myself in what I want or need, it seems trivial. Gross now that sounds like I am a martyr. The balance is a hard place to find here is all I am saying. I am unaccustomed to focusing on what I want or need and this strange place is an enigma. I intend to sort it all out, eventually at my perfect pace.